Kids.
Let me tell you the story of how I met the most outrageously terrible series finale ever. A series finale that made lumberjack Dexter look like it was the Six Feet Under finale. I could take nine years to tell you this story, but since I'm not that horrible, I'll condense it. A little.
It all started in the year 2010 when I started watching an acclaimed show starring a bunch of talented people like Neil Patrick harris, the guy from Apatow's stoner movies and Willow. I immediately fell in love with this show for its lovable characters, quirky storylines and continuity and its big romantic heart. Also it was really funny, even though it was on CBS. I got my friends hooked too and soon enough we had a bunch of episodes we always watched when we were stoned. We even had a GET PSYCHED mix when we were not stoned.
But over the years things got rough. You see, kids, some shows get kind of bad when they go on for too long. And this show was no exception. So by the time I was fully caught up, things had already gotten bumpy. But they kept bringing me back in with things like lesbian Rachel Bilson. Which is HOT. As the show kept going on, they started dragging out this annoying plot with two characters that I shall refer to as "Rachel" and "Joey", for the sake of SPOILERS. You see Rachel and Joey were going to get married. Even though it didn't make much sense. But the writers decided what the hell, let's spend FOUR seasons on working up to these two tying the knot. And over the course of these four seasons things basically turned to shit. But there were still some gems in there. Still some episodes that reminded me of the GET PSYCHED mix days. So I watched as "Ross" kept pining for Rachel, and Rachel kept forgiving Joey for being gross as fuck, hoping that things would get better.
Kids, I have to tell you about this show called 24. It was a show that covered a day every season and every episode was an hour. And every hour Jack Bauer would torture someone to save the president. But that's a story for another day. Anyway, the writers of this show thought they could do a (sort of) realtime show too. You see Rachel and Joey were FINALLY getting married, but their wedding weekend was going to take an entire season, so we could see every miserable second of the build-up to a wedding we didn't care about that had already been built up for 3 seasons. also, the writers decided to show very little of Ross' final conquest, this wonderful character they just introduced and was the axis on which this show turned, because fuck it. Joey has a comedic antic to perform, while "Monica" and "Chandler" have to fight and make up every other episode. Also Chandler wasn't in half the season because he gave up a couple seasons ago as well.
Anyway, a large portion of the final season was spent on Ross getting over Rachel. ENTIRE episodes were spent on it. But this paved the way for Ross to finally forget about her and meet someone good and be happy. So in the penultimate episode Rachel and Joey got hitched and Ross was entirely okay with it.
And kids, that brings us to the finale.
Ross met the woman of his dreams, the person he was destined (as we were told throughout the series) to live a happy live with for the rest of his live. We saw them have kids and we saw them get married. And they were happy. And so were we. But not every nine season comedy deserves a happy ending. Because as it turned out, Joey and Rachel thought their marriage was just as gross as we thought it was. So they got divorced. After spending 4 years on how they were meant to be together. FOUR YEARS. And Joey? He went back to being a caricature. But then he knocked up some girl and fell in love with the baby. At least he didn't get a horrible spin-off show. But here's the kicker, kids. After NINE seasons of looking for love and one season of meeting this perfect mother, it turns out SHE FUCKING DIES.
Boom. Series ruined.
And as we learn in the final moments of the show, Ross decides to get back with Rachel. Because they were supposed to be together all along and the Mother we were constantly told about was just a footnote in their epic romance.
And that's how I met the series finale to How I Met Your Mother, the worst thing ever.
But kids, I have two lessons to teach you.
One: Some things should not be drawn out. How I Met Your Mother could've sustained itself for a couple seasons. Making it longer dilutes the story, especially when you've shot the scenes where the mother is confirmed dead 8 years ago. Similarly, this entire post would've been funnier if I got to the point immediately. Now you're just kind of embarassed for me that I'm dragging it out for so long. And you think I'm a hack writer. Which is entirely valid.
Two: Friends was much better than HIMYM because I didn't want to strangle people when Ross and Rachel decided to get together again at the end. Because Friends was fucking awesome and HIMYM is desecrating its legacy by ripping off its characters and not even being unable to give them an appropriate ending.
Final verdict: 0 pineapples out of 10.