make that three.
i've heard of it, but i'm just not interested.
make that three.
i've heard of it, but i'm just not interested.
I don't even know what Gaia online is.
I've heard the name, of course, but that's pretty much all I know about it.
Now it's five.
Is Gaia Online supposed to be some hilariously bad forum?
It's anarchy .
What the hell is it?
This had been a crazy week for me.
! So I was at my dad's house all weekend for Labor Day. I came home to my mom's house Monday and she told me that my ex-fiance had been coming over pounding on the door yelling my name since Friday night. She didn't answer the door, because it scared the crap out of her. He came back Monday and left a letter under the door. I opened it and it said he wanted to talk to me and get back with me and blah blah blah. We haven't spoken since January when we broke up. On Tuesday I went to the library to do some homework when all of a sudden, he shows up! We went outside to talk and he told me how sorry he was for dumping me and everything. I told him I'm not interested in seeing anybody, because of all the other break-ups I had, including him. He started sobbing and begging me to go back with him. I kept telling him I don't want to see him, and so he started walking to his car and said he's going home. He sat in there for ten minutes so he can calm down and left. The real reasons why I won't take him back is because I don't love him anymore and I feel that he would hold me back from reaching my dreams. We've been split up for a long time and I can't fall back in love with somebody I haven't seen in a long time. But I didn't tell him that, because he already felt like shit and I don't want to push him over the edge and be held responsible. You guys might say that I should have given him a second chance, but I'm not going back with him for feeling sorry for him. That would be stupid. Now I'm getting a bit worried he's becoming a creeper.
! I know this will sound cold, but I almost laughed at him for crying. I don't feel a bit guilty about it.
A couple of my friends play Gaia. I don't see what's so great about it. TinierMe is better.
I went to Gaia and lost interest in about a minute. It sucks.
Gaia is great, no rules, no mods, you can murder people there.
I have a confession to make…
I went on Gaia Online a few times and even bought a Thank You Letter in September 2004 !
My internet life started on Gaia. I think around 2005. I met some of the most coolest people on the net there, but I'm sure those people have left(like me) by now. The gaming forum was really active and it was almost impossible to not find anyone with similar taste in gaming. The Anime discussion was always bad, but I became a troll that raged on OP haters and in the end created some kind of safe haven for OP fans to actually talk about it on the forum. The Community Discussion was… I dunno. I seemed good until I realized that everyone(almost) in there was smug bastards that held themselves too highly. The General Discussion is the worst. Not 4-chan trope bad, but bad.
Found AP through there too since we OP fans grew so tight knit. I sorta regret leaving them behind since I no longer touch the Manga or anime boards on this site. Too much dumb theories and complaints in one place to handle.
Never went on Gaia but I heard of it as far back as five years ago. Someone that used to be a very important person to me online used to frequent that place. If any of you know a girl named "LadyMartel" on there then tell me. I want to know how small the world is.~
Well since this is a confession thread, minus well throw in mine.
! I am starting to believe that my family is falling apart. My dad has been in terrible shape after having surgery to prevent having colon cancer and I have a feeling that he could die at any moment and it terrifies me every now and then. My mom felt that her side of the family don't treat her like she is part of them which bothers her a lot and I can truly understand why but I rather not get into that any further but I will say that both her and I don't always see eye to eye on a lot of things. My forth youngest brother has been like a fool that he is as he keeps letting his so-called wife treat him like her personal bank account. I could name other shit that my family is going through right now, but I rather not.
! As for me, I am at the point of wanting to quit my shitty ass job entirely as things have been going south for quite some time and I have tolerated all of the bullshit over there long enough and I feel that its time for me to find a new fucking job now (which is gonna be a pain in the ass). Seriously after the shit that has happened up to this point, I thought of just moving away from it all and never look back.
I feel like this is garbage compared to the really serious stuff other people have going on in their lives, but I need to vent.
I just fucked up. Tremendously.
There's this close friend I have that I've been crushing on very strongly for months, but I decided to not let it materialize into anything because I always felt she wouldn't think of me that way and also there were too many complications. It'd lead to too much drama within our group of friends and overall it's a social situation I don't want to be in the middle of.
Well, this past week we've been hitting it off incredibly. Talking pretty much five hours every night, texting each other good night, getting into really deep topics. I even started throwing some bland flirting now and then and pulled it off. Idk, I guess I got too cocky or hopeful, but I let myself slide more and more into dangerous points of no return.
Tonight I not only crossed the line, I spit on it. Trying to be funny and joking around I wound up implying sexual stuff I never meant to, and my responses to that wound up being so severely awkward she just said bye and left. Deep down I feel like I may have insulted the friendship and trust we've been building up until now. I don't know if I can brave up and face her anymore. I completely hate myself right now for being such an idiot. Now all I can think of is avoiding her for a while just to make sure she doesn't feel weird or I don't commit any more glaring stupidities.
I'm such an idiot … feels like I had everything I wanted and I just burnt it all out. Like I just fucked up one of the best things that was happening in my life.
I feel like this is garbage compared to the really serious stuff other people have going on in their lives, but I need to vent.
I just fucked up. Tremendously.
There's this close friend I have that I've been crushing on very strongly for months, but I decided to not let it materialize into anything because I always felt she wouldn't think of me that way and also there were too many complications. It'd lead to too much drama within our group of friends and overall it's a social situation I don't want to be in the middle of.
