Randomness

[piratemarimo]

@Sai-chan:

Nah, you got her down reeeally well. As for her clothing… uh. Well, do the best you can. We all have our follies.

A fictional name? How about... Samantha. Does that work?

Also, some little tidbits: She doens't like coffee, (she loves water and iced tea) and she tries to speak more politely when meeting new people. ex: 'Why hello there! My name is ___, how can I help you?' But when she gets to know them she becomes more laid back: 'What the fuck?! Hahahahaa! I can't believe it! Ya'll're serious? Really?!'

hm! I must learn the ways of fashion!

ah thanks for the new trivia. the funny thing is that I was hesitant to have her agree to coffee cuz in my mind I was like "Wait… does Sai-chan's mom drink coffee?" and I spent several long, agonizing minutes debating what to do for that part. lol I'm such a perfectionist. and then I usually describe characters with a few physical traits and then was like "Wait! What if she doesn't have brown hair?!" and stuff. I am so including your mom somehow in the dream world. perhaps in the form of a Ranger. Once we get there. I can see this taking awhile, since I want to build up our characters' friendship a little before we head off to our real adventures. While we're still talking about coffee, does your mom have any favorite snacks to go with her iced tea?

[Sai-chan]

@piratemarimo:

hm! I must learn the ways of fashion!

ah thanks for the new trivia. the funny thing is that I was hesitant to have her agree to coffee cuz in my mind I was like "Wait… does Sai-chan's mom drink coffee?" and I spent several long, agonizing minutes debating what to do for that part. lol I'm such a perfectionist. and then I usually describe characters with a few physical traits and then was like "Wait! What if she doesn't have brown hair?!" and stuff. I am so including your mom somehow in the dream world. perhaps in the form of a Ranger. Once we get there. I can see this taking awhile, since I want to build up our characters' friendship a little before we head off to our real adventures. While we're still talking about coffee, does your mom have any favorite snacks to go with her iced tea?

You and me both; lol.

Nah, she doens't like coffee all that much if at all. xD My mom has blond hair. Interpret that however you like; her hair is also short. Basically I got my hair from the other half, lol. A ranger? Hm. She'd certainly be a sniper of sorts.

I love the building up of friendships~ the dynamics are all just so interesting.

Tacos. Or mexican food in general. Actually she's no where near as picky as me. However she's not so easy to feed that she'll eat a cow tounge or something–that's where her girly girl ness comes out. (Eeew! That's nasty!)

[ChesCa]

Finally! I'm getting around to reading stories today.
This one….I think is alright. I can't comment since this is something between you and Sai-Chan, but the least I can do for this community is give other people's stories a chance (as they did mine).
I'll be waiting for the next installment, but a good start right there.

[piratemarimo]

What, an update?? What is this madness? :blink: I don't know, I was listening to the Brother Bear soundtrack and just started writing. It's been far too long. 0___o This is a Christmas story for Pink Elephants. Um… You can consider it canon, but it takes place quite a bit after the first parts which I really want to burn with fire I think I make reference to in this piece. This would've been much nicer if I had actually written more so we could see the progression of character development and all that jazz instead of just suddenly doing a time-skip, buuuut you know how it is. orz And if it was unclear/forgotten, Jeff is the kid's stuffed giraffe.

Pink Elephant Christmas:

! “Hey Freddy!!” I called out loudly. “Fred! Wake up!” I said again with more excitement. Fred continued to doze. I looked down at him with a pout, and then a smirk spread across my face. “Gonna ignore me, huh? I’ll teach you!” I took a few steps back and then dashed forward and pounced on Fred who gave a half-asleep trumpet of surprise. What I didn’t account for was him rolling over fast enough to flip me onto my back. I barely had time to let out my own surprised “Wah!” before finding myself getting half-squished by Fred. “Mmph! Mm!” Fred tried scrambling up as quickly as possible upon the realization that I was slowly suffocating. “Oh, oh, sorry!” he exclaimed. He extended his trunk towards me in assistance, which I gratefully accepted. With a firm yet gentle grip, he lifted me up into a sitting position.
! “Goodness, are you alright?” he asked me, sweeping his trunk down my shoulders and back to clear off the dirt on my shoulders, except this dirt was cold and white. “Hm?” Fred said in confusion. “What is this strange substance you’ve got on you?” This gave me pause, and I turned around to look at him, and laughed.
“Come on, you’re just joking, right? You should know…” I trailed off seeing his genuinely bewildered expression. “What?” I said with a touch of disbelief. Fred tilted his head and then took a look at his surroundings for the first time.
“Oh my, everything has turned white! Oh, oh, and just feel how cold it is! I had noticed it was getting a bit cooler lately, but now it is suddenly quite cold, indeed.” There was a pause, and I realized then that this really should not be all that surprising. Freddy was pretty intelligent as far as elephants go, but I imagine this was not commonplace in his homeland. “I get it now! You’re an elephant, so you’ve never seen this kind of weather before, have you?” I asked. I watched him examine the ground carefully. He reached out with his trunk and scooped up a handful of snow.
! “What do you call this substance?” he said.
“It’s snow!” I said with a grin.
“Snow?”
“Yeah! In this country, snow falls during winter. It’s cold and yummy to eat! Just make sure it’s not yellow or gray.” I said with a laugh. “Did you know, Fred? No two snowflakes look the exact same.”
“Interesting,” Fred said. “Is snow always this powdery? It’s strange to touch… It’s like it dissolves when I pick it up.”
“Well, it kind of depends, I guess. But the best kind of snow is the wet snow. You can build all kinds of stuff with it!”
“You can build with this strange material?” Fred asked.
“Why sure you can! You can make forts and snowmen!”
“How interesting!” Fred said. “Will you show me the art of making these forts and snowy men of which you speak?”
“Sure! Let’s go sledding, too.” I remembered myself and then added, “Oh, sledding is when you slide down a hill on a board, basically… Though I’m not sure if we’ll find one that will support us both, but we could always try and make it. I used to take Jeff with me whenever I’d go sledding. The two of us can show you how to do it.”
! Fred and I set up a campfire and had breakfast under the branches of the great, big pine tree that we had found the other day. It was a nice spot. There was a sudden rustle up above us, and I looked up in time to see a medium-sized squirrel dashing upon the branch before a big pile of snow plopped down onto the two of us and the fire. I stood up and shook snow off my head like a dog and scowled at the squirrel which was chittering with laughter at us, especially Fred who was still unused to this snow. He danced about from the sensation of cold with several trumpets of surprise. “Hey,” I said sternly. “Go play somewhere else, you silly squirrel. We’re trying to enjoy our breakfast in peace.”
! Afterward this minor incident, we set off to find a nice big hill. It wasn’t too hard to find such a place, and then after hiking up to the top, I looked around for a good tree that we might turn into a sled. There was a fallen tree that looked like it would do the trick, so I called Fred over. “Give me a hand, Fred. We’ll turn this into a toboggan.” It was certainly challenging work. By midafternoon, we had finally finished what I hoped would be enough to support both of us without breaking. I surveyed it with a critical eye, and Jeff sat on my shoulder surveying it, too. “Hmm… What do you think, Jeff? … Yeah, I was thinking the same.” I turned to Fred. “We’ll need some kind of rope to pull this sled. Do you have any ideas?”
“Hmm…” Fred stroked his chin with his trunk and then said “Why don’t we just find really supple branches? We can bend it and form a sort of rope that way. I’ve seen people weave out of branches before, so if we found something like that, I could probably make it from memory.”
! “Cool! Let’s go!” We searched some more and managed to find something that Fred seemed satisfied with, and then he sat down and got to work. I had been traveling with Fred for some time now, and yet I was frankly amazed that he was able to weave at all with no fingers. I smiled to see him work. He never ceased to amaze me, though I had gotten more used to it. After all, Fred was no ordinary elephant. After a bit, he gave me a few tips on how to weave, and soon I was helping him finish it up. “Phew!” I said at long last. “We’re finally ready to give this a try. Let’s eat lunch up on top of the hill.”
! “Alright, now let’s try this out!” I said eagerly. “Hmm, perhaps you should sit in the back of the toboggan, Fred. I might need to steer.” After we had gotten situated, with Jeff poking up out of the front of my jacket, I smiled at what people would think if they could see a kid and an elephant sledding down a hill. “Alright, we have to push this sled to gain momentum. Then we’ll let gravity do its work.” It took a bit of effort, but we started inching down. “Alright, yes, yes! Hold on tight!” I said. We rocketed down the hillside in a blur, Fred trumpeting all the while as I yelled in excitement. When at last we came to a stop, I turned and grinned at Fred. “Well? How did you like it?” Fred had to spend two minutes trying to regain his breath. At last, he looked at me and then said, “Can we do that again?”
I grinned. “Absolutely, Fred!”
! That night we both slept soundly, snuggling up under the blankets. The next day, I then explained to him the art of building. Thanks to his strength, he was able to build a massive snowman. We rolled about in the snow. I laughed at his attempt to make a snow angel and then took him to a clearing where I showed him how the snow’s stickiness allowed us to build blocks. He seemed uncertain about throwing snowballs, but he began to learn the art of dodging and throwing, almost too well, as a matter of fact. By the end of the day, I was dripping wet more so than he was. We dried off and shared hot chocolate made from the mix I had obtained. He had fun balancing marshmallows and skewering them upon his tusks to toast. It was hilarious when he had first tried to do so because he wound up with a gooey mess smeared on his tusks that refused to wash off easily and which left him smelling like marshmallows for a long time.
! As we traveled along in the next few weeks, we came to what appeared to be an abandoned cabin out in the woods. Fred examined it and determined that nobody had been living here in some time. There wasn’t a trace of any personal belongs either, so we cleaned the place up and made ourselves comfortable. I sat by the fire staring out the window in content. I glanced at Fred napping in front of the fireplace and smiled nostalgically. Things have changed so much… I thought to myself. Yeah… That’s right, I used to really… hate Fred. Now I don’t know what I’d do without him. I wonder if this is…
! I stood up and carefully draped a blanket over him. “Sweet dreams, Fred.” I lay down on the couch watching him until I eventually fell asleep. I knew what was coming up, and I wanted to do something special. I did my best to explain to Fred why we needed to go get a tree. He seemed eager to learn everything there was to know about this holiday. Fred and I then spent the days making snowflakes and the like from things we found out in the woods. We stayed up late by the fire telling stories. He fired away so many questions, much to my delight. It was usually the other way around, at least after I had gotten to know him better. Fred also taught me how to make chestnut cream pie. I have no idea quite how he did it, but it would seem that he had visited some squirrels at some point and had even run into the very same squirrel that had dumped snow on us. However, I stopped caring about the “how” as soon as I took a bite of my fresh-baked slice of pie.
! On Christmas morning, I woke up and was amazed to see that there were a lot of things under the tree. I had been working hard, making crafts, and it would seem that Fred had done the same. I had knitted Fred a big scarf that would help protect his sensitive ears from the cold. I even fashioned matching coverings for his feet. Though he didn’t complain about it, I realized that it was hard for him to go long distances when his poor feet were buried in icy snow. I also tried to weave something for Fred to wear around his tusks as some sort of decoration. He gave a joyful trumpet and paraded around whilst constantly lifting his feet up and proudly inspecting his boots. Apparently Fred had a similar thought when he gave me a scarf and mittens. He had even managed to make a hat for Jeff. Then he gave me a necklace with a wooden carving of an elephant. He then held up another one that was similar and said, “You’ll always remember me, won’t you? If we both wear one, we’ll always remember each other, no matter what?”
I stared in wonder at the carving. It was beautifully sculpted. I could not bring myself to speak just yet. The eyes were so lifelike. It looked just like Fred. My hand closed around it gently. I looked up at Fred and stared into his eyes. I ran forward and gave him a big hug. He wrapped his trunk around my midriff and squeezed me.
“Merry Christmas, Fred,” I whispered.
“Merry Christmas to you, too,” he whispered right back.

