I'm not going to specify my method of travel. What am I, Russian?
Confession Session - LOCK THIS THREAD
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Pffft, who need a car when you have a fixie bike and a Louis Vuitton suitcase.
(not me, just some random hipster)
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That's… sort of a dream of mine, depending on certain conditions. No kidding.
You… just became... even more awesome than before. I salute you.
@Nami:People are only supportive towards you if they actually like you.
Naturally. Not that I've been a part of any other forums besides this one and haven't had too many run-ins with trolls, but it feels like there's a higher proportion of likeable people here than elsewhere. When I first joined here, I was kind of nervous. So I was testing the waters and gradually came to discover that people here are really great. I'm not trying to flatter everyone; I really was amazed to find so many decent, genuine people on the internet of all places. It actually feels a like a family (run by Gekko from the shadows. He's the Don). Buster call is the mom. SnoCone is like an awesome brother… I could go on and on, but you get my point.
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Can I be the insane cousin you all would rather forget?
Also, I vaguely remember paying ten dollars to get my license. WTF is wrong with Europe?
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it feels like there's a higher proportion of likeable people here than elsewhere. When I first joined here, I was kind of nervous. So I was testing the waters and gradually came to discover that people here are really great. I'm not trying to flatter everyone; I really was amazed to find so many decent, genuine people on the internet of all places.
exactly, that's why i love this place as much as i do :)
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Naturally. Not that I've been a part of any other forums besides this one and haven't had too many run-ins with trolls, but it feels like there's a higher proportion of likeable people here than elsewhere. When I first joined here, I was kind of nervous. So I was testing the waters and gradually came to discover that people here are really great.
I know you like me BoD
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What role could Uncle Kenny play in this family?
And would Rupert be the dad or the family pet? He wields to much power to be a pet.
Maybe a savage pet.
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@metteminne:
He is the dog who controls all the other street dogs
Thank you for reminding me of this:
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This is Rupert's deputy.
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Waaaaaaait a second guys. What do you mean by 'license'? Your driving license or your car's license?
Because my driving license (well the exam fee to get it that is) was like 50 euro. 2000 euro for a driving license just sounds TOO much to me and I am from one of the most expensive countries in Europe. Are you sure you are talking about the same thing? XD
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Waaaaaaait a second guys. What do you mean by 'license'? Your driving license or your car's license?
Because my driving license (well the exam fee to get it that is) was like 50 euro. 2000 euro for a driving license just sounds TOO much to me and I am from one of the most expensive countries in Europe. Are you sure you are talking about the same thing? XD
I was talking about my driving license and, as I said, all costs that came with it (test fees, driving lessons… all of that).
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Waaaaaaait a second guys. What do you mean by 'license'? Your driving license or your car's license?
Because my driving license (well the exam fee to get it that is) was like 50 euro. 2000 euro for a driving license just sounds TOO much to me and I am from one of the most expensive countries in Europe. Are you sure you are talking about the same thing? XD
Yeah, sorry, with the license I meant the driver's license itself and the lessons that were needed to get it (plus the exam fees etc etc.). But those all combined cost well over that 2000 €.
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You see this Smudge? She's trying to seduce me!
At first I thought you wrote "Smudge is trying to seduce me!" :ermm:
@metteminne:Crazy uncle
Of course.
He is the dog who controls all the other street dogs
That makes Robby one badass mofo. Cool. I was watching episodes of the dog whisperer, and sometimes the dogs control the owners without them even realizing, ya know? So maybe he is pet in name only but is secretly like one of those dogs who is plotting to take over the world. I could easily see a family member full of paranoia start seeing signs, but nobody believes him and then he goes crazy trying to convince people that the dog is evil. Like "I'm telling you guys, that dog has got a secret underground lab!!" "Look! Right there, he's doing it again!!" "Don't be silly [insert name of person] Robby is a good dog."
Mette, you're the younger brother who causes mild mischief.
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Recently I've been getting really depressed again with life in general.
I've already said this before, but it seems every goal i make in life is either impossible to achieve regardless of how simple and straight forward it seems, or ends up taking me ten times longer then I wanted it too. Every single step forward I make usual ends in another step back where I started that completely destroys me on the inside making it harder and harder to get back up and carry on. It would be fucking sweet just to go for something and have it on a silver platter for once! as opposed to months of blood, sweat, tears and money being pumped into it without getting any decent result or sign of progression.
For starters I'm waiting to get a reply back from a possible employer to get a lengthy contract on the Airbase I'm working at, which might bring in enough money to make a difference to my current pace and overall happiness in some ways. But the thing is if I don't get it i'll be royally fucked and probably end up ploughing straight through my savings to pay bills till I get another job….something that scares the shit out of me because it'll make the past 9 months of my life utterly pointless.
Then I have tons of other things orbiting my mind all day long like my application to Australia (passport), my HGV and motorbike license I want to get which will cost over £5000 which I don't have! And even then doesn't guarantee anything. it will just give me more options, which could be the key to it all working out. But its a gamble and like everything it doesn't look like a winner yet.
I'm applying for duel nationality to Australia as I have tons of family out there including my lil brother, and hopefully a good future. The only thing is i'm terrified I won't get in and be able to go for my dream. I've piled everything on this happening, so if it fails it will be 5+ years of work blown to smithereens. I want to say I'll go back to the drawing board but there is no plan B here. If this fucks up then I can't see any point on trying any more. Might as well continue some mediocre job surrounded by bitter mind-numbing folks in a system that is designed to kill every ounce of hope you ever had of being anything other than joe fucking bloggs. When did good ol common sense and logic disappear?
I hate the way the world is nowadays and more significantly how the country I live in is directing itself. I just want to get away from it all and start somewhere new and maybe escape some of my past and what might be my future. The system is now in place, and is as obstructive as possible unless you follow the rules and fill in form B! Even worse is the fact I know nothing will change any more, or at least not in my generation. No revolutions, no change, no hope of it all being set right. Now a long time ago we were all aiming for something greater but the worlds economies have gone to shit and the money being used to make those needed changes has dried up. It just kills the hope I have that one day we will find an answer to all our ambitions. Even looking at stuff around the world appalls me everyday....we are savage to people and other nations and show no sign of remorse or sympathy. Sometimes it looks like we are playing the good guy, but really there is another agenda or plan tied into it just like there was the recent wars and every god forsaken thing that came from its wake. More laws, more restrictions more of everything designed to keep the population good worker ants.
Another thing is seeing friends drift apart now that I've moved away from my old roots/area. Most of them are at university or have come back, but things aren't the same some how as they used to be. The bond we all had has grown thin and the views we used to share have gone with the flow of time and maturity that came with it. I just want to turn back time for just a little while and enjoy the days where we were carefree and didn't have such great burdens on our shoulders. But that isn't possible and it kind of annoys me that I didn't appreciate just what I had at the time, but only do... now that I don't have it. This goes for the relationship I have with my father too in the fact that we are getting more distant from each other that kind of hurts me a little and makes me think I'm not liked or wanted in his life sometimes. he isn't too healthy either and might have to have an operation on his heart which makes my anxiety about it all even worse to the point of me wanting to drive hundreds of miles just to let him know this stuff as I can't say it out in the open. I find that stuff too hard to say in person, and even if I had to write it down I don't know how on earth I could put it into words.
And yeah i'm still praying my brother makes it through rehab and lives. He is still in hospital trying to get the shit out of his system and let him recover enough physically enough to let him move on to the mental aspects of recuperating. Then he goes into rehab for six months to get him thinking right again. And hopefully stop his manic depression or give him a reason to go on and find happiness. But even if this is still possible he might have permanently destroyed some of his vital organs meaning he won't live to see me or any of the family get old.
