We ran out of things to parody, so we're going to parody the obscure musical Flower Drum Song (which brought us the song I Enjoy Being a Girl, which isn't obscure). Kagura and Kamui Yato come to Goldenrod City so Kagura can get married and make babies for the Yato clan. However, since Kagura's 'fiancee' is a pretty-boy who loves a nightclub singer with all his heart, Kamui has to change his mind several times. All of this gets more complicated when they meet Gintoki, Shinpachi, Otae, and others. See the meme Selleck Waterfall Sandwich get tossed around. Hear some of the 50 states' views on all of this. Wonder why Kamui is quoting Napoleon Dynamite. Learn to dress up for a party, One Piece: Strong World-style. Wonder how, why, and when Kagura began using the word 'bitchin'' as a catchphrase. Wonder how we managed to sucessfully weave Napoleon Dynamite AND Yu-Gi-Oh: The Abridged Series refrences, lines, and motifs into this musical. Hear people sing songs they have no right to sing. Facepalm at why a One Piece, Gintama, Hetalia, and Katekyo Hitman Reborn crossover could have so many refrences. And, come back for more when it's all said and done.
Chapter One: "Kagura, Come get Some Ham!"
It was a beautiful day on the high seas outside of Olivine City, Johto, as Kagura and Kamui Yato were on their way home after a month on their home planet where Kagura had to begin her quest to find a husband to make little Yato clan babies that can throw SUVs up to fifty yards away.
(Background Song: Believe, from One Piece)
"These sailors are very nice. They let us use their ship," Kagura commented to her older brother.
"Kagura, our shipmates are the Homunculi from Fullmetal Alchemist. Have you just realized that?" Kamui said as he gestured to the Homunculi and Hohenheim, who were partying and drinking.
"Sail away where no ball and chain
Can keep us from the roarin' waves
Together undivided but forever we'll be free
So sail away aboard our rig
The moon is full and so are we
We're seven drunken pirates
We're the seven deadly sins
So the years rolled by and several died
And left us somewhat reelin'
Johnny strummed his Tommy gun
Left blastin' through the ceiling
So what became of rebels
Who sang for you and me?
Grapplin' with their demons
In the search for liberty," Hohenheim sung
"Suffers who suffer all
Can swim upon the desert
Where avarice have ravaged all
In spite of good intentions
Don't fill your mouth with gluttony
For pride will surely swell
But nothing's unforgiven in the four corners of hell," Greed, Pride, and Gluttony sang.
"Sail away where no ball and chain
Can keep us from the roarin' waves
Together undivided but forever we'll be free
So sail away aboard our rig
The moon is full and so are we
We're seven drunken pirates
We're the seven deadly sins
We're seven drunken pirates
We're the seven deadly sins," Hohenheim and the Homunculi sang.
"Envy and it's evil twin
It crept in bed with slander
Idiots they gave advice
But sloth it gave no answer
Anger kills the human soul
With butter tales of lust
While pavlov's Dogs keep chewin'
On the legs they never trust," Envy, Sloth, and Lust sang.
"Sail away where no ball and chain
Can keep us from the roarin' waves
Together undivided but forever we'll be free
So sail away aboard our rig
The moon is full and so are we
We're seven drunken pirates
We're the seven deadly sins
We're seven drunken pirates
We're the seven deadly sins," Sang the Homunculi and Hohenheim.
"But It's the only life we'll know
Blagards to the bone
So don't wreck yourself
Take an honest grip
For there's more tales beyond the shore
Ah the years rolled by and several died
And left us somewhat reelin'
In and out came crawlin' out
And spewed upon the ceiling
So what became of rebels
That sang for you and me
Grapplin with their demons
In the search for liberty," Sang Fuhrer King Bradley/Pride.
"Sail away where no ball and chain
Can keep us from the roarin' waves
Together undivided but forever we'll be free
So sail away aboard our rig
The moon is full and so are we
We're seven drunken pirates
We're the seven deadly sins
Sail away where no ball and chain
Can keep us from the roarin' waves
Together undivided but forever we'll be free
So sail away aboard our rig
The moon is full and so are we
We're seven drunken pirates
We're the seven deadly sins
We're seven drunken pirates
We're the seven deadly sins
We're seven drunken pirates
We're the seven deadly sins," Sang the Homunculi and Hohenheim, who did jazz hands at the end of their song and dance number.