[ChesCa]

Finally got around to this!

Hmm, what to say?
First off, like that you're still focusing on the whimsy aspect of things.
I think you need more imagery and detail, but it's not that bad.

One thing that was really confusing was when the main character said 'let's have lunch,' and then all of a sudden it's time to race down the hill.

Bonus Points: Jeff reminds me of Hobbes.

[piratemarimo]

@Cuddles:

Bonus Points: Jeff reminds me of Hobbes.

omg. I wasn't even thinking of that. Best compliment I have ever received. Ever. Thanks~

Anyway. I figured it would be okay to post a few pieces that I did for Fiction Writing class. I have Bartartman to thank for this since he gave me the names and helped nudge me along a bit. So the two character are Dante and Virgil. 8D If at any point it starts looking too much like DMC, give me a smack. That's not how it's supposed to be at all. I might submit them for the next monthly.

Part 1 (dramatic event prompt, in which I can't say what the event is… right away)

! I stared down at the ground with unseeing eyes. The only sound that filled the clearing was my own harsh, ragged breathing. Not even the trees stirred their leaves, though truthfully there wasn’t much left on the trees at this point. Deep gashes scored the bark. The once solid ground had turned into the moon; craters in various sizes and rubble decorated the area. I turned away from the destruction and stumbled off towards the river in the hopes that I might be able to wash away the stench that overpowered my olfactory nerves.
! After many painful minutes that seemed to stretch into hours, I made it to the pebbly bankside and waded in up to my waist, dragging along the object in my hand which was as heavy as a lead bar. The river on this part of the mountain was not rapids territory, but it tugged at my weary body almost as if to sweep me away. I watched rivulets of blood swirl away downstream. Before too long I made my way back to the hideout, disoriented and tired. At least, I attempted to get there. My legs buckled and I pitched forward. I could barely cry out. As I lay amidst the dead leaves, I slowly became aware of footsteps, first slowly then rapidly approaching.
! “Hey! Dante, hey!” a voice whispered urgently. “What in God’s name happened to you?” I knew that voice and relaxed a little. At least for now I was in good hands. Virgil always knew what to do in a crisis. I was dimly aware of being hauled upright. “You’re covered in blood… Just hang on while I get medicine. I saw a patch of herbs growing not too far from here; I can make you a poultice.” So saying, he slung my arm around his shoulder and carried me back.
! I woke up by a crackling fire, staring up at the rock ceiling of the cave in silence. I knew Virgil would soon be demanding explanations. He was no fool, either. I would never get away with lying. However… if he knew that Antonio Cecilli had returned after all this time, there was no telling what could happen. It had been years since we had last seen him. I had had no idea that they had so corrupted Antonio. How long had he been one of them? Was it possible that even as he stood waving goodbye, bitterness was brewing in his heart? Virgil and I had been following this trail for so long, only to have it lead back to Antonio? His accusations had sent me reeling, nauseous with horror. Poor Lisa… I could not imagine his anguish.
! “I see you’re awake,” Virgil interrupted my thoughts. I managed a grunt, said nothing.
“Well?” he asked. I still said nothing. “Who did this to you?” he asked in a chilling calm voice. I did my best to not shudder or show any sign of outward guilt. He rarely got angry, but when angered, Virgil would not rest, especially when it concerned me.
“Nobody—”
“Dante,” he growled. “Do you expect me to believe you just cut yourself up with your own blade to the point of nearly bleeding to death on accident?”
“I just… uh… you know, ran into some bears…” I cursed myself for not making the lie less stupidly obvious. Stupid, stupid, stupid!
“Look into my eyes and say that again, Dante.”
I could not do it. A bead of sweat dripped down my brow. In fact, I was sweating bullets. Virgil’s gaze penetrated into my very marrow. There was a long silence. He gave a sigh and then sat closer. I couldn’t help but cringe. He leaned over and replaced the cloth on my forehead with a new one.
! “Fine, I’ll let this go for now. It’ll be bad if your fever gets worse.” Before I could finish sighing in relief, he added, “Don’t think I’ll forget.”
“I know,” I managed to wheeze quietly. “I know.” I closed my eyes and slept deeply.
“We’ll have to wait until your wounds have fully healed before we strike up the trail once more,” Virgil was saying to me.
“Sure, okay,” I said. Virgil frowned and turned to look at me. I chanced a glance at him and quickly looked away again. His eyes narrowed.
“That’s not like you,” Virgil said suspiciously. “You usually complain a lot more.”
“Yeah, well, even I get tired sometimes,” I said as casually as possible. I didn’t want to talk about this. Our one lead had vanished. The trail was cold. I had a feeling that Antonio would have been moved by now. It occurred to me that if they had found him already, the blood trails might lead them here. They probably would have come after us both, sooner or later.
“We still have a lead, though,” Virgil was saying. “It should be fine if we wait for a few days more.” I could not stay silent any longer. I had to say it.
“No.”
“No?” he repeated with a raised eyebrow. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“We… don’t have one anymore. I… killed our only lead, and now we could be in danger.”
I forced myself to look Virgil in the eye. His brow creased in that customary way.
“Explain,” he said slowly.
“Virgil, it’s… Antonio.”
“Antonio? What has he got to do wi—” Virgil suddenly stopped speaking. His face went completely blank. He stared off into space, mouth working silently. At long last he gazed at me with sorrowful eyes. “He’s …the one? Then did you…”
“Yes,” I whispered. “I had no choice. He’s gone.” In the silence that followed, I knew without looking into his steely eyes that neither of us would ever cease fighting until the day when Antonio’s soul, and mine, could be at peace.
Part 2 (in which…. nothing really, we were just told it had to be first person, which is basically what I always do anyway)