I hate the idea of outliving my brother. If he died young I think it would send me over the edge and kill me. If not physically then mentally.
Then I have my own drug issues that keep trying to find their own way into my life again. It seems like every time I get clean and quit stuff I end up in a situation where its put in front of me. And not in a way I can shrug off. Like whenever I see my friends its always about drugs and booze. I can't seem to get away from it without totally shunning my friends and making new ones which isn't what I want. I've made these bonds and I don't want to sever them no matter how hard it might be on me. Nothing terrifies me more than being lonely.
Some people might like that but I need to be able to talk to people. Now I do like having time alone to reflect, but I still need that pleasure of being able to converse with close friends and family.
Even smoking, or trying to quit is really hard at the moment as whenever I get stressed I would light up and relax. But now that has gone all I do is pent up this crap/rage and end up exploding in ways that I regret the next day. Last time it happened I hurt a best friend; something I will always regret doing.
Another thing is the weight issues I've got have been killing me more then ever. I hate how I look in every way and want to be skinny. I'm weighing up at about 13 and a half stone at the moment and no matter how sensible I eat its not getting smaller. The work I do is too hard to allow me to go to the gym or exercise too much meaning most of it has to be done through dieting.
I can do diets but they always make me really cranky and get me short tempered, meaning that I usually end up firing off at friends and colleagues over the tiniest thing. I try to stop this from happening but when I get in a dark mood it overwhelms my personality and turns me into a complete prick. Hopefully the fat reduction pills I'm starting will help remove the fats from my daily intake and allow a quicker or at least somewhat visible result.
Last but not least my current relationship is feeling really strained. I hate coming home from work and feeling down and then talking and impressing that upon her. She shouldn't have to deal with any of that and it makes me feel even worse about it. I just want to be happy and share that feeling with her but I find it tough or more so impossible until I've spewed pages upon pages of shit till I can unwind enough to feel cool, calm and happy again.
I just want to be able to snuggle up and enjoy each others presence without having to resort to a keyboard to relay my feelings!
So there you have it folks. I do have a tough life, I do have some kind of soul and not that shit you folks get palmed off with, so enjoy picking and laughing at its inferiority while I'm down.
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First off Smudge, no one, and I mean no one here is going to laugh at anything you're going through.
As for your money/job issues yes, it would suck if you didn't get the contract that you're still waiting to hear back on. While I don't know the exact details on what you're trying to do or how long you've been waiting to hear back on the contract deal I can say that you're likely worrying too much about it. If you have to blow through your savings or get another job and try again in order to make it into your dream job, then that's what you have to do. It's not fun and I'm certain you've probably suffered through something like this before from the sounds of it. It won't make the last 9 months of your life pointless though. Don't think that.
And I know what you mean about the state of the world. As I've admitted to some friends, I've broken down into tears over the state of the world. I don't have to be (nor am I) half as intelligent as Zephos to see we're living in a very scary time. I don't think there's anything I can really say to cheer you up about this. However I can say that you're probably worrying far far too much about it. You're making yourself a nervous wreck over things you cannot change. Try to realize that you're making yourself anxious over things you have no control over.
Growing up isn't fun is it? I'm kind of in the middle of realizing this myself. So I can't really give any words of advice without sounding like a hypocrite given my own recent events. You are still an amazing person so I know you are capable of making new friends, despite how much it hurts knowing your old ties with your friends aren't what they used to be. However (noticing a theme here?) I still recommend you drive over and tell your dad face-to-face what you think about him right away. As soon as possible. Right now even. If this has really been eating at you for this long waiting any longer isn't going to make it any better. It's better to make yourself look like a fool than to never say what you really mean.
I recall that you've told me about your brother once or twice. What I don't recall is if you ever really sat down with your brother and told him how much you loved him and how much it hurts you when he gets into drugs. Like tell him the idea of you outliving him terrifies you. Maybe you already have told him this. I don't know. All you can do is just keep on praying that your brother makes the right choices.
As I said earlier, your bonds with your friends are not what they used to be. If you're having that much of an issue with their drug use and, consequently, your involvement in the usage I'd just recommend you cut it off with them. I know they're your old friends. I know you guys have likely been through so much shit together I can't even begin to fathom it. But you're at the point in your life where you have to realize what is more important to you: your friends or your own peace of mind. I'd personally recommend the latter, no matter how hard it will be to choose that you know it's the right choice.
I've never done drugs or smoked so I can't be too useful in giving advice for how to quit smoking. What I do know is how hard it is. Not to mention it sounds like you're in quite a stressful situation right now as it is. I'd actually recommend stop smoking as soon as your life starts coming together again. Right now, my guess is that you really don't need any additional stress.
As for your weight, bullshit. I've seen you with your shirt off. You look fantastic. Seriously, no hetero. You look amazing just the way you are. But if you do want to lose some weight for your own peace of mind I'd advise you to try a diet again. I know what you said about diets and how they affect your personality. So what you need is to find a way to make a diet fun. Treat yourself to high quality desserts once a week. Make a mealplan and maybe allow 1-3 visits to fast food resturants a week. Find something that will allow you to ease into a diet without making it a complete chore.
Anyways Smudge that's all I got. I'm going to head off to sleep. If you want someone to talk to, not just now but ever, send me a PM or talk to me on Facebook, I'm just about always on. You are a wonderful person Smudge and in my mind, a valued member here. Never forget you too have a ton of people who care about you. Take care man.
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A manly tear just rolled down my cheek. Thank you for those kinds words and great bit of advice mate.
I can't put into words how much that means to me…
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wow, i'm lost for words.
though i'd like to second every single word that jay said.
that was amazing and so damn true. -
smudger, we're pretty much in the same fucking boat. I could copy paste your stuff and change a few words here and there and it would basically be my situation. a lot of things could either make or break me at this point. we're both at that age where we're struggling so much just to be like, COMFORTABLE in our lives. family, friends, money, chicks. in between being ahead and being fucking broke, barely out of our teens. it's hard to handle and even harder to try and to find free time to not fucking seclude yourself from the people around you. I'll tell you one thing though: if you're so concerned about the drug/alcohol thing with your friends, you're gonna have to move on from them. it's true - it's never the same when they get home (or even when they were visiting, right?), and even with the ones you had while they've been gone - it just doesn't work out. I've had to cut a lot of ties since HS to get away from a crowd that was just taking me in the wrong direction.. or nowhere at all. keep pushing towards what you want and where you want to be, and those holes will fill themselves back in. the weight thing sucks too, but I've always had body issues so it's not something I think of as a separate problem now - it's more a part of me that is always there.
anyways, I'm always here if you wanna chat it up, bro.
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Hey Smudge.
Once again, I'm not too poignant or anything outside of my writing, but I hope this will bring you comfort:
Goal Issues: Everyone's goals fall short at least a few dozen times and it's not unusual to be kind of drifting, but whenever that happens your mood is just usually at a low. When I vented something like that to a trusted friend, she said that things go in a cycle. I think yours will too.
Money Issues: I'm in a similar boat as you know, and even before that my previous job was draining my life. Sometimes the current environment sucks and you have no choice but to go on. All I can say is that, well, you can do it. And if your application fails, try again immediately. Sometimes you have to smack someone a few times before they get a message, or something.
Family: It sounds like you're going through a really hard time. All I can say is that from what I've heard, they care about you too and this would be the best time to get to know them as much as possible.
Friends: This is your call in the end. I would suggest telling them straight up to stop fucking around with you because you deserve better. If they scoff or don't listen, then it might be better for yourself in the long run to wean yourself off of them.
Weight: What Jay said.
