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Kingdom Hearts, the worst game ever.

Warning: Review contains use of expletives. Continuing reading means that you can't whine about how I offended you.

I load up the game expecting it be o.k. I mean I've loved pretty much any Square rpg I had played to the point. What's gonna make this game different? Then I realized who I got to play as, and what the game was about.

Great, I get some prepubescent moron with spiked up hair. This has happened before, and it's worked out perfectly I thought. Unfortunately I was about to learn how wrong I was. This whiny emo kid gets to fight the main enemy, the heartless. Now these constantly respawning shadow creatures might seem cool on paper but unfortunately they aren't. They're like gremlins but much, much lamer. What does the kid protagonist get to deal with these horribly designed heartless things? Why a giant sword that is so freaking cool of course. Ohh, my bad he gets a fucking key. Great, I get a key to fight off these hoardes? BUT PLOT TWIST! It's a magic key, which means it can magically have the power to kill off these randomly spawned sad excuses for enemies.

Oh course I got to start out in my town. Sorry, replace "town" with "island that has a few huts." To make all this interesting we get to see some randomly placed Final Fantasy characters that add NOTHING to the story. Then again there's one person you meet on the island that adds anything to story. That is the ohh so sweet love interest. Who looks five years old. Great, if all works out, Sora's gonna be a pedophile within six years.

So, I progress a bit further in the game, and realize who my party is going to consist of. Donald and Goofy. Who get to play the wizard and warrior respectively. That's where the game stops going downhill, and drops straight to the base of said hill. But the game doesn't stop there, it keeps rolling down into a ditch and finally into the sewer. Since this game is real time action Donald and Goofy get to be controlled by the dumbest AI ever. Hey Disney jackasses, stop wasting my fucking potions. Unfortunately they don't stop wasting my potions until I set their AI to different "battle ready" positions. Which doesn't make them suck any less.

Which leaves it up to Sora, the KEYBLADE MASTER to clean house by himself, which he does quite sadly. Pretty much, the only thing you need to know about Sora is that the X button makes him whack things, and that's about it. Sure, you can pretend that there's a whole battle menu ready to help you about, but that's just wishful thinking. If you do manage to figure out how to navigate it, you'll already be dead while trying to find a cure for yourself since the battle doesn't stop as you spend 30 minutes trying to find the health boost.

Out of battle the game doesn't get any better. Picture the crappiest platformer ever and then jam it into this game THROUGH THE ASS. You get to jump everywhere to find "special items" but you'll soon get tired of this after falling for the thousandth time during the main quest. If you have any sanity left at this point you should just say "Fuck it," and stop the horrible jumping game.

The worlds. Ohh the great (note: sarcasm) Disney worlds. Furthering the "story" by placing you in what seem to be side quests held together by the fact that you have a key and you gotta stick it in the key hole (I hope I'm not the only one who sees the homosexual overtones in that) to unlock more worlds. Extremely repetitive.

How do you make it from world to world? Surely Disney and Square have combined their vast intelligence (note: even more sarcasm) to come up with an ingenius method of travel. Sadly, we get the Gummi Ship. That's right, a ship made out of Gummi's… Now you travel in this ship through the worst shooter EVER. Imagine N64 graphics...now imagine what they would be as N16 graphics and you'll get where I'm coming from. Blasting your way with no skill whatsoever through this tedious "mini-game" (that takes up half of the blasted game) is not fun in the least.

"The characters!" some rave, "They're so cool!" Wrong. They completely BASTARDIZED the Final Fantasy characters. Explaining where they came from puts a Final Fantasy fan's mind at ease. The heartless completely destroyed Final Fantasy Land (note to Square: Make it a real theme park and you can whore yourselves out for even more money you sick fucks). What? You mean the combined forces of the biggest badasses from all the Final Fantasies got their asses kicked by some fucking shadows that get raped by a key? Excuse me while I kill myself. If that's not bad enough they completely degrade all the Final Fantasy characters. Cid Highwind, where's your attitude? Ohh that's right, you're too busy working on fixing Gummi ships, my bad. Cloud, what are you doing? Whoring yourself out to a Disney character? Great job, keep it up. Squall, ready to kick some ass? Damn, you're busy being angsty and mysterious. Any gamer who considers themselves a fan of Final Fantasy knows you're not some Leon prick. You're fooling nobody!

The sound? Will that save this monstrosity? No, unfortunately it doesn't. The theme song which is some J-pop crap is annoying as hell. The world's "themes" are just rehashed from Disney movies. Voice-overs? The VO's? So suddenly Lance Bass is the best pick for Sephiroth? Lance Bass from N-Fucking-Sync? NO!

