Kingdom Hearts, the worst game ever.
Warning: Review contains use of expletives. Continuing reading means that you can't whine about how I offended you.
I load up the game expecting it be o.k. I mean I've loved pretty much any Square rpg I had played to the point. What's gonna make this game different? Then I realized who I got to play as, and what the game was about.
Great, I get some prepubescent moron with spiked up hair. This has happened before, and it's worked out perfectly I thought. Unfortunately I was about to learn how wrong I was. This whiny emo kid gets to fight the main enemy, the heartless. Now these constantly respawning shadow creatures might seem cool on paper but unfortunately they aren't. They're like gremlins but much, much lamer. What does the kid protagonist get to deal with these horribly designed heartless things? Why a giant sword that is so freaking cool of course. Ohh, my bad he gets a fucking key. Great, I get a key to fight off these hoardes? BUT PLOT TWIST! It's a magic key, which means it can magically have the power to kill off these randomly spawned sad excuses for enemies.
Oh course I got to start out in my town. Sorry, replace "town" with "island that has a few huts." To make all this interesting we get to see some randomly placed Final Fantasy characters that add NOTHING to the story. Then again there's one person you meet on the island that adds anything to story. That is the ohh so sweet love interest. Who looks five years old. Great, if all works out, Sora's gonna be a pedophile within six years.
So, I progress a bit further in the game, and realize who my party is going to consist of. Donald and Goofy. Who get to play the wizard and warrior respectively. That's where the game stops going downhill, and drops straight to the base of said hill. But the game doesn't stop there, it keeps rolling down into a ditch and finally into the sewer. Since this game is real time action Donald and Goofy get to be controlled by the dumbest AI ever. Hey Disney jackasses, stop wasting my fucking potions. Unfortunately they don't stop wasting my potions until I set their AI to different "battle ready" positions. Which doesn't make them suck any less.
Which leaves it up to Sora, the KEYBLADE MASTER to clean house by himself, which he does quite sadly. Pretty much, the only thing you need to know about Sora is that the X button makes him whack things, and that's about it. Sure, you can pretend that there's a whole battle menu ready to help you about, but that's just wishful thinking. If you do manage to figure out how to navigate it, you'll already be dead while trying to find a cure for yourself since the battle doesn't stop as you spend 30 minutes trying to find the health boost.
Out of battle the game doesn't get any better. Picture the crappiest platformer ever and then jam it into this game THROUGH THE ASS. You get to jump everywhere to find "special items" but you'll soon get tired of this after falling for the thousandth time during the main quest. If you have any sanity left at this point you should just say "Fuck it," and stop the horrible jumping game.
The worlds. Ohh the great (note: sarcasm) Disney worlds. Furthering the "story" by placing you in what seem to be side quests held together by the fact that you have a key and you gotta stick it in the key hole (I hope I'm not the only one who sees the homosexual overtones in that) to unlock more worlds. Extremely repetitive.
How do you make it from world to world? Surely Disney and Square have combined their vast intelligence (note: even more sarcasm) to come up with an ingenius method of travel. Sadly, we get the Gummi Ship. That's right, a ship made out of Gummi's… Now you travel in this ship through the worst shooter EVER. Imagine N64 graphics...now imagine what they would be as N16 graphics and you'll get where I'm coming from. Blasting your way with no skill whatsoever through this tedious "mini-game" (that takes up half of the blasted game) is not fun in the least.
"The characters!" some rave, "They're so cool!" Wrong. They completely BASTARDIZED the Final Fantasy characters. Explaining where they came from puts a Final Fantasy fan's mind at ease. The heartless completely destroyed Final Fantasy Land (note to Square: Make it a real theme park and you can whore yourselves out for even more money you sick fucks). What? You mean the combined forces of the biggest badasses from all the Final Fantasies got their asses kicked by some fucking shadows that get raped by a key? Excuse me while I kill myself. If that's not bad enough they completely degrade all the Final Fantasy characters. Cid Highwind, where's your attitude? Ohh that's right, you're too busy working on fixing Gummi ships, my bad. Cloud, what are you doing? Whoring yourself out to a Disney character? Great job, keep it up. Squall, ready to kick some ass? Damn, you're busy being angsty and mysterious. Any gamer who considers themselves a fan of Final Fantasy knows you're not some Leon prick. You're fooling nobody!
The sound? Will that save this monstrosity? No, unfortunately it doesn't. The theme song which is some J-pop crap is annoying as hell. The world's "themes" are just rehashed from Disney movies. Voice-overs? The VO's? So suddenly Lance Bass is the best pick for Sephiroth? Lance Bass from N-Fucking-Sync? NO!
In short the game sucks. Feel free to disagree with me though. I'm sure you can think of some aspect that saves this Titanic. (Hah, wishful thinking!)