Relationships/Keyboards: That's the up and down of the 'Net isn't it? You feel like you're friends with a computer screen with a million faces, and yet our grandparents would probably kill to have this kind of tech in their time. I wouldn't be so quick to be harsh on any online friends you have. As much as I don't want to bring him up, even Zephos found a best friend online, and I've understood they've never even met! And don't fret about venting to someone over and over. If they're still with you the first time, it's a really good sign that you've got a confidant you can trust, and already understands you're not venting to be mean or burdensome (which you aren't).
Hope that helps man. Good luck out there. -
Last but not least my current relationship is feeling really strained. I hate coming home from work and feeling down and then talking and impressing that upon her. She shouldn't have to deal with any of that and it makes me feel even worse about it. I just want to be happy and share that feeling with her but I find it tough or more so impossible until I've spewed pages upon pages of shit till I can unwind enough to feel cool, calm and happy again.
Hey man, I don't want to go through everything because I hate the idea of trains and trains of advice from people especially when most of the advice gets regurgitated but I did want to say that the only thing that's keeping you from being happy… is you. Seriously, it took me years to learn this lesson. There's so much fucking shit we don't have control over it's ridiculous. Life pretty much is just half effort on our part and half bullshit that happens for the sake of happening, shit we can't even control.
Rather than let it eat you, rather than let that shit get you down just say fuck it and smile. If it sounds simple then yes, it is. I ain't saying that putting on a smile is going to eliminate your problems and I'm not telling you not to worry, I'm just saying don't let it dominate your life. If you get some opportunities to be happy, i.e. hanging with your girl, just do it. We need those happy moments so we can know that all this shit is worth a damn. And once I learned that lesson I realized how easy it is to smile. It's so easy to get sucked into that depression but man… it's so easy to get out of it too.
Shit piling up one after another, fuck it. That's not a reason to quit feeling good about yourself and your situation. Even if it's just being alive and everything else is piss, I settle on that. You'll get out this slump. Good luck to you, man.
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Smudge, like Jay said, nobody's gonna laugh at you. I can't truly understand what you're going through, but…
I say go talk to your dad even if you have go reeeeally far to see him. I put things off a lot and think "Oh I'll do it, later." But if you kept putting it off, there might come a time when it's too late, and that regret can really weigh a person down. So tell your family how much you love them while you can.
I haven't really had any drug-addicted friends, but what I do know is that I've had so many different friends that have come and gone from my life. I think that they're always gonna be my friends, and that nothing would separate us. A girl who used to be my best friend in the whole world is a friend no longer. We got into a fight, and it just kept snowballing from there. Maybe it could have been prevented, I don't know. I thought I would never be able to get over it, but I did find new friends, and not just internet friends like all of you guys. That void can be filled with time. I don't smoke either, but my dad does, and I can see how hard it is. He managed nearly a whole month without 'em, and the office started to smell clean again, but he went back because that's how he deals with stress sometimes. So take your time on that front.
I wish your brother well. There's little else I can say about that.
About the weight issue, well, I haven't seen you shirtless, but I'm sure you look fantastic and are worrying too much, kind of like more than one person here. My bro is starting to diet himself. The thing is, dieting doesn't have to be all about surviving on nothing but tofu and leaves. You can still eat a lot of foods you like, but it's all about smaller portions. I never thought I could go without bacon or pop, but now I don't eat bacon anymore and almost never have pop. When I go to parties, I've started drinking water instead. Little things like that can make a difference. Two key points about being healthy is that you either eat well-balanced meals or exercise or both. Now, if you don't do one, be sure to do the other. I see exercise at the gym isn't the best solution for your case, so eating right is key. Big bro has proven that you can eat healthy, delicious food and still be cheerful about it. Ask around for recipes, try some new things here and there.
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Well, what can I say that hasn't been said?
You're a good man Smudge and whatever difficulties you're facing in life I believe you can pull through them and come out more intact than you could ever imagine. I know failure is a scary thing and you might be afraid to fall short of a goal, but it's important to know you can always stand back up again and on stronger legs than when you went down. If not on stronger legs then you can stand back up with more knowledge and experience in your head. Whatever the situation, make the best out of it! Ah, I know how much better one can feel if they vent so if you ever need someone to vent to you know where to find me.
! No, actually, on the message board place.
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Smudge, dear, you know what my advice is. It hasn't changed since the last time when your brother was in the midst of the worst of his last trip to hell. I will preserve you privacy by not repeating it here (unless you request it–or you can pm me if you forgot what I said and need to have a refresher in private.) You are not alone. You are a good man. Treat yourself accordingly, please. I do not take kindly to folks abusing people I care about. (And because I'm pretty sure you will misinterpret that initially, I will rephrase and say that means you need to be kind to yourself, dear.)
Oh yeah, and reread Kenny's post a few dozen more times.
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@Monkey:
I'm just so confused, and a little hurt. I lurk a lot, but I don't think any of the people I've read are very mean at all.
:sad:
Is the Greg from this www.raftelforums.com the same Greg from here?
lollllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
The third group of people to secede from AP, the second one to be a bunch of weenies.
Perfection is not natural, man must struggle, so says Miyazaki.
Look upon the twisted wreck that was FunPiece. They were so happy and peaceful….going in....
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Ok, my turn now, as I promised you ;)
Ok, I already told you a bit when we chatted. Now I'm just gonna write down everything at once. It's easier that way.
I'm still not too sure what to write but I'll do my best.I've already said this before, but it seems every goal i make in life is either impossible to achieve regardless of how simple and straight forward it seems, or ends up taking me ten times longer then I wanted it too. Every single step forward I make usual ends in another step back where I started that completely destroys me on the inside making it harder and harder to get back up and carry on. It would be fucking sweet just to go for something and have it on a silver platter for once! as opposed to months of blood, sweat, tears and money being pumped into it without getting any decent result or sign of progression.
! As I said. You are too impatient. You want everything and you want it now. This doesn't need to be a bad thing, it makes you ambitious. But right now, it just destroys you. Baby, you're still young, you still have time. Don't rush things, take it easy. Remember, one step after the other.
Unfortunately life is always challenging and never really easy. We always have to struggle, we always have to fear defeat and even have to face it sometimes. And at the end of the day you question: Is it worth it?
Yes. Yes it is. If we wouldn't know struggle, wouldn't know defeat, what would life be. Boring. Fuckin boring.
With ambition, fear always follows, but ambition has to outweight the fear. It's a lame and cheesy saying but it's true. It's better to try and fail than never trying and never knowing. The struggle is what makes it all worth it in the end.
I know you are a strong man, I know how passionately you can be about something and I know that you are strong enough to make your way. And I am always here to support you. I always got your back. You can count on that.
It's totally fine if there are moments that make you lose hope. Important is that you get up on your feet again after it and tell life to fuck with someone else or else you'll kick it in the ass. Cause that's what you need to do sometimes. Show your life who's the boss and that's you.
It's ok to have weak moments, that's nothing to be ashamed of, it makes you just manlier in my eyes ;) Important is to not lose yourself in these weak moments. Weakness is ok as long as it doesn't last. And I know it won't last. Cause you are strong. And I wouldn't pick a pussy, you knowFor starters I'm waiting to get a reply back from a possible employer to get a lengthy contract on the Airbase I'm working at, which might bring in enough money to make a difference to my current pace and overall happiness in some ways. But the thing is if I don't get it i'll be royally fucked and probably end up ploughing straight through my savings to pay bills till I get another job….something that scares the shit out of me because it'll make the past 9 months of my life utterly pointless.
! First of. These 9 months will never be pointless. You got experience thanks to that.
Second. What happened to these other job offers you told me about? Not considering that anymore?