In short the game sucks. Feel free to disagree with me though. I'm sure you can think of some aspect that saves this Titanic. (Hah, wishful thinking!)

GoAnderson

2.) [No] trolling, or otherwise destructive tendencies will not be tolerated, and repeated instances will result in the permanent removal of that person from the boards, and possibly the site.

Please, don't make a topic for the sole purpose of bashing something. Thank you.

The Dude

"Squall, ready to kick some ass? Damn, you're busy being angsty and mysterious. Any gamer who considers themselves a fan of Final Fantasy knows you're not some Leon prick. You're fooling nobody!"

NEWS FLASH: Squall IS angsty and mysterious. Plus, if you look in Squall's profile in the game, it SAYS his name is Squall and he purposely changed his name.

And Squall never EVER kicked ass. He was just a big ball of emo in a flight jacket. All he did was look cool. That's it.

BTW, I reopened the topic. Just renamed it. If he wants an argument, he can have one.

Greg

I'm sure you can think of some aspect that saves this Titanic. (Hah, wishful thinking!)

Well, um, I'm not sure if I can. I mean I'm just an average fan who thought it was a decent game worth my money, but based on units sold internationally I think there are a few thousand people who might be able to. But what do they know anyway? :unsure:

Are games good simply because people like them? Was The Matrix given great reviews since a lot of people bought it?

Squall was never angsty and mysterious. He was just a mute. There's a difference!

The Dude

I agree with you on one thing: Just because reviews are good, doesn't MAKE something good. It all matters on point of view. Case in point, the first Spider-Man movie. I really didn't like it very much at all. But maybe it's because I'm a nit-picky Spider-fan. But back to the topic at hand…

To say that Squall was never mysterious? That's not true at all. You don't find out anything about him til the whole madron thing. Which sucked in my opinion, as EVERYBODY essentially had the same past. Laziness on the character designer's part is my opinion. Or ANGSTY!? Most of the talking he did was whining. In fact, I could make a similar post about how Final Fantasy VIII is a mediocre RPG. Granted, it was pretty fun to play, aside from the lack of character development.

And Sephiroth never said ANYTHING aside from an attack name or two. Like it makes a difference who voices him.

Akira

Still made me kinda peeved that they got Lance Bass, out of all people to do Sephiroth's voice.. :huh:

taboo

Wow, I always thought Sora was a girl…. (but I've never played the game either ^^; )

Mr. Santoryu

Originally posted by Akira@Jun 7 2005, 08:42 PM
Still made me kinda peeved that they got Lance Bass, out of all people to do Sephiroth's voice.. :huh:
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Yeah, that was a bit of a letdown :mellow:

Syan Strife

Why does everyone throw a total fit over the fact that Lance Bass voiced Sephiroth? I would definitely bet if it was an unnamed person, exact same voice, it would get compliments. I think the Lance Bass voice fit very well. Think about it, Sephiroth was all about his mother and all he did was for her. He seems like the type to have a soft voice, Lance Bass gave him a soft, yet strong voice. His "Come Mother, let me take you to the Promised Land!" sounded absolutely great. With Sephiroth's messed up head he would likely sound like that. Hell, what do I care? I hate Sephiroth anyway. I hope Kuja and Seifer are a super bosses in KH2, there are your bad ass villains. Speaking of new people, bring in Rikku, too. Auron, feh, Rikku anyday.

As for the game itself, I loved it. You can hate it all you want, I enjoyed it a whole lot. Each character from FF fit very well, except maybe Cloud. Not sure what light he was searching for, Tifa? I mean Aeris wasn't hard to find. Squall seemed like he always was, quiet and serious. Yuffie acted basically the same. BTW, I'm a huge Yuffie fan and I din't whine over Christy Calson Ramano doing her voice, OMFG, the girl from Even Stevens is Yuffie! I liked it anyway. Cid was a pilot, he seems like the guy to build ships. He also wasn't WAY off in personality. He just didn't have anything to yell or swear at. Kingdom Hearts was basic simple gameplay, but all FF's are like that. It's a fun game with good story.

Oh, and there was no Final Fantasy Land. It was not destroyed. They were driven from their homeworld by Ansem and the Heartless. The Heartless can only be permanently killed by the Keyblade so how could they have stopped them. The Final Fantasy homeworld was Hollow Bastion if I remember correctly.