Well, this past week we've been hitting it off incredibly. Talking pretty much five hours every night, texting each other good night, getting into really deep topics. I even started throwing some bland flirting now and then and pulled it off. Idk, I guess I got too cocky or hopeful, but I let myself slide more and more into dangerous points of no return.
Tonight I not only crossed the line, I spit on it. Trying to be funny and joking around I wound up implying sexual stuff I never meant to, and my responses to that wound up being so severely awkward she just said bye and left. Deep down I feel like I may have insulted the friendship and trust we've been building up until now. I don't know if I can brave up and face her anymore. I completely hate myself right now for being such an idiot. Now all I can think of is avoiding her for a while just to make sure she doesn't feel weird or I don't commit any more glaring stupidities.
I'm such an idiot … feels like I had everything I wanted and I just burnt it all out. Like I just fucked up one of the best things that was happening in my life.
Dude, calm down.
You made a mistake. What do you do when you made a mistake? Exactly, you apologize. Go apologize!
Perhaps she was just shocked. Let her calm down and tell her how sorry you are. And you might also explain yourself to her. Girls like honesty, so be honest to her.
Very sound advice Nami. Noqanky–if you do what your instinct is telling you, and avoid her, she'll take it as you thinking something bad about HER, not that you are feeling awkward about yourself. She may have backed off because she felt nervous, or worried about something of her own. Time for a little honesty. Have faith--if you care as much as you say, you can do this, out of respect for yourself and this girl. Good luck.
@Noqanky What Nami and Buster said.
And take this advise from someone who is a verbal retard. People don't let stuff like this ruin friendship. We all screw up and we all move on, both parts. You can apologize, and it will be okay. The hard part is to let your brain live it down. :P
Honestly one screw up won't ruin anything. If you tell her what you have written here you are safe.
–-
! I thought about this long and hard and realized that the closest thing I have to a religion is One Piece. I honestly wouldn't mind knocking on peoples doors so they too can be saved and delighted and laugh and cry at the same time. You know read a chapter at a time and in the end convert them. :ninja:
Just say the word Oda! (but then again… One Piece speaks for it self... And you would never do that would you Oda?)
! Also... My avatar scares me. Oh my...
I'll trust what you guys say and man up and apologize, even though I admit it's kind of terrifying since I don't know what to expect from her reaction. I really appreciate the advice!
@kagexp I totally get what you say about One Piece being like that. Maybe not a religion, but it's definitely possible to apply the lessons in reality in order to have a better life. I know myself I often try to be more like Luffy and just say stuff and laugh.
But seeing how I slipped up so badly and now need to apologize maybe behaving like Luffy isn't such a great idea …
Perhaps this should go in the post your day thread? I'm not sure. It seems more fitting to have it here.
Anyways is there some kind of lost art of not being a dick to people while they sleep? I'd like to think there is some sort of ettiquete while other people sleep. This is really one of my pet peeves. Part of it due to the fact that my sleep schedule is extremely erratic, I suffer from insomnia, and my sleep is very "fragile" in a sense. I'm easily woken up and once I'm awake I stay awake against my will until my body falls back asleep, which sometimes isn't until hours later.
Which I suppose makes it hard to explain why exactly I'm always so irritated when others wake me up. My family used to tell me to chill out when they did this kind of thing to me all the time on vacations and stuff. But really, my sleep schedule is so poor a single bad night can literally mess up an entire week of sleeping for me. I have every right to be annoyed when others wake me up or won't allow me to get to/get back to sleep.
I was just sleeping and I heard some loud knocking on the door. Sounded like 2-3 girls, I couldn't really make out what they were saying. I assume they were for my roommate since 1. I don't have friends here so girls could not possibly be going around looking for me and 2. My roomie is popular therefore they must be there for him. By the time I finally snapped awake it sounded like they were leaving anyways but I chose not to answer the door as a matter of principle because seriously, who goes around loudly knocking on people's doors at 11pm?
Annoyed, I tossed and turned trying to get back to sleep. Then my roommate shows up (guess the girls must have just missed him). Now we've been living together for awhile now. He knows I am usually asleep by now and he knows my sleep schedule is very easily broken. I have told him this. So, knowing someone you're living with is very likely sleeping, what would be the courtesy? Well while you ponder that, let me tell you what isn't the courtesy: loudly slamming the door, loudly talking into a cell phone, inviting a friend over, turning on the tv in the living room, and ordering a friggin' pizza. Admittedly when I walked out of my room to get a Coke he apologized if he woke me up, which is a hell of a lot better than my parents ever did for me, but still you should've realized that in the likely event I was sleeping you shouldn't have ordered a damn pizza with a friend over while watching TV at past 11pm!
Am I so wrong in assuming there is some kind of unwritten conduct for what to do when people are sleeping? I'm an early bird and I'm always up before my roomie, so if I'm listening to music or watching something I put in my head phones and make a concious effort NOT to make noise on behalf of others. I guess I'm not worth that "trouble".
As someone who also has troubles with sleep, I feel your pain, Jay. Though I generally haven't had that problem here because I'm in a single room and live on the fourth floor near the corner of this building. My family would always wake me up for no reason at all. not only that, "they" i.e. jerk sib would often accompany this with elbowing me in the stomach. Once I wake up I almost never fall back to sleep until a few hours later and I get restless as hell. I think you should talk to the guy because if you don't, there's a good chance it'll happen again. maybe tell him to go over to a friend's place instead of bringing them over.