Third. I'm sure you'll get it. Didn't you tell me yourself that you're one of the best workers there? :P I'm sure you get what you want. Waiting is a bitch, I know this best, but don't worry too much. Cause if you don't get your contract I will so kick them all in the ass. Or nuke the airbase. You don't fuck with a german!
No seriously. Be calm, stay relaxed, take your mind off of that. Worrying leads to nothing but panicking and right now you have enough other stuff on your mind to worry about.
And remember: All good things to those who wait ;PThen I have tons of other things orbiting my mind all day long like my application to Australia (passport), my HGV and motorbike license I want to get which will cost over £5000 which I don't have! And even then doesn't guarantee anything. it will just give me more options, which could be the key to it all working out. But its a gamble and like everything it doesn't look like a winner yet.
But to me you don't look like a loser either.
I'm applying for duel nationality to Australia as I have tons of family out there including my lil brother, and hopefully a good future. The only thing is i'm terrified I won't get in and be able to go for my dream. I've piled everything on this happening, so if it fails it will be 5+ years of work blown to smithereens. I want to say I'll go back to the drawing board but there is no plan B here. If this fucks up then I can't see any point on trying any more. Might as well continue some mediocre job surrounded by bitter mind-numbing folks in a system that is designed to kill every ounce of hope you ever had of being anything other than joe fucking bloggs. When did good ol common sense and logic disappear?
! I have no clue about dual nationality things. Is it so hard to get? And aren't you classified nonetheless cause you were born in Australia AND you have family there? I mean, what else except from money do they want then? Can they really say no to someone who was fuckin born on there mainland?
! For the other thing. You know how I'm a total hopeless romantic. I will never tell you anything else than DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO.
If you really want to draw, then fuckin GO FOR IT. Don't hold back because you're scared. Or you're "too old" or it's too risky. I don't care and you shouldn't care either. Do what makes you happy, do what you love. And if you want to draw, take a fuckin pen and some paper and do it. Heck, I can even send you tons of drawing material. (But unfortunatly not that fuckin stupid expensive Graphic Tablet you want, you snob :P)
! Have I ever told you how my mother wanted me to be a clerk, because it's stable and safe and brings lots of money and holidays off? Me. An office girl. Yeaaaaah. Totally.
I had to apply to a lot of these kind of jobs or my mother raged at me. Of course no one wanted me cause I wasn't there with my heart. And not with my soul either. I sat at home for one year, only holding myself over water with a little job in a bistro. Cause my parents stopped giving me money after I finished school (I was 17 1/2 then). And then I studied Graphic Design, something I really wanted to do.
We had a lot of professors who told us that they only started drawing in the mid 30 or mid 40. What is 24 to this? Before that they all had these office jobs. But they broke out of that evil circle. And they made it. Now they're rich, old and happy. They love what they're doing and that's why they're good in it.
It's just never too late to change your path if you aren't satisfied with it anymore.
Look at me. I did this Graphic Design thing and in the end it didn't fulfill me too maximum, so now I'm just gonna go for another thing and I don't care if I don't have money or getting older while everyone around me in my age can do whatever the fuck they want cause they have the money for it with their shitty jobs they will love to hate someday. I do with my life whatever I want to do and I'm doing what I love. I couldn't care less if it takes me longer than others. In the end I'll be even richer and happier! In the end it will be all worth the struggle.
So go, my little boy, and do what makes you happy and say fuck you to everybody and everything that stands in your way.I hate the way the world is nowadays and more significantly how the country I live in is directing itself. I just want to get away from it all and start somewhere new and maybe escape some of my past and what might be my future. The system is now in place, and is as obstructive as possible unless you follow the rules and fill in form B! Even worse is the fact I know nothing will change any more, or at least not in my generation. No revolutions, no change, no hope of it all being set right. Now a long time ago we were all aiming for something greater but the worlds economies have gone to shit and the money being used to make those needed changes has dried up. It just kills the hope I have that one day we will find an answer to all our ambitions. Even looking at stuff around the world appalls me everyday….we are savage to people and other nations and show no sign of remorse or sympathy. Sometimes it looks like we are playing the good guy, but really there is another agenda or plan tied into it just like there was the recent wars and every god forsaken thing that came from its wake. More laws, more restrictions more of everything designed to keep the population good worker ants.
You might be right with that. But I see revolution totally coming. Perhaps not in the next 5 years but eventually. I'm pretty sure of that.
If not, let's just go and NUKE everything!Another thing is seeing friends drift apart now that I've moved away from my old roots/area. Most of them are at university or have come back, but things aren't the same some how as they used to be. The bond we all had has grown thin and the views we used to share have gone with the flow of time and maturity that came with it. I just want to turn back time for just a little while and enjoy the days where we were carefree and didn't have such great burdens on our shoulders. But that isn't possible and it kind of annoys me that I didn't appreciate just what I had at the time, but only do… now that I don't have it. This goes for the relationship I have with my father too in the fact that we are getting more distant from each other that kind of hurts me a little and makes me think I'm not liked or wanted in his life sometimes. he isn't too healthy either and might have to have an operation on his heart which makes my anxiety about it all even worse to the point of me wanting to drive hundreds of miles just to let him know this stuff as I can't say it out in the open. I find that stuff too hard to say in person, and even if I had to write it down I don't know how on earth I could put it into words.
! Who doesn't want to turn back time sometimes.
Maybe you didn't appreciate the times back then but you can still appreciate it now and keep it in your heart forever. And you can always tell our kids to appreciate what they have :P
! About your dad. I'm not sure if you might worry too much here again. But if it makes you worry that much then all I can tell you is to go talk to him. Talk it out. Cause there's nothing else that will help. Your dad probably doesn't even know your worries at all. So make your worries clear to him, no matter how embarassing or hard it is to you. Tell him, that it's hard for you. He will appreciate how much he actually means to you and will most likely try harder. If he doesn't, then.. well. I will tell you if this times comes and if it comes at all.
But I really hope that he doesn't need an operation or if need it, that everything will work out. I don't want you to deal with another loss.
If you still don't feel like talking to him… remind yourself that you don't know how much time you have and if you don't take that step now it will probably be too late someday and you will bite yourself in the ass for not doing it. So don't be a coward and do it. No matter how hard. Do it, baby.
It wasn't always easy for me and my dad to talk about emotional stuff and fears, so I really know how hard it is to cross this line, swallow every pride and just do it. So do it. Or you will regret it.And yeah i'm still praying my brother makes it through rehab and lives. He is still in hospital trying to get the shit out of his system and let him recover enough physically enough to let him move on to the mental aspects of recuperating. Then he goes into rehab for six months to get him thinking right again. And hopefully stop his manic depression or give him a reason to go on and find happiness. But even if this is still possible he might have permanently destroyed some of his vital organs meaning he won't live to see me or any of the family get old.
I hate the idea of outliving my brother. If he died young I think it would send me over the edge and kill me. If not physically then mentally.
! Be a good example towards your brother and be happy as well.
I can only imagine the pain of drug rehab. I only know what I know from Christiane F, tho. But I know how important it is to let significant people know how important they are to you when they're going through a rough time. I had to keep my mum from comitting suicide a few times. So I know endless struggle and how painful and exhausting things can get. As the watcher, all you can do is support. Supporting and endless loving. I know I told you that the other day but I would really recommend to you to write your brother. My mother told me often that if she wouldn't have known how much I loved her and how often I assured that to her, she wouldn't have been able to make it through. She needed assurance from my side every day.