Cap'n Carter

Yeah, the OMG NSYNC DID SEPHIROTH'S VOICE!!!1 whining before the game was pretty lame. Sephiroth had a good voice in the game.

Maybe everyone is just pissed they got their asses kicked by Lance Bass..

And if you don't think Squall was a ball of angst, you must've been asleep the whole game.

Greg

Are games good simply because people like them? Was The Matrix given great reviews since a lot of people bought it?

Ma'am, you're talking about two different things, a review and whether people genuinely enjoy the experience.

'Are games good simply because people like them?'

Isn't that rhetorical? If many people like it, isn't it generally considered a 'good' game? I may not like Naruto a great deal but based on the pure fact that it sells like hot cakes and is enjoyed by countless fans, it certainly may be considered a good series.

I also may not like the teenie-bopper bands like Linkin Park (however you spell it) or Blink 182, but they sell a lot of material, have a lot of fans, and may certainly be considered 'good' bands regardless of my personal opinion.

Squall was never angsty and mysterious. He was just a mute. There's a difference!

You think so? In addition to being mute he was indeed a jerk most of the game. And as far as mysterious, you didn't consider his origin to be mysterious in the least?

I think you're digging too deep. This game isn't meant to be FF nor have any real relation to FF. For all purposes the game is a gigantic side-story.

Nyssane

The boss fight with Ursula makes this game the best game ever created.

kthx.

And I don't see why people go on about the FF characters used in the game. They're so minor anyway.

thelousy

NSYNC voice my beautiful KH? i didn't know that…maybe it juz because i wanna whoop his ass so bad in the game but keep getting whooped when he left 1 bar of health -_-" pls pls do not bash KH juz because you dun like it, simply juz say why it didn't meet up to your expectations. otherwise it would sound like its bashing and bashing is not tolerated here

Otaku no M

Well, I think it's perfectly OK for you to think so. I personally liked the game but it wasn't the best game in the world.

Kuja over Sephiroth? OMGZ YOU BLASPHEMER. :P Btw, yeah great. We have Auron to get his entire personality raped in KH2. I'm sure you all would love that. No more booze, just apple juice. At least that's my prediction, it could be grape juice.

So it was Hallow Bastion? Ok then, I might not have paid that close of attention to the "plot." I was too busy being pissed at the game for wasting my time.

I am sticking to my view that Squall is not angsty. Squall is calm and controlled. He follows his orders. He's not depressed. Squall is not angsty.

Why am I pissed off about my final fantasy characters getting screwed up? Simple, because the game would not have gotten any good reviews or sales without them. They were the main selling point of the game. No self-respecting gamer would have bought it without that feature.

If 1000 people think a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing. You can rave about how since 20,000 people love Pokemon Blue that it's a great game. If nobody bought Halo would it still have been a great game? Yes it would have.

Paulie

Halo's a great game? I missed that one.

ANYwho…

Yeah. Squall isn't agnsty, he IS angst. Like the physical manifestation of angst.

You know, they coulda thrown that into FF8. Would've made more sense and made it interesting, to boot.

And while I like Kuja, I don't think he's nearly as badass as Sephiroth. Still, I WOULD love to see him as a big villain. Hell, I'd love for them to be doing more with any of the FF characters. More FF, less Disney!

Except Mulan. Because, you know, Mulan was awesome.

terri

I've had this game for more than a year and I haven't been able to even finish it =T it just sits on my table and collects dust :P

http://www.answers.com/main/ntquery;jsessi…ngst&sbid=lc02b

Squall is not angst! FF8 was friggin awesome. O.O crazed fanboy look

The Dude

I have to disagree with you about the FF characters being the main selling point of the game. They were a nice bonus, but it was very nostalgic going through the various Disney worlds that I grew up watching. The Nightmare Before Christmas level is what really sold me.

I guess some people love Disney stuff then.

But the sales would be craptacular if Square-Enix did not step in. And I'm sure it would've sucked more (if that's possible).

The Dude

Well, we'll never know I guess. The sequel is shaping up to be darker and junk, so I'm anticipating it.

The only thing I hated about the first game was the gummi ship. Like Star Fox!! Only lame!! thumbs up

Solar Knight

The thing that I didn't like about the game was the Gummi ship parts. I fucking hated it.

It feels like a saddened minigame
So damn repetitive o_O !

I'll admit to being pissed when I heard who voiced Sephiroth (before I played the game). When I got to that part, I felt like a dumbass for being pissed at not even 5 lines.