My thoughts in… prose. Almost as natural as I get, since I still can't take off my underwear. Yet.
[hide]huh. Should I, should I not? I'm always so indecisive. In the end, I just chose mindlessly and "randomly". I'm like Fluttershy in MLP. Totally nice, but too timid. Makes me question my own masculinity.
So I ask myself, "What would Chuck Norris do?" And the answer popped out. Martial Arts.
Unfortunately, I don't have that strong motivation to get me to do what I need to do, so then I hide in my own little mind, continuing to explore my own imagination, and build a world in there, discuss the physical mechanics of my own mind universe. If I had animal friends, I guess I'll end up talking to them too.
I don't know what I should be doing, or even what me real talent is. You see, I've grown up in a strict, low freedom environment, but I don't have many friends to relate to. So I do what people tell me to do, but only as much as I can interpret what they tell me. I can't tell when something is literal or not. I've learned to be distrusting because getting familiar with the wrong people gets me into trouble. Now that I distrust practically everyone, I have trouble making and keeping friends, and I have a vague understanding of my purpose and direction in life.
I post, partly because I'm curious as to what would happen. I used to be really tight-lipped out of fear, but the need of purpose and communication grows stronger than fear.
And yet, I remain awkward. I'm always awkward. It's like I don't have the patience to listen to someone other than myself, and only think in a way that I can, because I live in my own mind. People call me rude, lazy, arrogant, stupid, yada yada. Cognitive dissonance paradoxically reinforces criticisms. So here I am, spouting words, not even sure if people read, if people listen.
I'm a stupid jerk. My words are SOOO important. My feelings are SOOO true. Now, I want to put pants on my head, a shirt on my ass, and walk on my hands, since evidently my anus and mouth are reversed.
Why do I do this? It's POINTLESS. Maybe I should buy a gun, keep it loaded, have extra bullets, and fire it randomly. If I cause a commotion, will I have a purpose? Maybe I should aim and shoot. Will I understand life and death? From what I've heard, it doesn't make a difference. In addition, I can't read manga anymore either.
Arrgh. Ugh. So negative.
So what would Chuck Norris really do? Practice Martial Arts, with others. Spar, and lose. The weak become the strong, and the strong become the weak. The law of the Universe is equilibrium. Things come and go, power shifts. When you achieve peak recognition, you don't get more. You get less. Learn to love it. Keep practicing. Take breaks. Repeat. Resonance. Enlightenment. Salvation.
Perhaps I should laugh it off. Why else do I have Chuck Norris in my rants?
So. Bruce Lee what should I do?
Dance. Go with the flow.
Hmm. That's right. I don't NEED to do force anything. I just need to ride it.[/hide]
@Jay: If he's not that big a dickweed, you could probably sit him down and ask him to be more careful (assuming he'll risk doing this more than once.)
@Owned: I didn't understand 100% of the prose, but from what I can gather you're having a hard time finding yourself and you have a strong urge to talk but you also have been taken advantage of too many times to trust.
I've been there, and it's not easy to get out. I think a good start for you would be chatting, believe it or not. Building up IRL skills or seeing a counselor is better, but getting into a environment where everyone is kind of distant to begin with could let you get more comfortable talking with strangers, and if you connect with than you can talk one-on-one about stuff that's about you. After that, you can apply some of the confidence built up to real life.
As for finding yourself, a lot of people feel that way, but just know that it never happens instantly, finding what you love to do or making big decisions.
Hope this helps.
My thoughts in… prose. Almost as natural as I get, since I still can't take off my underwear. Yet.
[hide]huh. Should I, should I not? I'm always so indecisive. In the end, I just chose mindlessly and "randomly". I'm like Fluttershy in MLP. Totally nice, but too timid. Makes me question my own masculinity.So I ask myself, "What would Chuck Norris do?" And the answer popped out. Martial Arts.
Unfortunately, I don't have that strong motivation to get me to do what I need to do, so then I hide in my own little mind, continuing to explore my own imagination, and build a world in there, discuss the physical mechanics of my own mind universe. If I had animal friends, I guess I'll end up talking to them too.
I don't know what I should be doing, or even what me real talent is. You see, I've grown up in a strict, low freedom environment, but I don't have many friends to relate to. So I do what people tell me to do, but only as much as I can interpret what they tell me. I can't tell when something is literal or not. I've learned to be distrusting because getting familiar with the wrong people gets me into trouble. Now that I distrust practically everyone, I have trouble making and keeping friends, and I have a vague understanding of my purpose and direction in life.
I post, partly because I'm curious as to what would happen. I used to be really tight-lipped out of fear, but the need of purpose and communication grows stronger than fear.
And yet, I remain awkward. I'm always awkward. It's like I don't have the patience to listen to someone other than myself, and only think in a way that I can, because I live in my own mind. People call me rude, lazy, arrogant, stupid, yada yada. Cognitive dissonance paradoxically reinforces criticisms. So here I am, spouting words, not even sure if people read, if people listen.
I'm a stupid jerk. My words are SOOO important. My feelings are SOOO true. Now, I want to put pants on my head, a shirt on my ass, and walk on my hands, since evidently my anus and mouth are reversed.