"Kamui nii-san, do you trust these people?" Kagura asked.
"What do you think?! Heck yes, I do! Gosh!" Kamui exclaimed.
A few minutes later, the ship docked and everybody packed their bags in an SUV that could fit everybody.
"Thanks to the magic of fanfiction, this van will fit us all," Hohenheim proclaimed as everybody began laughing.
"Children, what is so funny?" Hohenheim asked his kids.
"You sound like you're from the Beatles Yellow Submarine Movie or Bevis and Butthead!" Envy cried out as he tried to hold back laughter.
"And this is funny, why?" Hohenheim asked coldly.
"Bacause it's a freaking funny dirty joke! That's why!" Envy yelled.
A few minutes later, Hohenheim was on the road and driving.
"Father, we didn't know you could drive so well," Sloth pointed out.
"Hey, i've been driving for decades. Nobody's going to stop me now," Hohenheim said as the police, with sirens blaring, began to follow them.
"Damn it!" Hohenheim yelled as he pulled off to the side of the road. A few minutes later, the police cut up Hohenheim's drivers license for various small charges.
"Yo, Yato-sama, drive us to Goldenrod!" Envy shouted.
"Me or nii-san?" Kagura said.
"Your brother. It's obvious that you can't drive yet," Greed said.
"I'm just looking for a driver whose's qualified
So if you think that you're the one, step into my ride.
I'm gonna it find for this super fame machine
Sort of type like a ganster lead
So if you feel it let me know, know, know.
Come on and what you're waiting for, for, for.
My head is waiting to explode, explode, explode.
So call me other watch me go, go, go
Do you really wanna go, if you know what I mean.
Got a ride that's smoother than a limosine.
With a head of curls that runs all lights.
If you can baby, we can go all night.
It's nearly sixty three for five.
Baby you got the key.
Now shut up and drive, drive, drive.
Shut up and drive
I got class like a fiftycent cadlilac.
You gotta drive with a whole lot of boemalac.
You look like you can handle what's under my hood.
You keeping saying that you will, but I whish you would.
So if you feel it let me know, know, know.
Come on and what you're waiting for, for, for.
My head is waiting to explode, explode, explode.
So call me other watch me go, go, go
Do you really wanna go, you know what I mean.
Got a ride that's smoother than a limosine.
With a head of curls that runs true lights.
If you can baby, we can go all night.
It's nearly sixty three for five.
Baby you got the key.
Now shut up and drive
shut up and drive
So if you feel it let me know, know, know.
Come on what you're waiting for, for, for.
My head is waiting to explode, explode, explode.
So call me other watch me go, go, go
Do you really wanna go, if you know what I mean.
Got a ride that's smoother than a limosine.
With a head of curls that runs true lights.
If you can baby, we can go all night.
It's nearly sixty three for five.
Baby you got the key.
Now shut up and drive, drive, drive
Shut up and drive
I need a player that can drive.
But I got, can I get it, get it.
Don't stop, it's a short cut.
Won't you ride up boy, I'm tired.
I don't even worry, so step inside and ride.
Ride, ride, drive, drive, drive
So if you feel it let me know, know, know.
Come on what you're waiting for, for, for.
My head is waiting to explode, explode, explode.
So call me other watch me go, go, go
Do you really wanna go, if you know what I mean.
Got a ride that's smoother than a limosine.
With a head of curls that runs true lights.
If you can baby, we can go all night.
It's nearly sixty three for five.
Baby you got the key.
Now shut up and drive, drive, drive
Shut up and drive.
Shut up and drive.
Shut up and drive," Lust sang. About an hour later, Kamui had driven everybody to Goldenrod City.
"We're here. I think we'll leave you two alone," Greed said.
"For what reason?" Kagura asked.
"Bom-chicka-wow-wow!" Envy said in a type of sing-song voice that made it sound dirtier.
"We're siblings, you sicko!" Kamui shouted as he grabbed Kagura by the hand and walked off. A few minutes later, they arrived at somebody's house.
"Wow, that's one bitchin' house," Kagura commented as they walked up to the front door. They then rang the doorbell, and Gintoki and Shinpachi anwsered.