Expect to see a Kingdumb Hearts 2 review by me. ^_^

Solar Knight

The thing I don't get is why yer gonna play the sequel if you hated the first one so much. If others like the game, let 'em and don't complain about it B) .

But you see, I have fun ranting about shitty games that people like.

You can be sheep all you want, just expect me to be there to challenge your opinions.

Ubiq

Originally posted by Estoy En Cargo@Jun 8 2005, 08:27 PM
Squall is not angst!
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I'm going to back up the assertion that he was angst personified.

One of the reasons I liked FF9 so much was that the main character wasn't a self-absorbed, angst-filled prick.

Not to mention the fact that, unlike FF8, there wasn't a point where I just set down my controller, said "Okay, this plot is stupid", and stopped playing. Forgot they all knew each other my ass.

That's right, the main character was some 7 year old kid with a tale that has the hots for Kuja, the most genderly challenged character of the gaming world ever.

FF8 was awesome. One of, if not the best Final Fantasy ever.

Himizujin_Eternia

I'm just gonna defend Kingdom Hearts, AND Disney while I'm at it.

First thing, I just want to make a semi-controversial statement. Compared to many other RPG series, Final Fantasy is sub-par. Wild Arms has much better dungeons, Tales and Xeno much better plot and gameplay, Chrono better just about everything, Seiken Densetsu, etc.

Therefore, while I looked forward to Kingdom Hearts, I was still a bit hesitant. After all, as interesting as a crossover sounded, it was Final Fantasy and Disney.

It turns out that Disney made everything better.

I don't know how many people have realized this, but Disney makes some rather… DARK movies for being so fluffy. Seriously, all the movies have some form of death in them (Heck, in Bambi and Lion King, they kill off the main character's parent) and tend to deal with multifaceted issues, be it responsibility or acceptance or some other thing.

So I shouldn't have been as suprised as I was to find that Kingdom Hearts has one of the darkest plots ever conceived by Square or Disney. The story deals with evil in the hearts of everyone. Among the main characters, there is separation, betrayal, and ultimately an unhappy ending where all three get separated and unable to reach each other at all.

And yet the story left me with only a smile on my face. I was left utterly satisfied, and also craving for KH2. Maybe it was the promise that even with darkness in everyone's heart, there was still some light. I'm hoping the next game resolves alot of plot, but even if it doesn't, I'll probably enjoy it.

And as for gameplay... sure, it's jam attack buttons. But that's what an action RPG is, and it was GOOD. It's one of my three favorite Action RPG battle systems (the others being Secret of Mana and Ys VI.) I never even had the camera issues most people seemed to complain about.

So, right now, KH2 is the only Square game I'm really looking forward to, especially after all their best talent left to form companies making much more interesting stuff (Monolithsoft and Mistwalker rock my socks.)

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AHAHAHAHA HE, you almost got me. I seriously thought you were serious when you hailed Disney movies as dark and deep. The Disney channel is the deepest pit of teen drama anyone could ever conceive. Who cares that the characters and the plot is designed for five year olds and who cares that the animation sucks the dick?! It's Disney. Really, Mickey Mouse must have fucked your mind if you think Disney is good.

You can rave about how dark it is, but in comparison to 99% of shit out there, it isn't. It's sugarcoated for little kids to fool them into thinking that Disney is good.

That statement was controversial. Quite. I loved the Final Fantasy series and I have tried other RPG's but something keeps me coming back to FF...balance. Xenosaga had a great plot but slow gameplay and bland dungeons. Final Fantasy 7 had a mediocore plot but exciting gameplay and great dungeons. I love both games but I have to give the nod to FF7. Final Fantasy games are not sub-par. They are top tier.

There wasn't a dark plot. OMG teh evil is in our hearts, liek cool. Final Fantasy 8 dealt with evil and conflicting emotions as well as loyalty and a host of other goodies within the first 20 minutes of the game. KH takes the entire game to make one statement?

The gameplay, nice to see that you left out the shitty jumping games. How did your character's AI perform? Quite well? How was the menu navigation? Quicker than you needed? Since when does jamming the X button make a game good...ever? It seems to succeed you had to break your fucking thumbs.

Monolithsoft has made good stuff, Xenosaga, but they've failed on projects such as Baten Kaitos. I do hope they make X3 good....

The Dude

In the first twenty minutes? During that point all you do is go to the cave where Ifrit is.

If you want a good Final Fantasy game, play IV or VI.

Cap'n Carter

Hey man, Disney's had a lot of awesome movies. Jungle Book, Robin Hood, Nightmare Before Christmas, Aladdin, the list goes on. It may be for kids, but really, a lot of the crap we like is marketed towards kids too.