! I had started to learn the way of the sword from an early age. It started out with just wooden sticks, but that wasn’t enough. I had a gift for it, I suppose. I think other children my age didn’t like me too much. I don’t like losing. I relied heavily on brute strength and speed. Nobody could keep up, and I was always itching for a duel worthy of my skills. Things started going downhill when the injuries I inflicted went from being scrapes and bruises to gashes and broken bones because I just didn’t know how to hold back. I wasn’t trying to hurt anyone. However, that didn’t stop the rumors and hateful glances. I was vilified as a demon, and nobody dared approach me after a time. Parents threatened me, and they encouraged their kids to throw stones in order to keep me at a distance. I wound up in a bad state once. Those cowards… I may have been a bit too reckless. No matter what sort of “natural gift” of which I was possessed, against a large number of opponents, I wouldn’t be able to hold out forever.
! I don’t regret anything. Those scum deserved the injuries they got as a result of trying to kill me. As I said before, I wasn’t trying to harm people, really. Nobody believed that, of course. I got myself nearly massacred over some animals. Bears are killing machines, if you decide to provoke them. Naturally, this is precisely what a group of kids decided to do. I just got finished with some training in the middle of a secluded clearing. I made my way to the stream to quench my thirst. I heard a sound just then. It was a sort of yowling noise, like something was in pain. I followed the source and saw a group of the kids who had formerly sparred against me before adults intervened. They all carried sticks in their hands. I ran forward and then realized that there was something on the ground, a mass of dark fur.
! “Hey!” I shouted. “What are you doing?!” They turned and tried to seem like they weren’t absolutely terrified. I could see more clearly; there was a baby bear crying and bleeding. My eyes narrowed at the sight of blood dripping from the sticks they each held. “Just what the hell is going on?” I said coldly. “Do you idiots have any compassion?!”
“S-Shut up!” one of them stuttered. “We’re just having some fun! You know these bears are monsters that kill humans for no reason! It’s what they deserve!”
“Fun?” I whispered, my voice barely audible with anger.
“It’s a demon, just like you!”
“Y-Yeah, that’s right!” others chimed in.
“Cowards in numbers think they’re tough, huh? I’ll never forgive you!” I raised my eyes from the bloody bear cub that whimpered on the ground and struck out like a viper. “The only monsters here… are you maggots!” I shouted. They scattered like leaves. I drove them back from the cub. It seemed like things were going to end in my favor, but cowards fight dirty. Whilst effectively breaking bones, I heard one of them behind me yell, “Stop right there!” I turned and saw a boy holding up the cub. “D-Don’t even think about moving!” he called out. “I’m going to gouge out one of this beast’s eyes!” A ringing seemed to fill my ears. A muscle twitched in my face. “You..!” I stepped forward but stopped in my tracks when he pressed the stick up against its face.
! “I mean it!” he warned. “Drop your weapon!” I stood panting heavily, glaring at him. After what seemed like an eternity, I dropped my weapon. “Get him!” the would-be leader shouted at the others. “You’d better not even think of fighting back or else!” I kept my gaze fixed upon him the entire time. At this point they started to pummel me. My hard eyes never lost their anger, though. Meanwhile the cub kept crying. Needless to say, it wasn’t thanks to these weaklings’ punches and blows that almost killed me. As I lay getting kicked on the ground, a mighty roar resounded. Birds fled the tree tops in alarm. The boys stopped, and chills of fear coursed through them. They dropped their sticks and ran, leaving me where I lay. I knew that this was very bad, indeed. If I was found here, I wouldn’t stand a chance. I dragged myself towards the bear cub and gazed into its eyes. My lips formed soundlessly. I half-rose to my feet with the support of my wooden sword, but it was far too late. The mother bear was like a house, only deadly. She picked up the cub, and swiftly carried it to safety.
! I didn’t run. I stood and faced it. I was weary, and got smashed by a great paw that was impossibly fast. It charged, and I closed my eyes, accepting death. A terrible roar shook my broken bones, and yet no blow fell, no fangs tore into me. I cracked open an eye. A man had his back to me. He held the bear at bay armed only with what appeared to be a staff. This was the last thing I saw before slipping into the blackness of oblivion.
part 3 (in which I can't use "I" or "me" more than twice… god I dropped the ball on this one. Must fix later.)

! On the pebbly shores near a godforsaken little village in the middle of nowhere, a man who possessed an unbelievable spirit stood staring into the face of danger. His back radiated an aura of conviction and an untamable disposition. He was courageous and noble. One glance, just one fleeting glimpse, was enough to strike the chords of awe deep inside another. That back was covered by a weather-beaten cloak, which rustled in the wind. Time really did stand still back then. Even the vicious growling lulled. The river, the trees, all seemed to hold their breath.
! Then the silence was broken. His voice was not very deep. Rather, it was gentle yet grizzled from experience. It was a voice that commanded respect.
“Hey, now,” he said casually. “Why are you going after this kid? You’ll have to pardon the intrusion, but it’s just not fair, you know? Who could stand by and watch you carry on? You’ve protected what you came to protect. Now get out of here, and look after your cub. If it’s a battle of strength between the two of us, you’re the one that’s going to lose. Go on, get going.” The bear had ceased growling, and after a pause, it stepped back and dropped heavily to all fours, turned towards the forest, gave a non-threatening parting growl, and bounded off quickly to where the cub was still sitting in some secret nook. Right from the beginning of what was surely a fated encounter, both bear and kid knew that he was a dangerous man to cross. By now, the darkness overshadowed everything. No, not quite! Burning bright as fire in the darkness, there remained an image of a man.
! For who knows how long, darkness persisted. Swirling blackness and misty red danced. Restless, indistinct dreams burned and burned the skin. The agony became a persistent aching that seemed to pierce everything. Yet in due course, that aching pain was accompanied by a soothing, cool touch. A sweet scent wafted from someplace that did not exist. The blackness slowly became a shade of grey, and then finally a cool blue that seemed to ease the burning. Gentle caresses warmed the skin and bones, and they gave reassurance. This would not be the first time. It was always the same, even years later. Not changing was perfectly alright. Well, okay, it was only alright for one of us. Wounds would cripple and destroy the body. More than once, Death reached out a hand eagerly to claim a prized soul. Each and every one of those times, that man refused to let it happen. He stepped between Death as though he were an angel, a savior. Naturally, he insisted that this notion wasn’t true.
! He kept urging caution with many an exasperated shake of the head or a sigh as he inspected a particularly nasty gash or what have you. On the plus side, he took his mastery of medical treatment to a whole new level once he found himself the caretaker of a wild little “demon” whom he had saved. He tried to get the point across that he was not a miracle worker and that a good deal of troublesome messes could have been avoided with a healthy bit of caution. That was the one thing he would lecture about ceaselessly. It was pretty damn scary sometimes. Rushing in headfirst went against the grain of his nature, so of course he was exasperated. But come on; life’s no fun like that. Being cautious would be such a pain in itself. Perhaps the confidence was partially owed to having someone to depend on when the situation got too ugly. Maybe it didn’t affect the rampant recklessness which seemed to run in my blood. One thing I do know, the bottom line, is that, without him, there would be no tale to tell, for there would have been nobody else around to save the life of one little punk kid out in the wilderness.

…. god, if I ever keep up with this story (:sad:), I need to go back and do some massive reworking. It's like all of my stuff starts out somewhat interesting and then either ends blandly or has bland stuck somewhere in between like a bland sandwich. Plus since they're school assignments, they'll be less likely to wind up making sense when strung together. But I do like these characters. I want to continue writing about them.

[Greasy Pickles]

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[Jazzy Jinx]

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[piratemarimo]

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[ChesCa]

Aaaaand finally yours.
I love all three, but the second half of the last one confused me.
In order: The first story was a really good In Media Res, a good spot where you can go back and forth between past and future as far as the plot goes. You pretty much set up a tragedy surrounding Antonio, Lisa, Dante and Virgil. All that's left is to make it.
The second story needs some brushing up. It's okay but it needs more flavorful language from how the 'demon' would describe things. Also dialogue could use some brushing up.
The last one…..maybe I'll read it again later, but I kind of got lost. All I know is some possibly mystical old man saved him/her, then disappeared, then...took the demon kid in?
I still love that whimsy you have. Keep it up.
EDIT: Oooooh, now I get it. It was still from the demon kid's POV, even though she was supposed to have blacked out. The part where you lost me is when she started regaining conscienceness right in the middle of the narrative. Change the second part so that s/he's losing focus, then have her finally black out midway through the third story. You can even make the old man's power be seen as part of her delirium (just to mess with the reader).
Also, sorry if the gender was mentioned and I missed it. I assumed the demon was female, but then again it could be Dante.

[piratemarimo]

@Cuddles:

Aaaaand finally yours.
I love all three, but the second half of the last one confused me.
In order: The first story was a really good In Media Res, a good spot where you can go back and forth between past and future as far as the plot goes. You pretty much set up a tragedy surrounding Antonio, Lisa, Dante and Virgil. All that's left is to make it.
The second story needs some brushing up. It's okay but it needs more flavorful language from how the 'demon' would describe things. Also dialogue could use some brushing up.
The last one…..maybe I'll read it again later, but I kind of got lost. All I know is some possibly mystical old man saved him/her, then disappeared, then...took the demon kid in?
I still love that whimsy you have. Keep it up.
EDIT: Oooooh, now I get it. It was still from the demon kid's POV, even though she was supposed to have blacked out. The part where you lost me is when she started regaining conscienceness right in the middle of the narrative. Change the second part so that s/he's losing focus, then have her finally black out midway through the third story. You can even make the old man's power be seen as part of her delirium (just to mess with the reader).
Also, sorry if the gender was mentioned and I missed it. I assumed the demon was female, but then again it could be Dante.

Yeah the second one really feels unnatural, even as I wrote it. The dialogue is gonna need some expansion. I definitely wanted to get more colorful with the language, but I'm not entirely certain if my teacher is going to disapprove of excessive swearing. Which is funny because I've written Dante as being the kind of person who would swear a lot. I have to be sure not to overdo it. I think it's more of a watered-down version of what I wanted to write.

I figured this would get confusing. When I eventually revise this, I'll need to bridge the gaps. Even though I wrote the second one as having the kid pass out just as the man arrives, the third one can be seen as a more expanded explanation of what occurred and the kid stays conscious for about a minute more. Here's the basic storyline thus far:
Dante is severely wounded from fight with Antonio –> loses consciousness --> flashback to when Dante is a kid (so yes, it was Dante) --> wakes up later, back to the present, Dante reflects a little about his relationship with Virgil. I do apologize for the confusion. I meant to have the flashback be part of Dante's dreams when he loses consciousness after the fight with Antonio but due to the limits on my assignment I left out some details and it doesn't go in order. I also think I need to fix the first one. Due to the specific requirements, I had to quickly advance the plot to get to the reveal at the end, but in reality Virgil would first be concerned and wouldn't pressure Dante just as soon as he wakes up like that.

Another note that's interesting to me is that you thought initially that the "demon" kid is female. Is there anything in particular that made you think this way? I've noticed that people often mistake my characters for female when they aren't supposed to be, and I'm wondering if it's a certain way I write or what. Even I forget this. When I wrote Pink Elephant Christmas, I completely forgot that I had "planned" to make the character female even though she would be very tomboyish. While the Christmas story doesn't have any gender specific details, I was visualizing a boy not a girl.

[ChesCa]

That does help explain things.

As for why I thought Dante was female, well, I dunno. It might just be the language. Also, whenever there's something 'gender neutral' I think I assume the character is the same sex as the author. Could also be the way you write and I just don't know it yet.

[piratemarimo]

It has just occurred to me that I never posted the fourth installment of my Dante/Virgil story.

Part 4 (uhh…. I think the prompt for this piece was that a story is told primarily through physical movement/action, almost like a play. Which really isn't that difficult since I have that unfortunate (<--??) tendency to write like that all the time anyway.