That's what people always need in hard times, don't you think? Absence makes the hard grow fonder. Or forgetful. And in this state he is in, he will forget. Not necessarily because he wants to, but because of the pain inside him. And his mind which will tell him the deepest, darkest things. He needs light to make it through the dark. So give him that light.Then I have my own drug issues that keep trying to find their own way into my life again. It seems like every time I get clean and quit stuff I end up in a situation where its put in front of me. And not in a way I can shrug off. Like whenever I see my friends its always about drugs and booze. I can't seem to get away from it without totally shunning my friends and making new ones which isn't what I want. I've made these bonds and I don't want to sever them no matter how hard it might be on me. Nothing terrifies me more than being lonely.
You might be lonely, but you're not alone.
Some people might like that but I need to be able to talk to people. Now I do like having time alone to reflect, but I still need that pleasure of being able to converse with close friends and family.
Even smoking, or trying to quit is really hard at the moment as whenever I get stressed I would light up and relax. But now that has gone all I do is pent up this crap/rage and end up exploding in ways that I regret the next day. Last time it happened I hurt a best friend; something I will always regret doing.
! What Jay said. Don't stop smoking now if it helps you to relax.
Stop the other drugs if you can. That's enough for now. Remember, one step after the other.
And about your friends. Old line but if they really are your friends, then they'll be fine with you stopping drugs and only drinking booze and smoking. And they will accept and respect that IF they are your friends.
I sure as hell won't tell you to leave them behind you, especially not when they mean so much to you. But I tell you to stay true to yourself and what you want. Your friends shouldn't be in your way of finding happiness and I'm sure they won't if you'll be honest with them.
And btw. That you realised that these drugs aren't good for you, is already a huge step and I am proud of you for making this step :)Another thing is the weight issues I've got have been killing me more then ever. I hate how I look in every way and want to be skinny. I'm weighing up at about 13 and a half stone at the moment and no matter how sensible I eat its not getting smaller. The work I do is too hard to allow me to go to the gym or exercise too much meaning most of it has to be done through dieting.
I can do diets but they always make me really cranky and get me short tempered, meaning that I usually end up firing off at friends and colleagues over the tiniest thing. I try to stop this from happening but when I get in a dark mood it overwhelms my personality and turns me into a complete prick. Hopefully the fat reduction pills I'm starting will help remove the fats from my daily intake and allow a quicker or at least somewhat visible result.
! Also what Jay said.
GOD DAMMIT MAN! I'm still looking at that shirtless pic of you every day and I'm fuckin jealous of your fuckin pants for being so fuckin close to you! That's right. I'M JEALOUS OF SOME FUCKIN PANTS!! How fuckin ridiculous!
I hate the idea of you taking some pills to get thinner. I overall hate the idea of you getting thinner because you are so fuckin fine to me! I don't know how often I need to tell you this. Every time I look at this pic, I just want to touch your sweet tummy and snuggle up with you. So fuckin badly.
But if you want to take these stupid pills then I won't forbid you that. Just know that I'm not happy with that knowledge. And if you overdo it, I will be very, very mad. Very. Mad.Last but not least my current relationship is feeling really strained. I hate coming home from work and feeling down and then talking and impressing that upon her. She shouldn't have to deal with any of that and it makes me feel even worse about it. I just want to be happy and share that feeling with her but I find it tough or more so impossible until I've spewed pages upon pages of shit till I can unwind enough to feel cool, calm and happy again.
I just want to be able to snuggle up and enjoy each others presence without having to resort to a keyboard to relay my feelings!
! Making you happy after an exhausting day makes me much happier than just having you happy all the time. I said it a million times and I will repeat myself a millionth times. Gimme all your burden and I will carry it for you. You can be pissed and tired as hell when you talk to me, I will do everything in my might to make you feel better. That's what I'm there for. You're not a burden for me, so don't let me be a burden for you. We're doing the best we can out of this and I'm proud of it. I notice how hard you try and I appreciate it. We have a long way in front of us and I'm pretty sure that it will be all worth it if we just fight for it. Remember, distance is only physical. There's no distance in our hearts. I'm always with you, baby.
… Oh god, I can't believe how cheesy I sound.
! And of course I should deal with all that. I'm your girlfriend, god dammit. I'd be pissed if you'd keep me out of your business and would just pretend like there's nothing. I really appreciate it when you come online and rage about your day because then I know that I'm still your person. It would actually make me wonder if that would suddenly change :P
! So, go on with bitching about your life. It will not make me love you any less. Never.Phew, that's all. Hey, only took me 3hours to write this stuff, lol.
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I kind of have to lol at this statement now:
So there you have it folks. I do have a tough life, I do have some kind of soul and not that shit you folks get palmed off with, so enjoy picking and laughing at its inferiority while I'm down.
Smudge you literally got people running out of the woodworks to let you know they care about you.
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I kind of have to lol at this statement now:
Smudge you literally got people running out of the woodworks to let you know they care about you.
hahahaha, exactly. I told him that it will be like this but he never believes his girl! SHAME! FO SHAME!
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I apologize for Smudger to be "cutting" that "help line".
Here's a personal thing (well, not so much now)[hide][hide][hide]
I am 21 years old and I´m still a virgin, because .. (emo bullshit here) I never felt love.Only in 2010 that I started to like and trust myself.
But, because of my disaffection with everyone and myself (a fact that is slowly changing), I figured it would take too long for me to have a girlfriend and possibly lose my virginity to her.
I want to lose my virginity to someone I love, and therefore I did not choose a brothel.
I just want to fulfill my sexual fantasies (I got tired of just imaging) without having sex with the prostitute, my fantasies do not involve penetration.
Bottom line: I want human contact, I want to make my fantasies, separate perversions with sexual intercourse (penetration), it´s possible to separate these two things ?[/hide][/hide][/hide]
1 st edition) correction of text construction.
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Beat off… a lot.
Separation acquired.
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Some weed….
...erey day.
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@Monkey:
lollllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
The third group of people to secede from AP, the second one to be a bunch of weenies.
Perfection is not natural, man must struggle, so says Miyazaki.
Look upon the twisted wreck that was FunPiece. They were so happy and peaceful….going in....
NPC, RaftelForums….is the second one this FunPiece or something else?
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Yeah, FunPiece. Which turned into a regular Lord of the Flies scene.
This one seems more like a snooty exodus than it does a weenie exodus. Greg is a firebrand with low tolerance (we're not so different you and I). But he denies his inner jerk disease… that's dangerous. It may twist out of proportion and consume them all, like Tetsuo when his Power keeps evolving without being controlled by drugs...
But Greg! You're forum is a fake forum! The ugliest living thing because it does not know what it truly means to be alive. Without darkness there is no light! There is no such thing as life without struggle! Master of the crypt you are a false god!
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[hide]Recently I've been getting really depressed again with life in general.
I've already said this before, but it seems every goal i make in life is either impossible to achieve regardless of how simple and straight forward it seems, or ends up taking me ten times longer then I wanted it too. Every single step forward I make usual ends in another step back where I started that completely destroys me on the inside making it harder and harder to get back up and carry on. It would be fucking sweet just to go for something and have it on a silver platter for once! as opposed to months of blood, sweat, tears and money being pumped into it without getting any decent result or sign of progression.
For starters I'm waiting to get a reply back from a possible employer to get a lengthy contract on the Airbase I'm working at, which might bring in enough money to make a difference to my current pace and overall happiness in some ways. But the thing is if I don't get it i'll be royally fucked and probably end up ploughing straight through my savings to pay bills till I get another job….something that scares the shit out of me because it'll make the past 9 months of my life utterly pointless.
Then I have tons of other things orbiting my mind all day long like my application to Australia (passport), my HGV and motorbike license I want to get which will cost over £5000 which I don't have! And even then doesn't guarantee anything. it will just give me more options, which could be the key to it all working out. But its a gamble and like everything it doesn't look like a winner yet.