I agree that KH's plot got annoying. I don't think I've ever heard the words "DARK" "SHADOW" "DOOR" "HEART" and "KEY" so much, it was frustrating. But hell, I usually managed to put that aside and have fun.

Syan Strife

Originally posted by Estoy En Cargo@Jun 8 2005, 06:27 PM
**That's right, the main character was some 7 year old kid with a tale that has the hots for Kuja, the most genderly challenged character of the gaming world ever.

FF8 was awesome. One of, if not the best Final Fantasy ever.
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Whoa, whoa, WHOA! Did you even play FFIX and pay attention?

Zidane was a bad ass thief who was known for being flirtatious and quick with the ladies. He then saved Princess Garnet and grew to love her, well he loved he at first sight like any beautiful woman. IX has one of the most captivating love stories of all RPGs. He in no way had "hots" for Kuja as you put it. First off, they were brothers. Second, the only time that they showed any feelings foreach other was when Kuja saved them from Necron and when Zidane saved Kufa from the Iifa Tree. If you want to see why Zidane's love story is the most compelling just read his line from his play. "No cloud, no squall shall hinder us!" That word choice did have a secondary meaning you know. Also, the love between them actually seemed human. With Dagger crying that she sees her love and pounding his chest for making her wait, but the love was still there. One of my favorite quotes of all, "I beseech thee, wondrous moonlight, grant me my only wish. Bring my beloved Dagger to me!

Kuja, gender confused? Sorry, but no. You may be jealous that Sephy could never pull off Kuja's outfit. He walked, talked, and acted like a true, hardcore badass. He was all about being proper, and making sure everything followed the guidelines of his "play". Garnet was his beautiful canary, and Zidane was his tested rival. Unlike others, Kuja feared Zidane becoming powerful, but was also intrigued by him, hence the constant testing of Zidane's strength. He was also a brilliant person, since he prefers to use magic and not sully himself with physical action, he has Zidane go to Oeilvert for him. He is cunning, he caused strife across the entire Mist Continent and then conned the Black Mages. He is powerful, Sephiroth wanted to greatly scar the Planet, but to do so he needed the Blac Materia "Meteor", Kuja destroyed a planet with his bare hands by achieving a higher level of trance. He then proceeded to create his own world of crystal. Kuja indeed cared about his father, Garland, worrying about him and protecting him. In his anger, he kicked him over the cliffside for saying that Zidane was superior. He wanted to show his father that he was the Angel of Death, but Garland said that he would die when the true Death's Angel surpassed him. Kuja had a time limit on life and choe to spend it as he wished. There are so many deep facets of Kuja's character that I could go on forever. Study up on the games before you speak against them.

And yes, Disney movies DO have dark plots in them. The television series do not, but the movies do. Fantasia had the appearance of the Devil. Bambi had death of a parent. Lion King put Hamlet to shame with its' story. Little Mermaid also had so many hidden meanings that I won't even begin listing them. The belief Ansem had of the essence of hearts being darkness showed how weak humanity is, but the true essence no matter how deep down is light. That is a great moral.

And as for Squall, one of his first lines when preparing for the SeeD test was "Who was that girl?" He just hit puberty like Seifer said. Angsty kid, I tell ya, Angsty.

thelousy

Dude…i'm serious getting annoyed at the way your trying to say KH destroyed your FF characters. In what ways did KH say the so called FF characters is related to the main storyline of FF. The FF characters are just used to show the integration of FF and Disney characters. And with a totally new personality for the FF characters. The story is not about them anyway! They are just supporting characters! A person can have many side to him/her. Do not just condemn a game just because it shows you another side of your FF heroes.

Syan Strife

Originally posted by thelousy@Jun 9 2005, 12:28 AM
A person can have many side to him/her. Do not just condemn a game just because it shows you another side of your FF heroes.
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You know, it could be an alternate version of each of the Final Fantasy characters. Kinda reminds me of the way that Tsubasa shows all of CLAMPs characters, but not in their original settings.

They are quite similar, but not truly the same person. Only their True Nature will remain the same. Hence, Cloud is a warrior that is confused and looking for his enemies and friends. With a calm persona. Yuffie is a goofball that loves to have fun (so that's why she isn't stealing, no reason to since Wutai doesn't exist for her). Cid is a plane-lover that is all business, bet he has a firey temper still. Aeris is very kind and caring. Squall is a warrior that is all business as well. And he is Angsty, it is even in his True Nature, there you go!