! “Stay in bed,” Virgil was saying. “You need rest. I’m going to go gather more supplies. I shouldn’t be gone too long.” With that, Virgil stood and made his way to the cave entrance. Dante lay watching his companion’s retreating back. Once he was out of sight, Dante waited a full minute, listening for signs of Virgil’s return. Determining the coast was clear, he struggled to sit upright on his bedroll, blankets sliding down his bandaged chest. He grunted in pain as his stomach gave sharp twinges. He nearly sank back down, cursing under his breath. “Okay, you can do this,” he said out loud, taking some deep breaths, and finally managing to lean forward.
! He glanced at the crackling fire which had begun to die out. It would probably take Virgil more time than he let on to get medicine and fuel. His gaze shifted to his friend’s untouched bedding. He scowled. “Virgil’s overreacting again, geez,” he sighed, scratching the back of his skull, also bandaged. “Would it kill him to look after himself for a change? Not as if I’m dying or nothing…” Then remembering his original purpose, he looked up and around at the brown rock walls for his wrapped blade. He scanned the place several times. He frowned. Carefully arching his torso and twisting, he looked behind at the foot of wall behind his pillow, but no luck.
! “Crap, where is it?” he muttered. “It’s got to be here. I had it in my hand even when…” It dawned on Dante, but he stubbornly kept searching. It wasn’t at the foot of his bed like it normally might have been. “Dammit! Virgil would probably,” he grimaced. He tossed back the blankets completely and slowly, carefully, swung his legs out in front of him. “Okay, this should be no problem. Just….” Dante focused and drew his stiff legs up. He repeated the motion a few times. “It’d be fantastic if I had something for leverage.” Cautiously, Dante put out a hand, leaning on it. Some mild twinges ran up his arm. “Okay, okay, I just have to be quick about it.” Nodding to himself with resolve, he took some more deep breaths and rocked a little on the balls of his feet. He quickly lurched forward and attempted to stand upright in the same fluid movement. It worked in principle, except that he had to take a heavy step forward in order to try and keep his balance, owing to the way his knees buckled under the sudden heavy weight that it was not yet ready to support.
! Dante hardly had time to cry before he found himself pitching forward flat on his face. All the oxygen forcefully left his lungs and blood spurted from his chest and mouth. This was also accompanied by a rather unpleasant sort of crunching. He didn’t have strength to swear properly. Violent coughing left him convulsing helplessly. When it had subsided somewhat, he slowly twisted his head to the side and spat out more blood. “Ugh… so much for that…Virgil is… probably going… to kill me for this. I think… that was a rib that just… uh… hmm, yeah.” Knowing it would be futile to try and move, Dante quietly continued to lie where he had fallen. Yet all the while, one eye continued to rove slowly, searching for his treasure.
! At long last there were footsteps. Dante braced for the storm by quickly shutting his eyes to feign unconsciousness. The sharp inhalation of breath, the clatter of something heavy being dropped, hurried footsteps and a voice calling his name, mixed with both worry and anger.
! “Dante! You never listen to a word I say, you moron…” Virgil growled as he carefully turned his patient on his side.
“… Virgil…” Dante whispered in spite of himself. “I…”
“No, shut up,” he interrupted. “Treatment comes first. You’d better hope I don’t kill you after I’m done. Oh, and I did take the blade, for your information. Searching for it was pointless.”
stupid formatting issues…. every single time. I don't think I'll be posting that last writing prompt (to subvert a stereotype/story cliche) because I subverted a stereotype with another stereotype and I'll probably offend some Brits or something if they read it IDK.

–
Also, here's a second part to the Dream Dimensions story.

! “Hey look, Sai! Look!” Mariel said eagerly. “It’s a fox!”
Saiya turned around. “What? Where?”
“Over there! I saw it! Come on!!” She scampered off, only slightly impeded by virtue of the fact that this particular section of grassland grew taller than she was.
“Mari, wait up!” Saiya called out. She hoisted up her backpack full of snacks and her sketchpad and hurried after Mariel. Once they cleared the tall grass, a few feet of short grass circled around the great forest. Just inside the outer trees, Mariel had slowed to a walk, glancing around uncertainly.
“Mari! Don’t just run off without warning. We promised not to wander too far.”
“It’s no big deal!” she said with a grin. “Your mom is a super-awesome wildlife ranger, so if we get lost, she’ll find us!!” Saiya couldn’t help but grin with pride.
“Yup! My mom can find anything!! I just don’t want us to get separated is all.”
“Okay, but I really did see a fox. Where did he go?”
“How’s this? We’ll go a bit farther, and if we can’t find him, we’ll turn back.”
“Roger that, Sai,” she said.
! Although the forest was quite old, the big, strong trees let in friendly beams of sunlight.
“Ohh! Squirrels! Look, a bunny!” Mariel said, pointing at every little thing that moved. Then she gasped, and this time Saiya saw it too: a flash of orange and a bushy tail. They took off after the elusive creature.
“W-Wait, Mr. Fox!” Mariel said. She was starting to huff and puff from all the running. A glint of something fell as the fox leapt into the bushes and disappeared. She skidded to a halt, crestfallen that the fox had gotten away. She looked at the ground with a pout and then blinked. Saiya caught up as Mariel began crawling around on her hands and knees with her nose practically touching the ground.
“Mari? What are you doing?” Saiya said in confusion. “What about the fox?”
“He… got away,” she said, disappointment muffled by the grass. “I thought I saw something, though—Oh!” As she was speaking, her hand fell on something warm. With a small noise of surprise, she held up the small object. It was a key glinting golden in the light. It had a simple design of a cloud and a smiling sun.
“It… feels warm! Sai, feel this!” She grabbed her friend’s hand and placed it on top of the key.
“Wha—wow, it’s really warm! It’s even glowing too! I think.”
“Glowing?” Mariel said with a gasp. “Sai, this must be a magic key!!”
! The two girls stood there in silent awe. Then a thought occurred to Mariel.
“Hey, wait, Mr. Fox dropped this! Maybe it’s the key to his house!”
“You’re right! It’s got to be pretty important. But how will we get it back to him?”
“He disappeared into the bushes. Maybe he’s still close.”
“It’s getting a bit late, though. What if we came back here tomorrow?”
“Alright!”
! They headed home, talking excitedly about their discovery. As they trekked back, a keening howl of a fox echoed out into the dusk. The girls had no idea at that moment just how much their lives would change because they had picked up the golden key. The girls decided to keep the key a secret. They had a sleepover at Saiya’s place and lay nestled in their sleeping bag cocoons admiring the gentle glowing. That night they both dreamed of wonderful things.
! Hello, hello! Welcome to the Dream Dimensions. Did you know? Nothing is impossible if you can dream it. Would you care to have something to drink? It’s been awhile since I have seen your kind. Two of them, no less. Two little ones… Oh, that is just lovely. Did you invite them, silly fox? That’s not like you. Or perhaps this was fate. Would you like coffee? Oh, that’s right, little ones do not drink strong stuff. Then juice perhaps? Fairies produce nectar that is particularly sweet this time of year. Are you new? Then have some. It’s my finest batch.
Ahhh! No, no, no! This wasn’t supposed to happen! How could I have been so careless?! Stop giving them beverages! They don’t belong!
You shouldn’t be saying such things, foxy. It’s not polite. They’re such sweet little things. They mean no harm. Retrieve the key if you must, but do it carefully. No magic, no fire—
No. No, I won’t. I won’t go back to that again. I’ve caused too much suffering. My fire, my inferno, was sealed away a long time ago. You would know; you helped me do it.
You know what I think, “Mr. Fox”? Guide these two children.
What on earth are you talking about!?
Guide them. You brought this on yourself by losing that key. You know full well that they will find this place anyway. It’s inevitable. They won’t be in immediate danger, but you must be a guardian. Make it enjoyable.
How much have you seen?
Will you do it?
Grr… fine, old man. I shall do as you wish, but only because I am in your debt.
Look at those two playing about, “Mr. Fox.” They’re so innocent are they not?
If you keep calling me that, I’ll bite your nose off, old man.
No you won’t. Surely you can appreciate it? You love frolicking around in the flowers. That’s the same face you used to make as a kit. Sometimes you still make that face when you think nobody is watching. The girl with the black hair particularly loves the talking animals.
But this is just a dream!! It’s all just… lies.
My old friend, by now you should know that dreams are as real as the sun and the stars.
! Saiya and Mariel woke up bright and early the next day. The key was still glowing.
“Sai! Guess what? I had a really cool dream last night! You were in it!”
“Hey, same here!”
“There was this nice guy in a beard!”
“Yeah!”
“Mr. Fox was there and he was doing this weird dance or something because the old guy was giving us juice! There were loads of fairies and stuff.”
“Whoa, me too. That’s… a pretty funny coincidence.”
“The animals could talk, too!”
“Mari, you don’t think…. Maybe this key gave us the same dream?” Sai said, with her brow furrowed in thought.
“Like I said, it’s magic!” Mariel said with a huge grin.
“Come on, let’s hurry and eat breakfast so we can explore more.”
! This time they got both of their backpacks and crammed them with as much snacks as it was humanly possible, and then some. Saiya always brought her sketchpad and various coloring tools, and of course chocolate. Mariel always had an animal encyclopedia, other books, and a mix of different snacks, but candy was primarily Saiya’s division of expertise. Their moms stood watching them run off.
! “Sometimes I worry about them,” Mariel’s mom said with a sigh.
“You’ve got nothing to worry about, honey. My Sai-Sai is a strong girl. She’ll always be there to look after little Mari. They’ve got something special.”
! They went into the forest and found their way back to roughly where the fox had disappeared, and then they carefully, or Mariel’s case, somewhat clumsily, clambered over the bushes and continued on.
! “Mr. Fox! Mr. Fox!” Mariel said loudly. “You dropped your magic key! Where are you?”
After a few minutes, there was a rustling, and a fox popped its head through the foliage.
“Mr. Fox! Yay!” Mariel said. Then the fox turned and leaped away. “Hey, wait!”
! They gave chase, and this time the fox didn’t seem to be running. Every so often his tail would flash, or he’d stand waiting for them to get close before dashing off. After some time they stumbled into a clearing. A giant oak tree stood in the middle of this clearing, and the girls stared up in wonder. Not even Saiya had seen such a big tree. The roots arched up out of the ground enough for them to walk underneath them. Ducking down, they peered into the semi-darkness, not seeing much. Hopping down they waited for their eyes to adjust. Before exploring, Saiya had the brilliant idea to leave a mark on the tree. She dug out a paintbrush and made a floral “X” on a root with glow-in-the-dark pink paint. They each placed a hand on the dirt wall, and Mariel clung with her other hand to Saiya.
! Surprisingly, the ground seemed to be spiraling down further into the ground. The key grew brighter and warmer the farther they went. Saiya suddenly felt her hand brush a smooth wooden surface as the ground leveled out. The key began to glow more brilliantly than ever. She brought the light closer and saw what might have been a door of some kind. She nudged Mariel and pointed to the simple engravings that seemed to match the key’s design. With great excitement they searched for a keyhole. Finding none, the girls placed their hands on the door and tried pushing.
Please… open this door… Please! I wish I could give Mr. Fox his key back…
Pure-hearted… It has been many a year… I shall grant your wishes.
! The door slowly opened. They had gotten about a couple steps in when the door shut. As they half-turned, the ground seemed to tilt. Both of them gave squeaks of surprise as they found themselves speeding down rapidly on their backs as though the ground were the smooth back of a snake that twisted and turned, going deeper and deeper. There was a pinprick of light, and then they shot out like corks and landed onto something… fluffy.
! “What is this?”
“Oooh, it’s like a cloud! I can bounce on it!”
! For the next several minutes, they contented themselves to giggling and bouncing on the strange substance. They tumbled off, and Mariel, on her back, saw slim black paws approaching, so she rolled over and sat up. It was indeed the fox who paused several feet away. Then the fox closed his eyes, blue smoke curled up to engulf him before making a popping noise. From the shadows of the miniature mushroom cloud, the fox’s form shifted, elongated, until he was standing upright. He wore a colorful tailcoat and a silly top hat set at a jaunty angle. He reached up with a paw to take off the hat and bowed in an elegant albeit slightly stiff manner.
! “How do you do?” he said. “Welcome to the Dream Dimensions.”
Mariel and Saiya’s eyes sparkled with awe.
“Wow!! That’s so cool!” Mariel said, running forward. Mr. Fox!”
He looked down with a hint of annoyance but kept his muzzle shut and forced a smile. This wasn’t going to be easy. The great tree spirit had allowed them entrance, but he still refused to believe it.
! “Is this yours?” Mariel said, holding up the key. “You dropped it. You didn’t get locked out of your house did you?”
“Are you sure you should be giving a key to a complete stranger?” he said coolly.
“It’s… it’s not your key?” Mariel asked in confusion.
“Listen, kiddo. It’s sweet of you and all, but you’re naïve. First off—”
“What’s that mean?”
“What?”
“Na… Naïve?”
“Uh… I… It’s… Just never mind that! Look kid, this is a really powerful magic key! Don’t just wave it around in the air! You don’t even know me! A-Anyway, aren’t you scared?!”
Mariel stared up at him. Saiya was frowning slightly at his weird behavior.
“How come I should be scared?”
The fox knelt down so that he was more or less eye-level and growled.
“I’m… a fox! A talking fox no less! I’m dangerous, okay?!” Then he bared his teeth.
Her eyes had gotten round, and Saiya tensed up. Mariel stared into his golden eyes. Slowly she started to reach up with a hand. Something flickered in the fox’s eyes. Surprise. The warmth of the girl’s small hand on his muzzle almost made him jerk away. She smiled innocently up at him. His mouth gaped open. This wasn’t what he’d expected at all.
“Your fur is so soft!! You’re funny!” A small part of the fox deep down gave a twinge.
“Hmph. Kids these days… I guess I can be your guardian, but only for a short while.”

