If you even remotely think you might have HIV by any means, stop reading this sentence and go get a fucking test like I did today right NOW.
"Ew Greg, TMI TMI!"
You're damn right. And that TMI may save your friggin' life or at least keep you from screwing up others'.
After avoiding a test for three years I finally took one today and the result was negative.
It's just 8 letters and only 4 letters different than positive but it makes a world of a difference.
Here's some more advice. USE A DAMN CONDOM!!!! I don't care who the hell your partner is or what they tell you. They have NO obligation to be truthful to you and they may lie straight to your face. Or they may not, but believe me, the chances are there.
Three years ago I had my 'first time' with a Japanese girl I knew somewhat well. We had messed around a few times but then did the big one, one night when I was a FUCKIN' IDIOT and went ahead without a condom. We had talked about her previous lovers (4 of them) and they all sounded safe, plus it was almost 6 years since her experience with most of them so it gave me a false sense of security.
Long (long) story short, she started doing one of my friends from class and well, there went two friendships.
So three years passed and I finally talked to my classmate who she cheated on me with about two days ago. We started talking about her and he casually mentioned that he was scared shitless at the time when she told him about her 15+ previous lovers.
"Hahaha!", I said at the time, "That's so her isn't it."
I didn't start Googling 'aids asymptomatic period' until later that night.
The past two days have been absolute FUCKING hell. My heart has been pounding out of my chest NON-STOP and I'm not kidding. I actually had a low-grade fever because of my heart pumping so fast constantly. No matter how many times you tell yourself, "It's okay, calm down, you'll make it through one way or another.", your brain doesn't fuckin' listen.
It's YOU versus YOUR OWN DAMN MORTALITY.
Even when you tell yourself, "I could just as easily get hit by a car tomorrow", it doesn't erase the feelings of dread and despair.
I just got the results a few hours ago and honestly, I don't wanna talk about it. The fucking world was falling in around me and I fiddled with a fucking sealed paper folded in half that when I looked at I couldn't even read and had to wait for the doctor to tell me, "Mainasu ne." (It's negative)
It was me waiting to see my own death. The night and hours leading up to the trip to the hospital, the waiting room from hell, the pre-exam, the blood drawing and waiting 2 and a half goddamn miserable hours that I just wanted to crawl into a ball and die during,
WAS ALL WORTH IT
Whether you have it or not, somehow uncertainty is the worst punishment of all.
What spooked me to do it after three years of twiddling my damn thumbs? Was it the fact that I heard she had 15 guys? No. Was it that I was afraid of how it would affect my family at home? No. Was it because I was afraid of the result? No.
While all of those are part of the sum, nothing could have brought me to do it more than the fact I wanted to know because of my girlfriend.
She knew about the experience and she accepted me even so. I didn't hide it from her that I had unprotected sex. Nor did she from me. But I thought about our future. I want to marry her and have kid(s) and well, if we're both HIV positive, then what good is that? Would it keep us from being together? No. But it would change how we went about it and what preparations (mental and physical) we would need to take into consideration for our future together.
So that said, if you think you can care about someone, and only one person, for the rest of your life when you're ready someday, get the goddamn test.
Better yet, USE GODDAMN PIECES OF LATEX THAT CAN 90% SAVE YOU THIS BULLSHIT.
And of course, the best thing to do is wait. I know that's not realistic in this day and age but believe me you….if it means not looking yourself in the mirror and not having to say, "I could have killed me.", it's worth it.
May the Schwartz be with you.