I'm applying for duel nationality to Australia as I have tons of family out there including my lil brother, and hopefully a good future. The only thing is i'm terrified I won't get in and be able to go for my dream. I've piled everything on this happening, so if it fails it will be 5+ years of work blown to smithereens. I want to say I'll go back to the drawing board but there is no plan B here. If this fucks up then I can't see any point on trying any more. Might as well continue some mediocre job surrounded by bitter mind-numbing folks in a system that is designed to kill every ounce of hope you ever had of being anything other than joe fucking bloggs. When did good ol common sense and logic disappear?
I hate the way the world is nowadays and more significantly how the country I live in is directing itself. I just want to get away from it all and start somewhere new and maybe escape some of my past and what might be my future. The system is now in place, and is as obstructive as possible unless you follow the rules and fill in form B! Even worse is the fact I know nothing will change any more, or at least not in my generation. No revolutions, no change, no hope of it all being set right. Now a long time ago we were all aiming for something greater but the worlds economies have gone to shit and the money being used to make those needed changes has dried up. It just kills the hope I have that one day we will find an answer to all our ambitions. Even looking at stuff around the world appalls me everyday....we are savage to people and other nations and show no sign of remorse or sympathy. Sometimes it looks like we are playing the good guy, but really there is another agenda or plan tied into it just like there was the recent wars and every god forsaken thing that came from its wake. More laws, more restrictions more of everything designed to keep the population good worker ants.
Another thing is seeing friends drift apart now that I've moved away from my old roots/area. Most of them are at university or have come back, but things aren't the same some how as they used to be. The bond we all had has grown thin and the views we used to share have gone with the flow of time and maturity that came with it. I just want to turn back time for just a little while and enjoy the days where we were carefree and didn't have such great burdens on our shoulders. But that isn't possible and it kind of annoys me that I didn't appreciate just what I had at the time, but only do... now that I don't have it. This goes for the relationship I have with my father too in the fact that we are getting more distant from each other that kind of hurts me a little and makes me think I'm not liked or wanted in his life sometimes. he isn't too healthy either and might have to have an operation on his heart which makes my anxiety about it all even worse to the point of me wanting to drive hundreds of miles just to let him know this stuff as I can't say it out in the open. I find that stuff too hard to say in person, and even if I had to write it down I don't know how on earth I could put it into words.
And yeah i'm still praying my brother makes it through rehab and lives. He is still in hospital trying to get the shit out of his system and let him recover enough physically enough to let him move on to the mental aspects of recuperating. Then he goes into rehab for six months to get him thinking right again. And hopefully stop his manic depression or give him a reason to go on and find happiness. But even if this is still possible he might have permanently destroyed some of his vital organs meaning he won't live to see me or any of the family get old.
I hate the idea of outliving my brother. If he died young I think it would send me over the edge and kill me. If not physically then mentally.
Then I have my own drug issues that keep trying to find their own way into my life again. It seems like every time I get clean and quit stuff I end up in a situation where its put in front of me. And not in a way I can shrug off. Like whenever I see my friends its always about drugs and booze. I can't seem to get away from it without totally shunning my friends and making new ones which isn't what I want. I've made these bonds and I don't want to sever them no matter how hard it might be on me. Nothing terrifies me more than being lonely.
Some people might like that but I need to be able to talk to people. Now I do like having time alone to reflect, but I still need that pleasure of being able to converse with close friends and family.
Even smoking, or trying to quit is really hard at the moment as whenever I get stressed I would light up and relax. But now that has gone all I do is pent up this crap/rage and end up exploding in ways that I regret the next day. Last time it happened I hurt a best friend; something I will always regret doing.
Another thing is the weight issues I've got have been killing me more then ever. I hate how I look in every way and want to be skinny. I'm weighing up at about 13 and a half stone at the moment and no matter how sensible I eat its not getting smaller. The work I do is too hard to allow me to go to the gym or exercise too much meaning most of it has to be done through dieting.
I can do diets but they always make me really cranky and get me short tempered, meaning that I usually end up firing off at friends and colleagues over the tiniest thing. I try to stop this from happening but when I get in a dark mood it overwhelms my personality and turns me into a complete prick. Hopefully the fat reduction pills I'm starting will help remove the fats from my daily intake and allow a quicker or at least somewhat visible result.
Last but not least my current relationship is feeling really strained. I hate coming home from work and feeling down and then talking and impressing that upon her. She shouldn't have to deal with any of that and it makes me feel even worse about it. I just want to be happy and share that feeling with her but I find it tough or more so impossible until I've spewed pages upon pages of shit till I can unwind enough to feel cool, calm and happy again.
I just want to be able to snuggle up and enjoy each others presence without having to resort to a keyboard to relay my feelings!
So there you have it folks. I do have a tough life, I do have some kind of soul and not that shit you folks get palmed off with, so enjoy picking and laughing at its inferiority while I'm down.[/hide]
Hey Smudger, to dare to post these words in public takes a lot of courage, that which not many people have. It's commendable. Nothing inferior about you.
Your drug addictions and weight loss problems are, confirmed by decades of scientific study, to be the result of basic stress-coping mechanisms in the brain. No matter how strong your willpower or how conscious you are of your actions, you can't just lose weight "cold-turkey" (which means instant quitting). The drug addiction requires an extreme shock, a trauma, to cause instant stops. What you can do, is change where the stress and troubles come from.
Start out with what you eat. Don't be nit-picky about calories. Eat vegetables, grains, and legumes (nuts and beans). Much less of meat. Go for natural foods, not food products. Eat small meals, but more often–don't starve yourself. Don't binge.
Also, hygiene. Keep yourself clean but don't obsess over it. It reduces stress if you're physically clean.
Excercise. If you want to lose weight, this is the way to go. It reduces insulin resistance, which dieting does nothing about, and promotes metabolism, which dieting worsens. Dieting also causes the body to go into starvation mode, and you automatically burn less fat.
Work management--the major source of stress. Break tasks into smaller parts, so it doesn't seem overwhelming. Procrastination causes stress, which causes more procrastination. And don't take on more responsibility than you can handle. Plan things out and set goals and milestones. Don't cram everything into a single moment. Keep organized. Money management is similar.
Play management--the major source of distraction. Don't play mmo's when you're depressed. I did that. It got worse. Depression hinders good performance, and failures worsen depression. Besides, by the end of your gaming session, you have no energy and realize you just wasted your time.
Sex... From what I see in your post, you don't have a good sex life. Depressed people don't have good sex lives. But don't masturbate too often, it does drain energy.
I don't smoke or use drugs, but my father's a heavy smoker. I see patterns in what makes him go for cigarettes. Most of the time, it's stress. At other times, it's excitement. You can chew on gum to comfort your mouth, but manage stress and avoid being overly excited.
What I say sounds just like general common sense, but during depression, these "common sense" words are easily forgotten. That's because depression makes the world look like it's going to collapse.
...
Friends. TBH, I have trouble with that. As a person with Asperger's Syndrome, I'm a poor adviser on socialization...
But perhaps more than general advice, and definitely more than medication, finding good friends is the best medicine. -
But don't masturbate too often, it does drain energy.
lollllwuutt??
am I reading this right
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all this overwhelming support makes me happy, especially because i flat out SUCK with words and can't say anything without repeating others.
good luck to you smudge, i hope nothing but good things come your way and you can become more happy :) -
Smudger I am a tactless person, my writing is a mess, and if I know myself this post will be that way too. Sorry.
! This is highly inappropriate on my part to ask, I don't know you well enough to jump to these conclusions, and I shouldn't, so feel freely to throw me out of any window you please and give me a big STFU on the way, but do you think these feelings are out of your control?