"Gin-san, Shinpachi, how did you guys get this bitchin' house while I was gone?!" Kagura cried out as they entered the house.
"Actually, Kagura-chan, this is actually Nico Robin's house. We were only here to help her get ready for her date tonight," Shinpachi said.
"Damn it, I thought you guys struck it rich. But, this house is still bitchin'," Kagura commented.
"How was the vacation on your home planet?" Gintoki asked Kagura.
"Papi said I had to marry some guy, and I don't really care," Kagura said.
"Kagura, do you care about family honor?!" Kamui questioned.
"Yes, but when we're not killing," Kagura stated.
"Then find a damn husband! Gosh!" Kamui cried out.
"Your brother must love the movie Napoleon Dynamite," Gintoki stated.
"It's his favorite movie. We marathoned it on the spaceship ride back to Earth," Kagura said.
"Anyway, Gin-san and I don't intend to stick around here longer, as Robin is about to go on a date with Sanji," Shinpachi said as he adjusted his glasses a bit.
"We didn't really want to do it, but she made us do it since Nami and Vivi were busy. Shinpachi and I wanted to spend the afternoon going to Jamba Juice, playing extreme frisbee golf in the mall, buying this week's copy of Jump, and heading back to the apartment just in time to watch Arrested Development," Gintoki explained before on of Robin's limbs came out of the wall and punched him in the face.
"Ow! What the hell was that for?!" Gintoki cried out.
"Gin-san… I think you should stop talking," Shinpachi said as he pointed to Robin, who was standing at the foot of the stairs and wearing the clothes she wore during the Skypeia arc in One Piece.
"So you're the owner of this bitchin' house?!" Kagura cried.
"Kagura-chan, stop saying that everything about Nico Robin's house is bitchin'," Shinpachi stated as Sanji came inside.
"Hi, Robin-chawn, you look beautiful tonight!" Sanji said.
"Thank you. But, you look beautiful as well," Robin said.
"Wow! Even her sexy-ass boyfriend is -" Kagura exclaimed, but was cut off by Shinpachi.
"Don't you dare!" Shinpachi cried.
"Bitchin'!" Kagura exclaimed before Shinpachi duct taped her mouth shut.
"Never speak again!" Shinpachi scolded.
"So, do you want to go out for dinner, and then we can come back here and cook dessert?" Sanji asked Robin.
"Sounds like a good plan," Robin said.
"Are they for real?" Kagura asked Gintoki.
"Hells yeah. Deal with it," Gintoki said as if he was foreshadowing something.
A few minutes later, the Yoruzuya and Kamui arrived back at Gintoki's apartment, where Kondo was blatantly hitting on Tae, again.
"Nee-chan!" Kagura cried.
"Kagura-chan, welcome home!" Tae exclaimed.
"Why don't you give me that much attention?! It's not fair!" Kondo whined.
"Because you're a perverted gorilla, that's why," Tae stated.
"Fine! Be that way!" Kondo cried before running away while sobbing buckets of tears.
"Bitchin'! Nee-chan made a member of the Shinsengumi cry!" Kagura exclaimed.
"I'd tell you to shut up, but since nee-san made her stalker cry, i'll let it slide THIS TIME," Shinpachi stated in a very non-descript way.
"Kagura-chan, Kamui-san, I have decided to give you two a carton of ice cream for all thr trouble you went through today," Gintoki said as he began to open the freezer. The next thing he knew was that the Yoruzuya, Kamui, Tae, Otose, Catherine, Tama, and some customers of the snack shop on the bottom floor were standing on the sidewalk in front of the building, because the freezer was leaking freeon gas.
"As soon as the freeon gas clears, i'll get my hat, and we'll hit the town," Gintoki said. That night, they decided to check out the Shinsengumi's Trade Show at the convention center, which was going on at the same time as an anime convention.
"Great, now i'm going to miss the anime convention!" Gintoki groaned.
"Tell me about it. I have to miss the Shinsengumi's trade show, because I have to do my act in the masquerade," Said a Gintoki cosplayer who was walking by. The group then entered the trade show.
"Bitchin'!" Kagura cried.
"Neato!" Tae cried.
"Awesome!" Gintoki cried.