I cannot believe people compared this story to Miyazaki. wtf.

[Sai-chan]

WOW! I love this! I can totally see how this was compared to Miyazaki, I'm reminded of it as well. It's like a beautiful, innocent mixture Harry Potter (Philosopher's Stone), Alice in Wonderland, Spirited Away, and My Neighbor Totoro. And I'm not just saying that because I'm a character. xD I don't even know where the plot is going, but I love it all the same. It's magical, and I just want to see more. This is the kind of book I'd love to read, honestly. Magic, friendship, innocence, beauty… I just--I love it all.

And I love Kitsune Mr. Fox and his personality. I always love the snarky characters, and him being the guardian of (fictional) you and me… I foresee shenanigans.
And Dream Dumbledore the old man. I'm really interested in this guy. I really just want to read more, and know more, and I'm totally fascinated by this!

hka;ghka;ghka;hg;ahkgah
I just wanna read moooreeee
you don't even know how much I'm interested in this
k;gaj
I can practically see the story in my head! And it looks like a Miyazaki movie. It makes me wanna draw it<3
Amazing job Mari! No words describe the amount of love I feel for this story

[ChesCa]

I have…nothing to add.

Honestly (and I mean this in a good way), your Saiya/Mari story is one that I don't really want to criticize because it's more fun that way.

The Dante Virgil one on the other hand is a bit short for me to say anything other than maybe some technical errors I'm too lazy to scour for (I find consistency and character stuff much easier to spot and critique).

Can't wait for the next part.

[piratemarimo]

Heeey, so remember that "working title" story? Neither do I. I kicked my ass with just barely enough energy to get this done, and I have now written a second installment. If you're a judge for the biweekly, you might want to go back and read it because it's a direct continuation from where I left off.

! There was a pause. The young man blinked and then said, “Yeah, I am.” Then upon noticing the way the raven narrowed its eyes, he said, “What are you giving me that look for, bird?”
“Fenrir couldn’t possibly be related to an upstart like you.”
“Hey! Stop doubting me!”
“Fenrir is a noble being with great strength and wisdom. His cunning is unmatched by any–”
“Yeah yeah, okay. I’ve heard that speech a thousand times. Everyone is always fawning over how amazing my dad is, and I believe me, I’ve heard it all.”
“How dare you!” the raven said. “Are you insulting the mighty Fenrir?! Perhaps I really should curse you. Maybe then you’ll learn proper respect.”
“Hey, I can talk about the old man however I want.”
“Fenrir… an ‘old man’? You are the most arrogant being I have ever laid eyes--” the raven suddenly stopped speaking. In its anger it had not fully understood what the human had said. However, that fact was just starting to sink in now. There was now an uncomfortable sort of silence, and the raven was so silent and unmoving for so long that the young man shifted awkwardly and opened his mouth to ask if the raven was perhaps dead or petrified. Then the raven gave a hoarse croak.
! “What did… you say?” the raven whispered faintly.
“I… um... which part? I don’t...”
“Fenrir.”
“Yeah, what about him?”
“Did you… call him...”
“Oh. That.”
“…Your father?”
“Oh, yeah. Fenrir’s my dad. I wish you’d pay more attention you know. Well to be fair, I guess you’re not the first one to react like that, but geez. There was this one time, this half-orc didn’t believe me, and I was getting pretty mad, but then dad showed up in person because of business reasons, and man oh man. You should have seen the look on the guy’s face. Dad was in full wolf form, eyes glowing and everything. We had a good laugh about that incident for awhile after the fact. He didn’t even realize what he was interrupting, but I went riding off with him and waving cheerily at the fellow.”
! “You’re… you must be lying,” the raven said.
“Look, I know you and I haven’t exactly been getting along from the start, but I’m not lying about this. Why would I do that anyway? For that matter I don’t see why anyone would because it’s not that big of a deal. This crest is real, and it’s all the proof you should need. Come on…”
“Fenrir’s never mentioned he had a son!!”
“Really? Damn. Anyway, what are you, his confidante? Even if he didn’t mention me, it’s not like he has to tell you everything.”
“I’ll have you know we’re close friends!! Fenrir and I go way back, more than a thousand of your lifetimes.”
“Oh! You’re a friend of my dad? Neat. I’m not sure he’s mentioned you, though. Maybe that makes us even, huh?”
“Don’t compare us!”
The human scratched his head. “You know… for a thousands-of-years-old raven, one of the wisest of all creatures, you really seem a bit oversensitive.”
The raven merely glared at him, feathers puffed out in irritation and disbelief.
“Well, I’d really love to keep chatting, but since you don’t seem willing to believe me, I’ll be on my way. See you later, bird. Unless you always sit here. I mean, don’t you ever just fly around? Why sit on a boring old rock all day if you can fly? You know?”
! The human stepped around the rock and started making his way towards the other side of the clearing where the path lay. He began to hum a little tune to himself as he went. He had disappeared into the foliage, and still the raven hadn’t moved. The trees were currently rustling with a great deal of excitement, having overheard the whole thing. None of the branches tried to obstruct the man’s path like they would have at the start. The raven sat, and his feathers had somewhat flattened again. He was frowning hard to himself, the words of the strange human echoing about in his brain.
! ‘Fenrir’s my dad.’ That human? Of all things… to lie, the audacity... My lord, Fenrir... is it possible that you have kept this secret from me all these centuries? But why... why a human child? Why that kid? It can’t be... it’s a trick, surely.
‘I mean, don’t you ever just fly around? Why sit on a boring old rock all day if you can fly?’ What kind of human is he? What exactly…
! He turned and gazed at the place where the man had disappeared. He gave a start, upon remembering a part of their earlier conversation. He sat in contemplation for another minute, and then resolving himself, he hopped to the edge of the stone. He flapped his wings once, twice, and then, with a flurry of feathers, he hovered a few feet in the air, and then he flew off into the woods. For a couple minutes there was only the rustling of trees, and then he heard it. The sound of humming. He picked up speed and soon glimpsed the man ahead of him.
! “Wait!” he called out.
“Hm?” The human had turned around and then stopped walking. When the bird had just about flown level with him, he resumed walking and smiled. “Well hello again, bird brain. When I said ‘see you later,’ I wasn’t expecting to see you again this quickly. Fancied another chat with me did you?”
“Don’t be stupid, boy. I would rather converse with a fire pixie than I would with someone as arrogant as you.”
“I think you like me. Don’t be shy to admit it.”
“Hmph. If there was no one left in the world but the two of us, I should live the rest of my life in complete silence.”
“Hey now, that’s such a depressing thought. You know, the world’s pretty gloomy enough as is. Lighten up a little! Besides, it’d get boring unless I talked to someone, even if it’s you.”
! “Listen, what you said before….”
“What?”
“I don’t know what you’re plotting, but I can’t let you out of my sight.”
“Why?”
“You’re claiming to be Fenrir’s son, and you’ve come all this way from who knows where, all to find the Wizard of Argentine. It’s dangerous to let you go.”
“So… you want to travel with me?”
“Don’t be ridiculous! How many times must I repeat myself? I wouldn’t want to fly within five miles of you. I’m just going to make sure you don’t cause trouble.”
“Well if you say so. I’m telling you, though…I’m not plotting anything. Are all creatures in this forest as paranoid as you are?”
“One would have to be a fool to trust a human claiming to be Fenrir’s son.”
“You still won’t believe me, huh?” he sighed. “Well, maybe if we meet dad, I can prove it to you once and for all. Then we’ll see who looks like a fool.”
! The raven gazed at him and made no answer. He almost said something then, but something kept his beak shut. He didn’t know if it was a good idea to tell this stranger anything about Fenrir. It did not seem that he was aware of what had been going on, and there was no way of predicting how he would react. It might be a good way to gauge how honest the boy was, but the raven was still unable to accept that the human was who he said he was. It was already plenty of a risk to openly announce his aims instead of trying to shadow him, but there was no turning back now. Whatever happened from here on out, the raven knew, was fate, which had brought these two together for a long, unforeseeable future.