! Now personally I try to go by the “don't worry, be happy” philosophy, and from your post I think you at some point have tried to do exactly that after some hard times. Except it didn't work, so now what? Hopelessness? Like many already said, you are too hard on yourself, especially given your circumstances that seems more tough than you let on, so do you know why? There are so many outer factors to point at, with good reason, but it all comes to you and why you deal with things the way you do. And aren't I an uplifting person, but I don't think you have control enough to deal with this alone. Because you shouldn't have to. Given your friends, and family, I'm sure they love you, but they don't seem like that right bunch to be that person for you to hold on to in rough times, but they can help you heal.
The hard part is that you care for you family, for your friends but as long as you can't love yourself it isn't going to work. Cliché? Yes. True however. It's an evil downwards spiral from what I understand, where you care, but lash out and feel even more miserable. Maybe even feel that you are pushing your loved ones away. I don't know about the last part though. No one can live like that, and I think you care more about them than you want to care about yourself.
But here's the thing, the moment we resent ourself physically we know there is something not right with us. And we seek to destroy the part of ourself we don't like. We all do it sometimes, and we all know that life isn't supposed to be that hard. To what extent do you believe in this? I can give you a diet plan, that's my thing (a good diet can even help against some anxiety), but you can't objectify these feelings, and expect them to be gone with physical changes. Your body doesn't make up what kind of person you are, and sometimes nor does your brain. It's always the struggle between intention vs. act and maybe you are caught between these two.
And pills… They can be the push towards weight loss, but they are just as bad as they sound appealing. You are a smart guy, you know this.
Another thing is that from my perspective, you are doing the above with moving as well. Okay so the past can't be changed but moving forward is almost impossible without settling with it. Moving is great! And I hope you will get the dual nationality. But the luggage can be too heavy. It's not healthy. It doesn't mean that one is moving forward, but rather running away. I don't see it as a weakness, but I do worry about how you will handle it. Carrying unsettled problems is tough and not necessary. So why? It isn't the easy way out, quite the opposite, so why are you willing to let yourself go through this? There are always other options... It almost seems like something in you don't want to separate from the pain, while you just want to be happy.
It is easy to say that you should smile and be happy, and that is what I would say too, but are you able to do that by yourself? Family is a part of our identity, and if the family is broken then it obviously effects us is ways we don't even know. Like everybody says, maybe you should talk with them, and fix the parts that should be fixed. The words might not come to you on the way there, but if you push yourself into the situation you have to find a way out and that's when you can express your feelings as raw as they are. It comes.
It isn't easy to deal with people especially the ones you love, however it will be worth it. If you feel what is holding you back is their feelings, then know that it wouldn't be selfish, because the best way to help others is to be able to help and handle yourself and that's who you are doing this for. It might not be that way for you, but your well being is everybody’s first priority here. And that's how you should feel about yourself to make yourself happy.
! Again tackles as I am this is what advise I can give you. Maybe you should talk with a professional. A therapist or your doctor. It isn't fair that one person has to live with such burdens and stress and still worry about everyone ells.
! Ahh, dammit, please don't take this as some kind of lecture if it comes across that way.
And before I forget, there isn't a minute in ones life that is a waste. If you lived through them, then know that even that is better than not being able to do that... Gosh, I suck at this.
At last I believe you are a strong man who can pull through. But with too many lemons on the way. And I am sorry if I give a negative vibe, it isn't my intention, but there are some things that can't be skipped, but after those things there is always happiness.
! Again, you are more than welcome to bleach all this out of your brain but that's what I think atm and I don't know enough about you and this is probably all nonsense but just know that, yeah I care too and.... Yeah. -
I don't know how to put into words just how chuffed I am at the responses here.
All the help, support and advice given to me has completely dissolved any internal struggles I've been putting on myself. I really am thankful to all of you folks for taking the time to do this and I won't forget it any time soon.
I've been through everything thoroughly and re-evaluate a lot of my life and goals…. and its as if a burden has been lifted from me. It seems the pressure building up has been vented enough to let me see the problems and solutions.
Thank you.
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@I:
Oh don't let Greg get to you too much, dear. He can be a tad snarky himslf, as he proved right there with that comment, but he's really a good guy, and he's been living in Japan for years, where snark doesn't exist, really, at least not the way it does here, so his perspective on it can be a bit different from our perspective, despite his being American and all.
And tbh, there are places on the forums where things have gotten somewhat out of hand, at times. The important thing to keep in mind is that when it counts, people here are real, and genuinely supportive of each other (no intended comparisons to other forums, real or imagined, are to be construed from that, FTR.) I personally am truly proud to count myself a member of this community.
I find that there is reason for me to clarify this post, as I was inadvertently unfair to Greg. Living overseas changes a person's perspective, IMHO, having been through it myself, but in no way do I mean that makes it less accurate or affect the person's ability to be fair minded. To be clear–in no way shape or form do I mean to imply that a person's perspective is skewed by living in a culture different from that in which s/he grew up. I realized after rereading the post that the way I wrote it sounded as if I were implying otherwise, so I sincerely apologize. Please rest assured that any misunderstandings were a result of my lacks as a writer, rather than any intentional disrespect.
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I don't know how to put into words just how chuffed I am at the responses here.
All the help, support and advice given to me has completely dissolved any internal struggles I've been putting on myself. I really am thankful to all of you folks for taking the time to do this and I won't forget it any time soon.
I've been through everything thoroughly and re-evaluate a lot of my life and goals…. and its as if a burden has been lifted from me. It seems the pressure building up has been vented enough to let me see the problems and solutions.
Thank you.
YW
lollllwuutt??
am I reading this right
Maybe not. I would say all excessive sexual activity puts stress and damage on the brain and gonads, and drains stamina. However, occasional sex, self-stimulated or otherwise, is healthy.
BTW, masturbation prevents prostate cancer, but only for old men. Excessive sex in young men actually increases chances of prostate cancer.
The reason is: for old men, stale semen can be carcinogenic. Eject promptly. But hormones caused by sex could cause genetic and cellular damage in the prostate. Moderate. -
I had such a weird, bad day. Ordinarily this would go in How Your Day Was thread, but…
! What. The. Hell. The plan was to go shopping and pick up a birthday present for my friend and find some other stuff for the masquerade party. Since I have no fancy dresses (or dresses) or a nice mask, I was gonna do that. I mean, I don't want to show up wearing a Halloween mask. Plus, it'd get really uncomfortable wearing one all evening.
! … So when I asked my dad for money for a gift card, he instead turned it into a lecture, another painful reminder of senior year. DAMMIT. Senior year had AP Lit and Comp, but it was still the shittiest year of school ever. I do not want to be reminded of it, and he brings it up. He did give me $20, but when I tried to tell him I also wanted to buy a dress, he was like "You can wear one of your mom's." First off, all of mom's dresses as far as I know are casual, not formal. And I guess when a girl like me, who has never shown any interest in dresses ever, suddenly wants one, it's hard to explain that I really want a nice dress even if I won't wear it often.
! It sounds stupid even repeating it in my head. "I want a dress cuz all my friends say I'd look good in one." Nobody in the family understands how I feel. How can I explain that I have friends on the internet and they mean a great deal to me? Forget telling them that a large part this has to do with online friends' influence, but even the above sounds dumb. I never liked social events or things that would require wearing a dress. But dammit, I'd like to wear one, just once and feel good about how I look in it. Is it wrong to want to buy a dress if you're not gonna wear it often? Is it wrong to want to wear one because all your friends encourage you? I mean, fuck, nobody should let their lives be controlled by others alone, and yeah, you've got to think for yourself too. But I do want to wear one, not merely because people said so. Maybe I could... find one that fits me and not feel fat.