Why do I do this? It's POINTLESS. Maybe I should buy a gun, keep it loaded, have extra bullets, and fire it randomly. If I cause a commotion, will I have a purpose? Maybe I should aim and shoot. Will I understand life and death? From what I've heard, it doesn't make a difference. In addition, I can't read manga anymore either.
Arrgh. Ugh. So negative.
So what would Chuck Norris really do? Practice Martial Arts, with others. Spar, and lose. The weak become the strong, and the strong become the weak. The law of the Universe is equilibrium. Things come and go, power shifts. When you achieve peak recognition, you don't get more. You get less. Learn to love it. Keep practicing. Take breaks. Repeat. Resonance. Enlightenment. Salvation.
Perhaps I should laugh it off. Why else do I have Chuck Norris in my rants?
So. Bruce Lee what should I do?
Dance. Go with the flow.Hmm. That's right. I don't NEED to do force anything. I just need to ride it.[/hide]
You have talent with words and self-expression. Don't worry about life as you see it, because the sad fact is that those who call themselves "normal" often times are much crazier and considerably boring. People who are considered awkward and unnatural sometimes are so because we act in a more natural way that society doesn't get and refuses to accept. It takes the "crazy" people of the world to reflect the condition of society with their uninhibited creativity and expression, much like you just have.
The only thing I should bring up is that strength and purpose is not about knowing how to fight, or being physically strong, or having a gun with bullets. You can lash out at society in much more creative ways like writing (you are so awesome at it, have I said that?), which will keep you and other alive and healthy, and will also have a much more lasting impact on people and on the world, even if you don't realize it at first.
Hang in there, I've had many moments in which I've had similar thoughts, and 90% of the days I live I am grateful to my past self for having lived through so much crap in my life because now I feel freer and closer to my purpose and happiness.
@Jay: Not to side against you or anything but you also have to understand that your roommate is enjoying the new taste of freedom just as you. If I was in his situation, I know that sometimes it takes me until 5 am to get to sleep and I certainly wouldn't want my movements restricted just because my roommate can't sleep easily. If I can't turn on the t.v. then what other alternatives are there? Sitting around in the dark and doing nothing until 5 am? That sucks.
And it's not like he can necessarily go anywhere either. He lives there and it's late. You can tell him to be more quiet and that's reasonable, but you should also see things from his perspective. Living with someone is about compromise and negotiation.
Thanks to the people who sympathize with me. I do see a counselor often, and we are working on my issues. It takes a long time to resolve completely, but I feel improvements after every session. I was once in a really bad shape, thinking about suicide half the time, pay attention to sharp objects everywhere, wandering dangerously close to large moving vehicles. Igotbettr.
I've never been acknowledged to have a way with words. Reading and writing was at one time a weakness of mine, so it's intriguing that it's now a strength. I was instead acknowledged as "the best math student" in school. If only having strong math, reading and writing skills ensured success, then I wouldn't be so troubled.
So anyway, thanks again. I appreciate it.
@Jay. I remember times like that. Typical of a college dorm. Everyone experiences a new level of freedom and responsibility, and some go nuts over it. I'm a late night person, so it didn't bother me that much, but when I needed to go to sleep early for a morning class, it's really irritating. I suggest getting ear plugs if you are accustomed to waking up on time. Otherwise, have a talk with your roommate when he's not surrounded by girls and friends. If this is your first roommate ever, it could be a phase he's going through. Eventually, he'll figure out that being too popular is totally aggravating. It happened with a former roommate of mine.
@Uncle:
@Jay: Not to side against you or anything but you also have to understand that your roommate is enjoying the new taste of freedom just as you. If I was in his situation, I know that sometimes it takes me until 5 am to get to sleep and I certainly wouldn't want my movements restricted just because my roommate can't sleep easily. If I can't turn on the t.v. then what other alternatives are there? Sitting around in the dark and doing nothing until 5 am? That sucks.
And it's not like he can necessarily go anywhere either. He lives there and it's late. You can tell him to be more quiet and that's reasonable, but you should also see things from his perspective. Living with someone is about compromise and negotiation.
I think the compromise is not being loud about it. There's a lot of ways to watch TV, or talk on the phone, or doing anything next door to somebody sleeping that eases it on the noise. One can turn the volume down and be completely fine. From the way Jay is talking, it sounds like he's completely unconsciously making no effort whatsoever to treat the time like it is. That is to say, he's acting as if it was 2 in the afternoon and not thinking about lowering his volume.
My house has giant cracks under the doors that you can fit two hands on top of each other in. So, it's really easy to hear things from next door, downstairs, and all around. I'm used to my housemates being audible, late at night, but they are also usually respectfully below-normal level. And as someone who is aware of how easy it is to hear things around here, I try to tone my volume down as well.
Say, at 3 in the morning when everybody else is asleep and I'm playing video games downstairs in the central room that everybody is connected to. Maybe Jay is incredibly sensitive to the point that he should get used to wearing ear plugs, or something. But I'm also going to give him way more benefit of the doubt and just say that more people should be used to not making 2PM noise past midnight. The fact that Jay's roommate is disregarding his other roommate's may not mean he's an asshole, but it does mean he's not exercising his freedom on an equal stance: he's just flat out completely unaware.