[ChesCa]

This chapter was pretty good. Only comment is that, well….

You know how you can tell what's going on in a movie just by the audio but you still hate not seeing anything? You got the dialogue down but there should be more physical descriptions of what they're doing. Adding the 'image', so to speak.

[piratemarimo]

This is that piece I hastily wrote the night it was due which got terrible critiques (by which I mean people in my class are mostly idiots). Anyway the time limit is why the ending is so abrupt and weird, so I apologize in advance. I don't know what I'd have done with three additional pages given the time. not sure if I should simply add on to it or simply forget about it and revise the whole thing since I need 20 for another assignment. At Sai-chan's request, this excerpt is left exactly as I submitted it, but it's definitely getting edited quite a bit in the future. AND YES that title is unimaginative. ORZ

Wings

! “What’s wrong with your wings?”
The girl looked up from the ground and found herself looking into the big curious eyes of a teenager whose eyebrows furrowed slightly. His messy hair fluffed up rather like a bird’s might. Is he a cockatoo? She’d been walking along absentmindedly counting the cracks in the sidewalk, and even though someone had called out, “Wait!” she had assumed it was for someone else. Nobody could possibly want to talk to her. From behind she heard the sound of running and several hasty apologies. Then the slap of sandals; she saw briefly that they were brown sandals before they skidded and spun to plant themselves right in her path.
! “What are you talking about?” she said with a slight scowl.
“Your, um, wings?” he said, gesturing behind her vaguely. He took a breath and gave what he hoped was a winning smile. “Are they okay? I mean you ought to, well, not that I’m telling you how to live your life, but that looks painful, unless it’s just a really, really clever fashion statement. Did you do that, or did someone else, because I might be able to look into—”
“I don’t have wings.”
He stopped talking. He stared at her with wide eyes. “But—”
! “Look, I don’t know if this is your idea of a joke, but it’s not particularly funny, alright? I’m going to go to school, and I’d appreciate it if you moved.” He opened his mouth, but then changed his mind. He glanced down. To her chagrin, he didn’t give up and move like she had briefly hoped. Instead he slowly lifted his head and stuck his lower lip out and tilted his head. Oh my god, is he trying to give me puppy eyes? Seriously?
! She stared at him in his lime-green polo shirt with its two silly, dark blue stripes running across the front, sleeves and collar matching, plain blue jeans and all. She didn’t fully know why, but his bright shirt and goofy brown sandals made her want to push him into the nearest bushes. She was unimpressed by whatever it was he was trying to accomplish. He scrunched up his face more as if in great concentration. After half a minute of his weird pouting, she inched slowly around him, unnerved by the way he pivoted to follow her movement yet did nothing else as she started to back away and then turn and go as fast as possible without actually running.
! “Okay cool!” he called after her, half-lifting his arm up to wave. “I’ll see you around!”
“Not likely, weirdo,” she muttered under her breath. She resisted the urge to look back, though she could feel his gaze on her back.Clink! Clink! The boy’s smile vanished. For as she turned to go, he caught a glimpse of something he had hoped not to see. His hair flattened back as though by a breeze of wind.
! When she thought she was far enough away from him, she sped up and ran all the way to school, arriving to class out of breath.
“Hey Sam,” her friend said. “Whoa, what’s up with you?”
“Nothing much,” she replied, dropping her backpack down with a loud thud. “I’ve just got a bad headache.”
“Hmm, you always seem to have headaches. Maybe you should try taking it easy.”
“I can’t take it easy… not with all this stupid homework piling up on me all the time.” Sam started to say more but yawned a few times instead. She rubbed her eyes and started to stare off into space, shoulders hunched over. Her friend thought it best not to say anything more on the matter.
! For the rest of class, Sam ignored the teacher’s lecture, opting instead to stare out the window and scowl. My head freaking hurts. This is all because of that weird guy. What’s his problem anyway? What was that bullshit about wings, anyway? Sam irritably rubbed her aching shoulders. She already wished she could go home. The ticking of the clock at the front of the room seemed to echo loudly in her ears. Before long it drove her mad, like always. It was even worse when she looked around the room and nobody else was distracted by it, as though she were the only one who could hear how loud it was. Sometimes she wondered why she didn’t just get up and walk out the door. Who was going to stop her? ‘Denmark’s a prison’ huh? Yeah, no kidding there, Hamlet. This whole damn school is Denmark. God, this is all so stupid. I just want to go home and sleep. At least maybe my headache might go away.
! Sam tapped her foot silently against the floor while trying her best to massage her shoulders without drawing too much attention to herself. The only somewhat good thing about class was that the teacher never seemed to call on her for anything. She barely pretended to take notes. When at last the class ended, she exhaled and stood up. As she stretched and happened to glance out of the window, she flinched.
The campus had neat strips of grass and hedges. It also so happened that there was a little forest adjacent to the main building. The shrubbery there was more unkempt, but it wasn’t the shrubbery that caught her attention. Even from this distance, she had a clear view to the clumps of bushes. Ignoring her friend she hurried out of the room.
! When she got outside, she stomped on over to the bushes where a highly noticeable tuft of brown was sticking up from behind them. Scowling she grabbed hold of it and mercilessly yanked up.
! “Ow, ow, ow, ow!”
“I knew it was you!” Sam hissed at him. “What the hell are you doing?!”
“Hey, hey, go easy on the hair!” he said with his hands out in protest. She merely tightened her grip and shook him a little.
“What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you stalking me?”
“No, no! Nothing like that, I swear. I’m sorry!”
! “Well, then what is it?!”
“Can I invite you to lunch by chance?” he wheezed, a few tears welling up by now.
Her anger faded momentarily. Whatever she’d been expecting, it wasn’t that. She still didn’t let go of his hair.
“Why would I do that?”
! “I-It’s not like a date or anything weird, I just need to talk to you. W-Would coffee be more appropriate? I should have said ‘coffee,’ shouldn’t I? My friend Karak always said you never want to lead with that, I mean not that I’m leading anything, certainly not you, but I mean coffee is nicer, isn’t it? Or are you more of a smoothie person? I think you could be. I know I am. Actually I don’t even like coffee, so I’m hoping you’re a smoothie person. If not, I’m sure there’s something. Geez, why did I suggest coffee? Sounds silly, eh? I mean why offer something if I don’t even like it myself, aha ha.”
! Sam wasn’t sure how to respond. He evidently took it as a bad sign, so he cleared his throat and said, “Uh, sorry, I should have introduced myself. My name’s Teddy.” He forced a smile through his obvious discomfort and looked at her expectantly.
! “Sam.”
“Oh, Sam, that’s a lovely name. Sam, do you think, maybe, you could let go of my hair? I always take really good care of it, and I think you’re damaging the roots— ouch.” Sam had suddenly let go. Teddy nearly fell back into the bushes. He straightened up and shook his head. He carefully reached up and began to gently comb through his hair. He repeated the motions a few times, seeming to have forgotten her existence.
! “There, that’s better,” Teddy said after a few moments. Sam couldn’t help staring at the way his hair seemed to fluff up naturally. She could have sworn his hair was moving on its own, but that was impossible. It was just the breeze. Teddy smiled at her, although she noticed he couldn’t stop reaching up with a curled finger to attempt straightening it out.
! “Oh, uh, I know you still have class. Once your math class is over, would you like to join me somewhere? You can pick where. I can wait.”
“Right,” Sam said slowly. “Okay, I’ll think about it. See you.” She turned away and called over her shoulder, “Just don’t lurk in the bushes, idiot.”
“Roger that! I actually prefer trees, as a matter of fact. They’re more comfortable!”
! Sam almost said something back but decided it was probably a waste of breath, and she headed off to class on the second floor. Halfway through class, she suddenly sat up a little and thought, Wait, how did he know I have math class? I never told him that! I wonder if meeting with him is a good idea. He’s a little strange, but maybe he’s not as crazy as he seems. I mean, he seemed pretty earnest.
! It was at this particular moment that she happened to look out the window again. It was fortunate that class had just ended, due to an unscheduled teacher conference, because she leapt up furiously. There were a number of trees that loomed up above the others, and in one of them she could see Teddy hanging upside down on a branch. He waved cheerfully.
! “That idiot!” Sam muttered. “Maybe he’s not crazy? I take that back! He’s nuts!” She nearly fell down the flight of stairs in her haste. She ran out to the line of trees where he was still hanging upside down. “What the hell is the matter with you?!” Sam called out. “Get down from there! What if you fall?”
“Aw, I won’t fall! I’m great at trees.”
“You’ve got five seconds to get your butt down here, or I’m definitely not going to talk with you.”
! “Alright, alright, I’m coming!” Teddy said hastily, and he unhooked his feet, and then let go of the branch. Sam’s eyes widened in alarm, but just as he was about to slam into the ground, he seemed for a moment to slow down, and he floated gently before touching grass. He grinned and trotted over to her.