! I wouldn't be surprised if mom told me I'm too fat to fit in a dress. that's just how she is, blunt and uncaring about anything I do. It's not all about "look at me!!" but she doesn't even try to hide how much she doesn't give a shit. It's gotten to the point where I ask myself how long it's been that way. I'm not a parent, but if you don't care, it doesn't feel right to say to your child "Go away, I don't care," or something to that effect. When did she stop caring? Sometimes I obsess a little about trying to figure out something that probably won't have an answer. Maybe just... my suddenly piss-poor performance in school did that. She's always, and dad too, praised me for good grades. Maybe she's just given up on me. I guess I can't blame her for that. It's hardly like my progressively more rotten attitude has helped any relations I have with my family, who I now feel detached from more than ever.
! Speaking of poor relations, I definitely did something to piss off my brother. It started because yesterday when he took me out for practice driving, I had apparently accidentally turned on "high beams" or whatever they were called. FUCK! NOBODY HAS EXPLAINED TO ME WHAT ALL THE BUTTONS IN THE CAR DO. NOBODY. NOT MY MOM. DEFINITELY NOT MY DAD. AND NOT MY BROTHER. How the fuck was I supposed to know?? He noticed this today as we were driving off and was acting like I did it on purpose. If it was such a damned big deal, he should have pointed it out to me instead of assuming I know how everything works. Wheels. Brake. Gas Pedal. Shift stick. That's all I know. Not even very well I might add. If the parking lots weren't empty, I'd have hit so many cars by now.
! Awkward silence to the gym. Doesn't tell me when we'll be leaving. Both of us share blame, me for not asking and him for not telling. So afterward, instead of going to the high school or some other parking lot to practice driving or to the mall where we were supposed to go to get my friend's gift, he heads home. Maybe five minutes or so away from home, he suddenly asks where the $20 is, I say "In my pocket." He demands it from me, I give it to him, and he pockets it without saying anything, but in a way that seems angry or something. Doesn't say anything, neither do I. Not explicitly threatening me to not tell dad, but I got that feeling. He does not look like he intends on giving it back to dad, either. Now I'm in a foul mood. Fucking.... if the reason why he just pocketed $20 fucking dollars from me was because I was "late" leaving the gym when he never specified a time, I'll be even more pissed.
! One of the things I must never do. Occasionally he'll seem mad at me for I don't know why. But one thing I do know is that he gets REALLY PISSED if I'm late. Even if I'm only a bit late, he'll get pissed. It makes me afraid to be late, but even so, sometimes I can't help that. If I'm late, he doesn't give a damn if I have a valid reason for being late, he's just angry for the rest of the day and it's awkward. Plus, for whatever reason, I have a tendency to miss his phone calls. My phone won't ring or I don't hear it and then from there it gets more ugly. It's why I hate it when he picks me up/drives me anywhere. He'll spoil the fun. I start overestimating how long I'll be somewhere. If a party ends at 4 P.M., I definitely gotta overshoot because that's how it is with parties, goes on longer than the expected time.
! Times like these, which almost never happen like they used to, do surface on rare occasions. Times like these make me all the more aware of the divide between me and my brother. I've never been deluded enough to think I completely understand him, even in recent years when I feel I can relate to him more. So now I'm pissed off, and don't even feel like going to this grad/birthday party because of the shit I'm getting for just wanting to go see a friend I haven't fucking seen in ages but who still thinks of us as friends. If having fun means getting lectures about how I gotta be more serious about college and other shit, maybe it's best not to have fun, eh? Fucking christ, I even took care of 99% of the orientation checklist even though I didn't want to. Recently got cavity fillings, but I HAVE started to brush my teeth more often and exercise. What's the point if I get shit no matter what I do? Why even bother? I don't expect showers of praise for doing what should be basic, but can't I at least get a nice reaction for doing more healthy actions? -
Tell your brother the fuck off.
No seriously, tell your brother the fuck off.
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what kenny said…
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PM if I read and understood your post correctly…
[hide]…your brother not only knew and recalled that you were supposed to go to the mall and not home, he deliberately did not go there before he stole your money. What an Ass. I am furious on your behalf, and completely concur with Kenny. [/hide]
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Oh yeah and he also threw his chopsticks at me after we got back home. He had some beef bowl and ordered me to take care of the dirty dishes. As I was finishing up, he just chucks 'em at me. Not directly in my face, but… kinda like... for lack of better comparison, it's like when the police officer throws down his badge in angry resignation on his boss's desk and walks off. That's kinda how he did it. With contempt. That's the word I was looking for.... Honestly, it's not even the worst thing he's ever really done. I thought we were over that phase of him being a dictator and asshole. I guess I was naive to think it'd ever truly go away. It just occurs much less often. Sorry Kenny, but I'm too terrified of my brother when he gets like this to say anything. I've learned that saying such things will only make him more scary.
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Piratemarimo, is it alright if I ask what's your brother's relationship to your mother and father? From what I see, he's trying to control your life by making you feel weak, helpless, ashamed, and afraid whenever he does something to you. You should have a talk with your parents about his behavior, but not with him around. Maybe they can do something about it. If they don't, you may have to get help from relatives, or even outside help.
From my experience, I believe talking to personal counseling at a medical center or your school is great for these situations. They help you understand why you feel the way you do, how to communicate more effectively, and how to deal with stress and compulsions. They are bound by law to be completely confidential, meaning they can't talk about you in public, say anything specific to you in public, or even let other people know you see them.
I won't claim that I give the best advice, so if you think you find better advice elsewhere, follow that.
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PM, all I can say is that even if you can't do what Kenny said, find other ways to give him less power. Don't give your money, don't do him any favors, refuse to pick him up and tell your parents to fuck off. I'd like to see how tough he is once you stop doing him any favors.
In other words, if you're not obligated to do anything for him, don't do it, and drop a very big hint that it's his bitchy behavior at fault.
Also, don't forget any of this shit he's doing to you, because if he escalates to the point of being dangerous, you'll be all the more motivated to kick his legs out from under him (calling the police, defying him, etc.)
EDIT: I might as well state where I'm coming from. I've lived with someone like this for 5 years, and I can tell you first hand they're not worth any time or attention you don't have to give them, and in my case it was also a family member that pretty much took advantage of and verbally abused me. -
I'm curious to how it was like with you two growing up. Good times, bad times. Me and my sister are somewhat like that, though we have a mutual understating and would not go "too far" to bring eachother down. We are twins afterall. Still curious though.
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Wow. So… apparently this was all a horrid misunderstanding. Bro just gave me a target giftcard with $20 on it. ... What the hell? <______< No seriously, when the fuck did he even do that? I'm soooo confused right now. Wait a minute... the gym... when I left, he drove up not waiting in the lobby? ... so that means... he actually drove there himself?! OKAY. Now I understand. Seriously though, what a fucking nightmare.
It doesn't quite explain some of his behavior though. Maybe it really was just because I was "late" and nothing else? Our relationship with each other is a bit complicated to explain. He's told me that he didn't used to like me when I was younger. But... on rare moments, he's shown that he does care. Very, very rare moments.
edit:
You know what? Fuck him anyway. Who the hell does that. Nice gesture to drive off to Target and get the giftcard... except then gives no indication of having done so, acts contemptuously, then doesn't give me the damned card until several hours later. Fuck him.I don't even have formal attire for the masquerade party yet.
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Ah, complicated eh? I understand. I personally didn't really know how much my own sister resented me until this year. And it's all thanks to little things like, "who to X first", "who got the larger piece of X", "who was better". I had a long post explaining the whole thing, but my sever crashed and I lost all of it ._. A story for another time I guess.