–- Update From New Post Merge ---
Had to fix my post, I had too many vague pronouns. Sorry for confusion.
Well that's what I meant by saying that telling him to be quiet is reasonable. But from what I read, though it might just be that Jay was aggravated, it sounded like doing any of the events he described (particularly watching t.v. or talking on a cell phone) are things that shouldn't be done at all past 11 pm. Jay most likely is in the right but at the same time, I agree with you that his roommate probably isn't even aware. And if that's the case, the issue would be better resolved peacefully than with anger.
It's probably not even that the guy is an asshole or obnoxious or something, he's just adjusting to the new taste of freedom that Jay is also adjusting to. And the compromise I mentioned is exactly as you've stated, just doing those things more quietly. My only issue was with the argument that he shouldn't be doing them at all.
Edit: Though looking over my post again, I can see the issue. I wasn't being clear enough and for that, I apologize. He most likely was being loud as hell but yeah, the only point I was trying to convey is the point of compromise.
@Uncle:
@Jay: Not to side against you or anything but you also have to understand that your roommate is enjoying the new taste of freedom just as you. If I was in his situation, I know that sometimes it takes me until 5 am to get to sleep and I certainly wouldn't want my movements restricted just because my roommate can't sleep easily. If I can't turn on the t.v. then what other alternatives are there? Sitting around in the dark and doing nothing until 5 am? That sucks.
And it's not like he can necessarily go anywhere either. He lives there and it's late. You can tell him to be more quiet and that's reasonable, but you should also see things from his perspective. Living with someone is about compromise and negotiation.
If you're usually staying up till 5 AM you should be worrying about being an insomniac, not how to best keep yourself busy (read: enabling yourself).
Or it could just mean that people have classes in the afternoon.
Oh shoot I forgot I posted that.
Well basically I'm cool with some noises, it's not like I need absolute silence to sleep. It's just the issue was he didn't seem to make an effort to acknowledge I might be sleeping. Like, when he was talking on his cell phone it wasn't like any sort of whisper, he was loudly shouting into the cell phone, knowing I'm in the next room over.
But really I would've been okay with everything if he just told me he was bringing a friend over. If he tells me things, even if it's only like 15 minutes in advance, I'd be perfectly okay with that. It's more so the fact he didn't seem to give a shit I was in the next room trying to sleep until his friend already left and he was heading off to bed anyways.
Well then yeah, that's dickish and he needs to be told something.
@Uncle:
Or it could just mean that people have classes in the afternoon.
No it means your an insomniac.
Okay… my post got deleted. Guess I'll just highlight the key points.
I want to be a server at my job. The absolute deadline for this is August 2013. Which seems like a lot but I don't know... time sure has been going fast lately. Anyway, I need to be a server by then because my tuition will go up from 3,600 a year (I'm at community college) to 12,000 a year (at university).
The roadblock in all of this is how the managers view my ability to talk to customers. I can talk to customers just fine... they always seem to think I'm at least mildly amusing. I exaggerate a lot of things so it's usually easy to make them laugh. But the managers don't know this because I don't talk to my co-workers very much. I'm a busboy, and a busboy is always busy (we literally only get 5 second breaks) so I never really get the chance to talk to them, and if I ever try the manager/server will go "there are still tables that need cleaned..."
I find that when a person believes something, they're pretty hard to convince otherwise, especially if they've been believing it for a long time (in my case 10 months), so I don't quite know how I'm going to convince them that I can handle customers in my very busy days there where I very rarely get to talk to customers.
As far as I know, server is one of the best jobs in the USA for my age (18), but if anyone knows any other jobs from 18-mid 20's I'd definitely consider it. A server usually makes about $250-$300 a week from 20 hours. I currently make $70-$130 from 20.
@Monkey:
No it means your an insomniac.
Not necessarily. If you are able to get a good enough amount of hours daily (6-8), it doesn't really matter if you go to sleep at 5. I usually go to sleep from 5-6 am, sleep until 10 or 11, and then in the middle of the afternoon take a nap. I get a lot of time to do work at night once there's no madness or activity around me and it's enough sleep to live a happy life.
Insomniac is just not being able to sleep.
@Monkey:
No it means your an insomniac.
Yeah, that's it.
Nobody can possibly be on a night schedule. What the hell was I thinking? =P
I feel just a little depressed cuz that guy I met in Japanese class who likes One Piece hasn't been showing up for the past couple days or so, and I'm wondering if he switched classes or something, like my only other friend in that class who had to switch sections cuz of her job. It's silly, but I was really glad to meet someone irl who is also a fan (including him, I've met two people who actually like it). We were going to exchange fb info, but we never got around to it and because I didn't ask sooner, I don't know if I'll get to talk to him again. I really, really hate how I put things off.
and the other much more depressing thing was the news about the typhoons hitting Japan. I don't think anyone I know has been affected, but I still feel really paranoid that I'm going to get more bad news like last time. I got teary-eyed just looking at one of the photos of the flooded area. I had a couple high points in the day, but when I'm back in the dorm, it's much harder to concentrate on other things. going outside right now isn't really an option either. I tried reading some Hamlet, which is pretty much my only homework for today, but I wasn't really paying attention to the words. hell, I even tried reading parts of that stupid pocket-sized New Testament that multiple people kept waving in my face on the sidewalks throughout the day (God man, it's 8 freakin' a.m. no I don't want to hear your preaching dammit fine I'll take a stupid Bible to shut you up). I really need to find something engaging to do indoors that doesn't involve lying face-down on my bed.