“Okay! Ready to go?” he asked.
Sam recovered and promptly smacked him on the back of the head.
“Ouch! What was that for?”
“You really are crazy!” Sam yelled. “You could have broken your legs! Don’t surprise me like that, idiot!”
“But I’m fine!”
! “That’s just— I mean, how did you do that? You should have broken your legs.”
Teddy blinked at her. “Are you saying you wish my legs had been broken?”
! “No, of course not, but that wasn’t natural. What you did was inhuman.” Sam crossed her arms and scowled.
Teddy’s gaze softened. “Inhuman?” He scratched his jaw with a finger. “People have told me as much. Well, they’re not wrong, I suppose.” He bowed his head. “I apologize for alarming you, Sam. I forgot myself. I know I’m not supposed to act like this when I’m around hu—most people. It was rude of me. I won’t do it again, I promise.”
Sam continued to frown. His stutter hadn’t escaped her attention. She tapped her foot, and then sighed. “You and I are going to have a conversation about this over lunch. I know a decent place.”
Teddy straightened up. “Really?! That’s great!”
! Sam walked with him a couple blocks to a diner that served hamburgers and shakes. After they had settled at a table near the back, Sam looked him over once again. There were so many questions she wanted to ask. Sam sipped from her glass of soda while she considered how best to proceed.
“So,” Sam said at last. “First of all I want to know what the hell happened back there. Don’t try to hide it from me. You actually floated somehow. Are you a magician?”
! Teddy smiled. “No, not exactly. Hmm, where to start… I don’t think you’re going to like my answer, though. It deals with the intangible aspects of this world. Judging by the way you’ve been reacting, I suppose you don’t see things the way I do. But then again most people don’t either. Actually, it was reckless of me to reveal what I can do when anyone could have witnessed it. In my experience people generally fear what they can’t see…”
“Would you stop beating around the bush?”
“Ah, sorry. Long story short, there are otherworldly dimensions at work here, and I’m able to see the extraplanar aspects of, well, just about anything.”
Sam raised an eyebrow. “You really expect me to believe that?”
Teddy smiled brightly. “No.”
! “You still haven’t bothered to try and explain how you were able to float.”
“First, look at that man sitting at the bar. What do you see?”
Sam glanced over. “That guy with the grey beard?”
“Mm.”
“Well, he looks like a trucker, and he’s got torn clothes, big muddy boots… a faded hat.”
“Yeah, that’s what you see, and technically you’re correct. You know what I can see? That guy has bull horns and tail. I suspect his boots are big so that he can make room for his hoof feet.”
! “You do see the problem here, right?” Sam said impatiently. “You’re already aware I can’t see that at all. You could be making it up. I need hard proof.”
Teddy sighed. “I guess I can do something, even in this public place. But first let’s talk about you. I know we’ve been skirting that topic, but it’s actually the reason why I noticed you. It’s very troubling to me.”
“What are you, a psychic now?” Sam said.
“Well… yes, actually I am a bit of one.” Ted chuckled. “How did your math class go?”
“Why don’t you tell me, Mr. Psychic,” she fired back.
“Oh, but that’s easy,” Teddy said. “It was awful, just like English class. You do love it, in fact it’s one of the few things you do like, but it feels so exhausting. You’re troubled, Sam. That is why we’re both here. This is why I want to help you, but let’s eat first. I’m famished. Hello, Clara!” He waved at the blond who had served them their drinks earlier.
! “What can I get for you two?” Clara got her notepad ready as Teddy stared in great concentration at the menu. At least he seemed to do so before he suddenly flipped the menu down on the table dramatically.
“Yes, I would like… a pineapple.”
“I beg your pardon?”
“Actually make it two pineapples. Sliced, please, but bring the whole pineapple.”
“You want… a whole pineapple?”
“Yes, I’m very fond of pineapples. It’s full of delicious flavor, and it’s good for your immune system. Oh, also eyes. It’s good for your eyes. Good eyesight is important! It helps me see cool stuff, if you know what I mean,” Teddy said, waggling his eyebrows at her. Clara just exchanged a look with Sam as if expecting her to have the answers, but Sam gave a slight shake of the head and made a face.
! “Uh, well, I’m sorry, but we don’t serve pineapples here.”
“What?! No pineapples? That’s crazy! How can you not serve pineapples?!”
“We do have pineapple, but…”
“Well, then what’s the problem?” Teddy cried.
“I can’t just give you a pineapple. It’s not a menu item.”
“Oh man, but why limit yourself to what’s listed on a laminated piece of paper?” Teddy said waving the menu. Sam kicked him under the table. “Ow!”
“He’ll have the pineapple smoothie,” Sam said with a smile. “It’s good that you added that fruit smoothie selection, huh?”
“Okay,” Clara said slowly. “What will you have, miss?”
“I’ll have a cheeseburger, no lettuce, no mayo, and a slice of cheddar cheese.”
“Will that be all?” Clara said, pretending not to see Sam kicking the strange kid under the table or the pained expression on his face with each kick. “It’ll be out in just a bit,” she said, gathering up the menus and walking away quickly.
! “Teddy!” Sam folded her arms. “You have to stop doing this shit. It’s driving me absolutely nuts! Who the fuck orders a goddamn pineapple at a burger diner? Wait, that’s not even the point. Knock it off.”
“But don’t you like delicious flavor?”
“What the hell does this even have to do with that crap you were spouting earlier?”
“I just thought it’d be nice to have lunch before we got down to serious talk. I don’t really like that sort of thing.”
“You have one minute to start liking it, or I’m out of here.”
“Okay, I get it. Listen, you’ve got a dark cloud hanging over you. I don’t mean a metaphorical dark cloud; I mean you actually have one. Well, it’s not technically a cloud, in all fairness to clouds. It’s more like a shadowy sort of mass but not really pitch-black. Even I can barely see it. I’m guessing it has to do with your wings. Listen, I know you have no reason to trust me. But you have to believe me now. I saw a marking. If that’s what I think it is, you’re in some kind of danger, and I need you to let me help you. It’s what I do.”
! Sam pressed her lips together and said, “You know, if you really wanted me to buy the nonsense about dimensions and invisible shit, if it was me, I wouldn’t try to convince someone after acting like a freak. It was nice talking to you, but I really should go.” Sam started to slide out of the booth.
! “Your headaches have gotten worse, haven’t they?” Sam paused. Teddy tilted his head to one side. “Hmm, trapped in a struggle to make it through each second, isn’t that right? Feeling a bit weighed down are we? You sense it, don’t you? Most people would attribute that sensation as just a normal side effect of being tired or unhappy. Well, I suppose that isn’t untrue, but it depends on circumstance. I do know some people who had a different set of symptoms entirely. The bottom line is that it’s not just your imagination. You cannot see what plagues you, but you know I’m right. You’re currently trying to deny everything fantastical on a subconscious level. I would argue it’s not really all that fantastical, but then I suppose I have seen things for a long time now. Although in all honesty your problem looks more serious. I don’t mean to alarm you. I’m surprised because one doesn’t usually come across high-caliber binding spells. Usually the most powerful type of binding magic is an imprisonment spell, which confines an entity to a certain area. If it’s done right, the seals hold together indefinitely. What you have is more of a subduing spell since you’re generally able to move freely on this particular plane. If you allow me to examine the magical properties surrounding your person, I’m sure I will find the locks. And if there is a lock, then must also be a key. Would you like to find the key?”
! Sam slowly sat back down. “What exactly are you proposing?” The playful sparkle in Teddy’s eyes has vanished. Clink! Clink! Teddy ignored her question. He was staring intently behind her. Frowning, he moved his lips silently. Sam suddenly felt a chill. She’d been kicking this guy around without thinking about it, but unease crept over her unbidden. He said he wanted to help, but he could very well be lying about everything. What if there was something else he wanted?
“What are you really after?”
“I’m not after anything, Sam. I can help you, but you have to let me. I know a guy, too. I think I mentioned him to you earlier. His name’s Karak. He’s pretty smart. When I need extra help solving cases, he gives me backup.”
“Cases? I thought… I didn’t realize you had a job. What are you, a detective? A cop?”
! “Aha ha, mmm, maybe that’s not the right word. I don’t solve crime. I’m not talking about that kind of case. Of course, sometimes it does involve criminals, but it’s not really something the police would thank me for doing. I actually prefer to keep my work low key. Clients don’t exactly flock to me. Granted, you find more cases when you travel. I’ve settled here for a little while, and it hasn’t really been very interesting for the most part. It’s always minor stuff. I noticed strange energy patterns in this city awhile back. We’re talking years ago. Then suddenly traces of it vanished. I’m not sure what happened, so I figured why not stay here for a bit and look for clues about the cause. I’ve been slipping in and out of the city, though. After all, when work calls me, I have to leave. Maybe that’s why I never noticed you until now. Your, uh, problem is very weird because even though I’m sitting right across from you, it’s hard to sense anything at all. Someone’s used a type of concealment charm on those chains.”
! “Is this really the place to be talking about this?” Sam said, glancing around.