"Cool!" Kamui cried.
"Girugamesh!" Shinpachi proudly declared as they approached a booth run by Hijikata.
"Oi, Mayora, what is your booth supposed to be?" Gintoki asked.
"I'm making mayonnaise cigarettes. You freeze-dry the mayonnaise, blend it until it is a powder form, roll the powder up in the cigarette paper, and, voila, a mayonnaise cigarette with mayonnaise in the place of nicotine or pot," Hijikata explained.
"You need to go to rehab if you have a smoking and mayonnaise addiction so bad, you need to make mayonnaise cigarettes to satisfy both addictions, Bastard Hijitaka," Okita said in a deadpan tone.
"I have your cell phone, Sougou! I know the conversation you had with Robin about marriage!" Hijikata explained as a security guard came up from behind Hijikata and took him away.
"This is a weird convention," Shinpachi stated.
"Sougou, get your ass over here and come help with virtual badminton!" Yamazaki shouted from across the hall.
"I have to go. Yamazaki-san wants me to help with his non-descript booth," Okita said before walking away.
"I forgot! Kagura, we need to present you to Sanji, because he's going to be your future husband," Kamui said.
"Oh, God! Hell no!" Kagura cried. A few minutes later, they arrived at Robin's house, where Robin and Sanji wouldn't anwser their door.
"Kagura-chan, look in the window and see if they're home," Shinpachi ordered.
"Yes, Shinpachi," Kagura said as she walked over to the window and looked inside. Kagura then screams.
"Kagura-chan, what happened?!" Shinpachi cried as everyone else ran to the window and looked inside. They all then screamed.
"Why are they doing the nasty?! And on the floor?!" Shinpachi cried.
We cut to Yuki-Rin and two of her crew mates, Hana and Kazuma, who are in a confessional room in an undisclosed location.
"Konban-wa. What you saw was something written in for COMEDY, not HENTAI. There's a fine difference between comedy and hentai," Yuki-Rin stated.
"Yuki-Rin, you're completely missing the point! This is about how it's a turning point for the plot, not how the scene where Sanji and Robin [bleep] [bleep] [bleep] was comedy and not hentai," Hana explained.
"Listen, people on Arlong Park, what Hana is trying to say is that what our band of heroes discovered Sanji and Robin doing is a major turning point for this fanfiction. In short, this means that Kagura won't marry Sanji due to the things they saw that we can't show," Kazuma exlplained.
"How long were you all under the illusion that Sanji was going to marry Kagura?" Yuki-Rin asked the audience.
"This crossover doesn't have people from Bleach, Yuki-Rin," Hana said.
"I know. But, how long were people under that illusion?" Yuki-Rin asked Hana.
"Apparently, when they discovered Sanji and Robin doing the nasty," Kazuma said.
"You're a pervert, Kazuma. Anyway, we will be starting the next chapter soon. We'd love to tell you who Kagura's new fiancee is, but we can't, as that will be spoiling pretty much the whole plot," Hana said.
Songs used in Ch. 1
The Seven Deadly Sins by Flogging Molly
Shut up and Drive by Rihanna
Well, this is my anime/crack/musical parody of Flower Drum Song. I do not own any of the songs, because if I do, i'd be very rich. Expect the following to go down in this parody (but not next chapter): the Eleven Supernovas, people singing songs they have no right to sing, crack, and much, much more. Stay tuned, Arlong Park. I will also be posting this to fanfiction.net, but not until Monday, because I just signed up there. Sorry if the font/font size changes a lot, it isn't my fault.
Oh, and does anybody get why Hoehenheim's line, "Thanks to the magic of fanfiction, this van will fit us all" line is so funny? If not, here's why.
Hohenheim's first name is Van. The Homunculi thought the Van he was referring to was Hohenheim and not a car. So, they think that somehow, they are going to be impregnated in Hohenheim and Hoehenheim will give birth to them when he arrives at their destination. Kind of mind-scarring if you think of it.
Edit: I just posted this to fanfiction.net. It's much different than this one, since I was more motivated to fix this one (I still like these forums! I just didn't feel like fixing this one!). There are some problems with the first chapter, but you can get past those and read them. I promise chapter two would be in all italics with a line out of place and schizo font sizes.