Hm.
[hide]
I just felt like sharing something that I don't usually like talking about. Not that I think many people care anyway, but here is better than other places I have in mind.
I use to live in the Caribbean. Trinidad and Tobago. A little tiny island above Venezuela. I grew up and was raised there for about 11 years with my sister and mom. My dad lived in Miami in the US with another woman. Even then, he sent my mom little money a few times a year. But let's skip this story ahead to the point. There was huge exam that took place at the end of "Primary school"(basically elementary) that decided what kind of high school we were going to enter. During this period, my dad was in the hospital sick. We talked with him on the phone a few times and it seemed as if he was going to do alright. Then came the day where I saw my mom talking to my teacher at school. It was strange… She really visited the school aside from the times she was called in to deal with me(I had a serious temper at one point...I'll get to that). I felt uneasy as they kept looking at me while I was outside.
When I got home that day, mom was acting real strange. I then took a stance and asked her if dad died because that was my worst possible assumption. She then started crying, which was a huge shock to me because my assumption was true. Skipping over the mourning to the next day of school, I noticed that everyone started treating me differently... pretending to my friend... speaking to me in a soft tone... everything that was the opposite of a normal day for me. It was obvious to me that the teacher told everyone. Why would this teacher tell everyone something that was supposed to be a secret between her and my mom? Here's why.
I was always the bastard child at the school. I cried over the littlest of things, and people (including staff) made fun of me for it. They would rip on my drawings(literally). Some kids would even plan to gang together and beat me up. I was even "stabbed" in the shoulders with a pencil from some supposed "young famous" musician(I say famous because that's why he got away with it... at least it wasn't too fatal due the the points not being sharp). There were even times in where I was accused of things that I didn't have any knowledge about. It was rough, especially since the result was always corporal punishment not matter how hard I desperately tried to defend myself. Even in class... I was smart and knew alot of things, but teachers would accuse me of cheating whenever I get a single shining moment prove myself.
At one point I developed a serious temper because I really hated them. Out of hatred I beat up alot of people, and even got my own ass kicked from those I knew were stronger than me(upperclassman) to prove a point. This all came to and end when I was restrained by the principal himself. It was then that the whole staff wanted me out of the school... From there I decided to calm down and tried not to care, even though it was still tough. I was still accused for things I didn't do, and I was put down rather than praised whenever I did something good.
Now moving the story forward. Back to the period where the information behind my dad dying got leaked to the entire school body. The teacher only told everyone because she felt sorry for me. Probably regretting all the spiteful things she done herself. It was sickening to me. Seeing all these people that didn't give a shit about me suddenly giving a shit. It was the worst feeling in the world for me. Even thinking about it now pisses me off a bit, though not as much. I literally cried for half the day in some corner by myself. Not because of my dad. I did that the day before. It was because I didn't like the sudden affection I was getting. Deep inside, I just wanted to be hated. I'll stop this part here.
Anyhows, I managed to sit the exam and score above most people in the class. Whoopie. Seriously. Before the exam, the staff and the other kids didn't really believe I would have passed it or get into a good high school. I showed them... I think. After the exam, we flew to Miami for dad's funeral and then we eventually decided to stay and never go back. It was saddening to me at first... Passing that exam and getting into good high school. It felt like I was robbed the chance to rub my success in all my offender's faces, but I suppose the move was a good thing. I no longer had a reason to be angry. And that's it for now. There's another story about my dad, but maybe another time. While I loved him, I really hated him.
Now to connect this with something AP related
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That said, I think all these experiences had made me the person I am today. Even the way I present myself on this site. It ticks me off to see users openly ganging up and attacking a single person due to petulant and outright selfish reasons, especially if the target in question isn't really all that bad a person(otherwise, I won't really care). To tell the truth, I wonder if some of you guys have any fucking remorse or a shred of humanity. It's like all some of you care about is putting down someone for the sakes of doing so. Sure there are idiots, but there's a fine line between idiocy and a straight up misunderstanding or misinterpretation of character. One of my friends was publicly humiliated to a point she was crying and feeling suicidal(it didn't help that several of out Twitter convos leaked here). I helped her through it and it's not a big deal now, but I'll never forgive what happened. I'm sure some of you know what I'm talking about, and I sure some of you would pretend to not know as an attempt to ask me for details in curious manner(in that case, shove it. I'm not saying anything).
My point is, I feel as if no decent human being should be put down in such a cruel and relentless manner despite some obvious flaws. There's much I would like to do make things change, but the best I can do is gather as much people as I can on my side. I have shared the full portion of this end of the story with my other friends on this site, and even expressed my concerns to some of the staff. I'm just that powerless on my own.
Anyway, it's quiet here on AP now but I wanted to get this off my chest. I'm just tired of holding this in for too long.
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And there's my confession for those who care.
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-confession -
I think some people online have trouble remembering that they're talking to real people sometimes. It isn't an excuse however, merely an observation. But equally there are people like that in everyday life who think they live in a world centred around them and that no-one else has feelings. At the end of the day, what can you do about people like that? It's -sadly-who they are and it's hard to change someones opinion especially if you come at them critisising them. So yeah, don't really know where I'm going with this, Hiroy. Just wanted to show someone listened.