“Oh, nobody is listening to us. I checked for that already. See?” Teddy said proudly flourishing with a hand. Sam looked at his empty palm. She squinted and leaned forward making a loud, “Hmm,” noise.
Teddy didn’t seem to have picked up on her sarcasm. He had the stupidest grin of pride.
“How many times are we going to go over this shit?” Sam snapped in spite of herself. “What are you holding? If you’re even actually holding anything.”
! “But I thought you’d at least be able to see this fellow! He’s low-level stuff! It doesn’t take a great deal of sight. Did you know cats are able to see these guys? Non-human animals have varying levels of vision. Cats don’t just have crazy night vision. They can also see three planes at once! Neat, huh?”
“Are you saying I’m stupider than a freaking cat?” Sam muttered. Teddy blushed and hastily waved his free hand back and forth. “Oh no, dear Sam, that’s not what I meant! I’m sorry if I’ve upset you. Really, I am! You shouldn’t feel bad if you can’t see much. Here, I can give you goggles to make this easier. I know I put a pair somewhere…” Teddy trailed off as he began to pat his pockets. “Fizzer, no, god, do I still have this? Oh dear, it’s spoiled hasn’t it? Karak is not going to like that. He’s always telling me to clean out my pockets. But you never know what’s going to come in handy, right? Oh, that’s a mouse bomb.”
! Upon seeing the color drain from Sam’s face, he quickly added, “No, it’s not dangerous. I mean, it’s not dangerous to humans or generally anything on this plane. Besides these babies don’t go off until they’re programmed to detonate, and this one is still deactivated. It was actually funny because I was working this case, and this guy says to me, ‘Hey, have I got a deal for you!’ and so of course I had to hear him out. Karak is no fun ‘cause he tried to drag me away. Said I didn’t need any more crap. What a spoilsport! Do me a favor and don’t tell him I still have these, okay? He told me to get rid of them. Like, can you believe he really thought I was going to accidentally set ‘em off while they’re still in my pockets? Please, Karak, that’s what amateurs do! As if I would ever! Sure, there was that one time at the Firefly Festival right in the middle of the ceremony, but come on, it’s not like he’s never used defective merchandise before! He was only mad because his eyebrows got singed off. They didn’t grow back for a few weeks.”
! “You’re not really reassuring!” Sam hissed. “Put… whatever it is away, and if I get third degree burns, I’m suing you!”
“Sam, come on, third degree burns? I mean, at most you’d get a first degree burn, if that. More like… one fourth degree burn. At most it’s a half degree. I guarantee that nothing bad will happen to you.”
“Too late for that, seeing as I’ve met you,” Sam said without thinking. As the words escaped her lips, Sam couldn’t help feel a sting of guilt. Teddy became still. He glanced down at the table. That really wasn’t necessary, was it? I’m definitely being rude. Sam, you should watch what you say. This guy still seems shifty, but if you make him mad, maybe he really will set off a bomb. I should apologize, anyway.
“I’m sorry, that was a bit much,” Sam managed to say. “Okay, so just don’t give me that sad puppy look. Alright?”
! “I really do mean it,” Ted whispered. “I want to keep you safe if I can.”
“Why do that for some you’ve only just met?”
“I told you I solve cases. It’s part of my job to care for people. I don’t know if I would have been able to solve half these cases if I didn’t. But even though I’ve been doing this for years, people make mistakes. I make mistakes. I haven’t always been the best. I mean, that’s not to say I am the best at anything, but I don’t always get it right. You know there are cases that don’t get solved, too. And there are… complications when things don’t go as one would hope. Even though I help clients, they get mad sometimes because I don’t do things the way they expect me to, and then sometimes the price is too great.”
“Price? You mean like money? You charge your clients? Well I guess that makes sense though if it’s your job…”
Teddy looked up at Sam and shook his head. He opened his mouth, but he was interrupted by the sound of approaching footsteps. The two of them glanced up as Clara arrived with their food.
! “One cheddar burger, no mayo, no lettuce,” Clara said, sliding the platter in front of Sam. She paused and said with extra politeness, “And two pineapple smoothies, which I can only hope is to your liking. Enjoy it.”
“I will!” Ted said. “Thanks Clara. Now are you sure that you used 100% of—”
“Yes,” Clara said. “That is the entire pineapple.” Before he could say anything more, Clara turned on her heel and swiftly walked away, her high heels clicking loudly on the worn wooden floorboards.
“Teddy, what is the deal with you and pineapples? Do you do this at every restaurant you go to? How do you function?”
“But pineapples are full of so much delicious flavor!” Ted barely got the words out before he was slurping away at the slush drink in front of him. “Mm, mm,” Teddy grinned. “Mmph, mm! Mm—”
“Why don’t you finish that smoothie before trying to talk?”
“Mm!”
! “Geez, I’m starting to wonder if you live off of anything else. It’s all you ever talk about at any rate.”
Sam turned her attention to the burger in front of her. Why do they always put this many pickles on the plate? Who eats this many pickles in a burger? Sam thought. She glanced at Teddy who had his eyes closed blissfully. Whoa, that glass is half empty! Sam thought. What in the hell is he? She was about halfway done with her burger when Teddy reached the bottom of his first glass. Sam’s eye twitched as he began slurping loudly on the dregs of pineapple. Glancing out of the corner of her eye, Sam realized everyone else in the diner was turning around to stare. Whispers and giggles rippled through the diner, and a few people got up to leave, shooting dirty looks their way. Sam sighed. She was beginning to realize that there was probably nowhere on earth she could go with Teddy in public where he wouldn’t draw attention to himself. The real mystery here is how I never noticed him before. A strange guy like this ought to stand out like the fourth Indiana Jones movie. God, that was a terrible movie.
I wonder if Teddy likes pickles. Maybe he’d stop with the damn slurping at least!
! “Ahem! Uh ,Teddy?” Sam said tentatively. The slurping continued. “TEDDY!” Sam raised her voice, balled up a napkin, and threw it at his head. She missed, but it was enough to get his attention.
“Mwah?”
“Teddy. Put down the glass please.”
“Bwa—”
“Put down the glass. Now.”
Teddy pulled his nose out of the glass, slowly set it down on the table and slid it forward.
“Clean your face, Teddy.” Sam yanked out of a sheaf of napkins and chucked them in his direction. Startled, Teddy frantically tried to grab all of the napkins. In his haste to grab the napkins, however, he cracked his knuckles on the edge of the table as he lifted his hand. Half-swearing under his breath, he still attempted to snatch all of them as they fluttered everywhere like a maelstrom. He leaned and caught one that fell off the table. He scrubbed at his face.
“That’s a bit better,” Sam said, surveying the mountain of used napkins. “I guess.”
“Sam, I—”
“You like pickles, Teddy?”
“Eh?”
“I said, do you like pickles?”
“I’m not really sure. Isn’t it salty? I don’t like salty foods in large quantities. Karak said they’re not good for us, either. I never bothered to try one.”
“Well, now I don’t know what to do with these pickles. They always give me too much.”
! “I see you’re done with your food. Would you like to leave? I want to show you to Karak. He’ll probably be thrilled to meet you.”
“I don’t know if I want to meet him just yet, but I would like to leave this restaurant. You have been embarrassing since you walked in here. I don’t mean to be rude, but do you ever actually go out in public and behave normally?”
“Of course I do!” At this, Sam raised an eyebrow. “Oi, I know what you’re thinking! How can a guy like me walk around in public? I can totally be a ninja!”
“Let’s just take a walk somewhere as far away from the public eye as soon as possible. People are going to think I’m crazy too.”
Some minutes later after Teddy had paid the bill with his oddly blue-stained cash, the two of them wandered down the sidewalk in the direction of a park. Sam ran her hands through her short black hair. Although she couldn’t explain it, being with Teddy made her feel as though someone was watching her.
“So Teddy, what was that you mentioned earlier about clients paying a price?”
! “Ah, that. It’s true that I make a living off of my cases, but it’s not exactly like I get paid with money. Heck, sometimes I don’t get any payment. I tend to work for free. People giving me stuff for services rendered is usually their own choice. Some of the trickier cases require payment in advance, but that’s not the same as being given currency.”
“Wait, then how’d you pay for the bill at the restaurant?”
“I may have borrowed from Karak’s wallet when he wasn’t looking.”
“What?! You stole your own friend’s money?”
“Hey, hey, hey, ‘stole’ is such a strong word. I like to think of it as unwitting donations of money for a friend in need.”
“Huh. If that’s the case, then you won’t mind, surely, if I just tell your friend.”
“I’ll buy you a pineapple!”
“Oookay. Forget it for now. About my case… Are you… I mean, will I have to… pay?”
“I’m perfectly willing to work for free. In your case it shouldn’t cost anything. If I may be honest I don’t know quite what we’re working with here. It’s going to be hell though.”
! “Fine. Then I’ll commission you to solve my case.” Sam smiled at him. “If you mess up, I’m going to kick your ass.”

[ChesCa]

I think you should trim quite a bit of the dialogue, especially any part that can be saved for later (like him getting too much into his job.) Also for the more comedic parts where he's rambling it's good to have some visuals to break up his sentences. A good example would be him searching and finding strange things in his pockets as he talks about the mouse bomb.