Thanks for listening. I'm not looking to change anyone involved. They can screw off and eat dirt for all I care. As long as I'm not sucking up to them like their followers/admirers/hacks, then I'm good. But what would be nice is bringing across a different perspective and understanding that would bring an end a disturbing norm completely(or a little bit). There's just alot of people that are afraid to speak up due to nature of being burned for trying. The best I can do is to be more vigilant and try to calm down or talk to victimized friends behind the scenes, even though I wish there was more I could do publicly.
But, thanks again.
That was an interesting story Hiroy. I can actually relate somewhat to the anger/bullying problems, but I'm glad you got out of worse situation than mine as a better person.
@Hiroy:
Thanks for listening. I'm not looking to change anyone involved. They can screw off and eat dirt for all I care. But what would be nice is bringing across a different perspective and understanding that would bring an end a disturbing norm completely(or a little bit). There's just alot of people that are afraid to speak up due to nature of being burned for trying. The best I can do is to be more vigilant and try to calm down or talk to victimized friends behind the scenes, even though I wish there was more I could do.
But, thanks again.
Brushing that person off is probably the best you can do, sad to say.
People like that never have to worry about anything unless someone makes them regret their actions, and in this environment they let the worst part of themselves fester because they know they'll never experience that.
The internet, amirite?
@Cuddles:
People like that never have to worry about anything unless someone makes them regret their actions, and in this environment they let the worst part of themselves fester because they know they'll never experience that.
The internet, amirite?
yep.
and thanks for sharing, hiroy. i listened too.
That sounds even worse than I thought at the time. I was kind of pissed off about that too, but I figured saying something would have people turn against me as well. I felt really disappointed about one person in particular joining in on it. I won't bother naming who, but it saddened me a lot.
I agree there is a certain amount of truth to the argument that the internet is what it is (we all know that from experience, and no negative judgement of that statement is intended here) but all the same, tolerance, or lack thereof, for behavior that is nothing short of cyber-bullying is the responsibility of all of us here, IMHO. I don't mean to sound like I'm wagging my mom finger (sorry of I do), but the simple reality is that the forum is made up of the people who come here, and the mods can only do so much. Maybe we need to "be the change we'd like to see" to paraphrase an incredibly wise man, and say something when we feel things aren't right. No need to be rude or angry, but voicing an opinion with dignity and respect, yes even respect for the bully (Even Hiroy admits that he went through an angry period–we none of us know what the other person behind that computer screen's story might be, so I chose to err on the side of more, rather than less, respect) can make a huge difference, I feel. Its what I try to do, anyway.
JMHO, though. You all are intelligent, capable people who can decide for yourselves what action, or non-action, you want to take in the future, should this ever happen again.
^I admit that there are several redeemable factors for those that were involved, and I don't completely look down on them at all. It would just be a shame to see those actions repeated again. But thanks for bringing that up.
@Cuddles:
That was an interesting story Hiroy. I can actually relate somewhat to the anger/bullying problems, but I'm glad you got out of worse situation than mine as a better person.
Brushing that person off is probably the best you can do, sad to say.
People like that never have to worry about anything unless someone makes them regret their actions, and in this environment they let the worst part of themselves fester because they know they'll never experience that.
The internet, amirite?
Short and simple.
But yeah, I know I'm not alone when it comes to growing up with bullying, and it's always interesting to see how some people made it out of it… and it's always sad when some develop personalities that are alot worse than the actual bullying.
@MDL:
yep.
and thanks for sharing, hiroy. i listened too.
Man of a few words. Thanks for saying you listened anway :) It's assuring.
That sounds even worse than I thought at the time. I was kind of pissed off about that too, but I figured saying something would have people turn against me as well. I felt really disappointed about one person in particular joining in on it. I won't bother naming who, but it saddened me a lot.
Yeah, it was a crazy time. And I think(or exactly) I know who you are talking about as well. But unless that person steps forward himself, then I would not drop any names for the sakes of starting anything. Glad you share same feelings. I know that there are others that share the same feelings as well.
Man of a few words. Thanks for saying you listened anway :) It's assuring.
no problem dude.
i wanted to say something straight away when i read your post, but i couldn't think of anything meaningful to say.
so i just waited for someone else to come along who i could reply to, before simply telling you that i listened.
it's the thought that counts, i guess. lol
I'm not sure why I haven't told anyone this yet since I'm not the type to be bothered by letting others know about it, or maybe it's because it doesn't personally make me feel awkward that I don't like other people getting all emotional about it or something.
Anyway, I was diagnosed with Thyroid Cancer about three or so months and just had it removed yesterday, I'm fine now since it's an easy cancer that they just had to sugically remove, nothing like the Leukemia my dad spent three different hospital periods trying to eliminate over five years.
The thing is they had to take out my thyroid so I'll be on pills for the rest of my life. And the operation has left me with a really sore throat which will last for awhile and I'm only able to speak right now with either a 12 year old boy cracking voice, or a deep ragged voice that girls really seem to like.
Anyway I'm cancer free.
@Monkey King–Wow. Cancer can be such a scary word, but you are right, thyroid cancer is one of the easiest and has one of the highest success rates out there. Still--I think I can understand why you'd keep such a thing to yourself for a bit. Glad to hear all is well, and you are cancer free. Will you need radiation or chemo? The pills are no big deal, really--many of us need them (I take them too, though not because I had cancer)--certainly better than the alternative, right? If you haven't yet, check into Armor thyroid replacement therapy (its what people were given before the development of synthetic thyroid), as it is a more complete form than synthroid, (my understanding is that it includes all the different forms of the hormone-- TSH, T3 and T4) rather than just the one, like synthroid, because it is a natural form--and can make some people feel better if synthetic hormones don't do the job.
In the meantime, eat lots of ice cream (or soy cream if you are lactose intolerant) and relax until you feel better.
@Monkey:
I'm not sure why I haven't told anyone this yet since I'm not the type to be bothered by letting others know about it, or maybe it's because it doesn't personally make me feel awkward that I don't like other people getting all emotional about it or something.
Anyway, I was diagnosed with Thyroid Cancer about three or so months and just had it removed yesterday, I'm fine now since it's an easy cancer that they just had to sugically remove, nothing like the Leukemia my dad spent three different hospital periods trying to eliminate over five years.
The thing is they had to take out my thyroid so I'll be on pills for the rest of my life. And the operation has left me with a really sore throat which will last for awhile and I'm only able to speak right now with either a 12 year old boy cracking voice, or a deep ragged voice that girls really seem to like.Anyway I'm cancer free.
Jesus.
The thing is, I myself was recently diagnosed with subclinical hypothyroidism and I was on levothyroxine for about a week (my doctor took me off it shorty after as he realized he may have jumped the gun in prescribing it to me). Thing is, I had read up on hypothyroidism and the like and how most people have to take levothyroxine for the rest of their lives, so I was kinda nervous that I might have Hashimoto's disease, which is a lifelong disease. My most recent blood test showed my TSH levels had gone down to 5.75 (from 7.9) and my antibodies are fine so it looks like it's just a temporary thing.
So yeah, I guess that's nothing compared to your case though, MK. I'm glad you're okay, but yeah, it sucks you'll have to be on pills for the rest of your life. So are you taking daily pills? I don't know how true it is, but I've heard from some sources that you may be able to take only one pill once a week.
@Monkey:
I'm not sure why I haven't told anyone this yet since I'm not the type to be bothered by letting others know about it, or maybe it's because it doesn't personally make me feel awkward that I don't like other people getting all emotional about it or something.
Anyway, I was diagnosed with Thyroid Cancer about three or so months and just had it removed yesterday, I'm fine now since it's an easy cancer that they just had to sugically remove, nothing like the Leukemia my dad spent three different hospital periods trying to eliminate over five years.
The thing is they had to take out my thyroid so I'll be on pills for the rest of my life. And the operation has left me with a really sore throat which will last for awhile and I'm only able to speak right now with either a 12 year old boy cracking voice, or a deep ragged voice that girls really seem to like.Anyway I'm cancer free.
I do hope you don't take it as an awkward sentiment, because it's rare for me to see you say something like this and I am also very poor at directing statements in response. But cancer is something that always concerns me.
And I am glad you're cancer free.
@Hiroy: About the bullying, I'm pretty sure you already know what I've gone through as I've explained it in this thread countless times now but it's interesting to hear your side. And there's a sentiment in there that I tend to share, hating being shown synthetic kindness. It got so bad in my case that I couldn't even trust the people that were being legitimately kind. It was like kindness was just this abstract, fake concept and hatred was the true side of the coin.
There was seriously like this two year phase of my life where I'd just cry myself to sleep every night over the sounds of my mom and stepfather in their abusive relationship, all the bullshit building up over the course of the day from going to school to dealing with home life. And it wasn't until I finally told myself that nobody is going to come to my door and talk to me or make it better that I finally stopped crying. But it left me cynical and critical of the people around me. I still have problems with trust to this day.
And about the AP thing… shit, I have no clue where I was whenever this event went down but I feel stupidly out of the loop. It seems like there's a lot of people that know about it and I'm kinda just left wondering, "Huh?" And I hope you don't hate me for this but I am both oblivious and highly self-conscious so I'm just going to say, if I offended anyone that you know of… Please, please point me in their direction so I can sincerely apologize to them. Though I'm fairly certain I wasn't apart of whatever you're referring to.
I'm more mulling over the question, "Have I been a dick to anyone recently?" and the fact that I'm always here, so I have no clue how I could have missed said event unless I was a part of it or just not in the right section.
In either case, you definitely have me to your side and cause. If you ever need my support then know that I have your back. Reputations and appearances be damned, you need me to speak out for your part then I'll do so for you.
@Zephos: Holy shit, man.
I'm glad you were able to get rid of that shit and that you're doing better now.
–-
Edit: I just had a private conversation with someone here on AP over what the incident possibly could have been and I think I know what you're talking about now, Hiroy. In that case, yeah... I wasn't a part of it. I also think that what happened was really fucked up and you have the right idea so I can now say with full confidence that I support you.
It's something I don't know the finer details of but I don't need to know them in order to know that what happened was wrong and inexcusable. A lot of people here tend to ride the coattails of more prominent members and I feel that that's something that is more than capable of going to said prominent members' heads.
Suffice to say, AP is at its best when the upper crust feels more equal to the common member but every now and then we'll get that disgusting elitism that just isn't cool.