I thought it'd be funny if we all post hilarious quotes from our favorite comedy scenes. I can think up a few right off the bat.
"Relax man! Just grabbing for some nuts."
-Scary Movie 4
"You just jealous, Lee, 'cause women like me. I'm tall, dark and hansome and you third world ugly."
"I am not third world ugly, women think I'm cute. Like Snoopy."
"The suspect was black?"
" No, it was a nigga that did this"
Steward: Tea?
Bean: Hui
Steward: Sugar?
Bean: Non
Steward: Ah, your french is very good.
Bean: Gracias!
Loki: Let it never be said that your anal retentive attention to detail never yielded positive results!
Bartleby: You can't be anal retentive if you don't have an anus.
Man in Black: All right. Where is the poison? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and we both drink, and find out who is right… and who is dead.
Vizzini: But it's so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of you: are you the sort of man who would put the poison into his own goblet or his enemy's? Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool, you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
Man in Black: You've made your decision then?
Vizzini: Not remotely. Because iocane comes from Australia, as everyone knows, and Australia is entirely peopled with criminals, and criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you.
Man in Black: Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.
Vizzini: Wait til I get going! Now, where was I?
Man in Black: Australia.
Vizzini: Yes, Australia. And you must have suspected I would have known the powder's origin, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
Man in Black: You're just stalling now.
Vizzini: You'd like to think that, wouldn't you? You've beaten my giant, which means you're exceptionally strong, so you could've put the poison in your own goblet, trusting on your strength to save you, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But, you've also bested my Spaniard, which means you must have studied, and in studying you must have learned that man is mortal, so you would have put the poison as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
Man in Black: You're trying to trick me into giving away something. It won't work.
Vizzini: IT HAS WORKED! YOU'VE GIVEN EVERYTHING AWAY! I KNOW WHERE THE POISON IS!
Man in Black: Then make your choice.
Vizzini: I will, and I choose - What in the world can that be?
Vizzini: [Vizzini gestures up and away from the table. Roberts looks. Vizzini swaps the goblets]
Man in Black: What? Where? I don't see anything.
Vizzini: Well, I- I could have sworn I saw something. No matter.First, let's drink. Me from my glass, and you from yours.
Man in Black, Vizzini: [they drink ]
Man in Black: You guessed wrong.
Vizzini: You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned! Ha ha! You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly less well-known is this: never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha…
Vizzini: [Vizzini stops suddenly, and falls dead to the right]
Buttercup: And to think, all that time it was your cup that was poisoned.
Man in Black: They were both poisoned. I spent the last few years building up an immunity to iocane powder.
Inigo Montoya: Hello there. Slow going?
Man in Black: Look, I don't mean to be rude but this is not as easy as it looks, so I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't distract me.
Inigo Montoya: [apologetic] Sorry.
Man in Black: Thank you.
Inigo Montoya: I donna suppose you could speed things up?
Westley: If you're in such a hurry, you could lower a rope or a tree branch or find something useful to do.
Inigo Montoya: I could do that. I have some rope up here, but I do not think you would accept my help, since I am only waiting around to kill you.
Westley: That does put a damper on our relationship.
Inigo Montoya: But, I promise I will not kill you until you reach the top.
Man in Black: That's VERY comforting, but I'm afraid you'll just have to wait.
Inigo Montoya: I hate waiting. I could give you my word as a Spaniard.
Man in Black: No good. I've known too many Spaniards.
Inigo Montoya: Isn't there any way you trust me?
Man in Black: Nothing comes to mind.
Inigo Montoya: I swear on the soul of my father, Domingo Montoya, you will reach the top alive.
Man in Black: Throw me the rope.
Inigo: You are ready, then?
Man in Black: Whether I am or not, you've been more than fair.
Inigo: You seem a decent fellow. I hate to kill you.
Man in Black: You seem a decent fellow. I hate to die.
Inigo: Begin!
Prince Akeem: "Good morning, my neighbors!"
Voice from below: "Hey, fuck you."
Prince Akeem: "Yes! Yes! Fuck you, too!"
If you don't know where that comes from, you don't know comedy.
Man in Black: All right. Where is the poison? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and we both drink, and find out who is right… and who is dead.
Vizzini: But it's so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of you: are you the sort of man who would put the poison into his own goblet or his enemy's? Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool, you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
Man in Black: You've made your decision then?
Vizzini: Not remotely. Because iocane comes from Australia, as everyone knows, and Australia is entirely peopled with criminals, and criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you.
Man in Black: Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.
Vizzini: Wait til I get going! Now, where was I?
Man in Black: Australia.
Vizzini: Yes, Australia. And you must have suspected I would have known the powder's origin, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
Man in Black: You're just stalling now.
Vizzini: You'd like to think that, wouldn't you? You've beaten my giant, which means you're exceptionally strong, so you could've put the poison in your own goblet, trusting on your strength to save you, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But, you've also bested my Spaniard, which means you must have studied, and in studying you must have learned that man is mortal, so you would have put the poison as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
Man in Black: You're trying to trick me into giving away something. It won't work.
Vizzini: IT HAS WORKED! YOU'VE GIVEN EVERYTHING AWAY! I KNOW WHERE THE POISON IS!
Man in Black: Then make your choice.
Vizzini: I will, and I choose - What in the world can that be?
Vizzini: [Vizzini gestures up and away from the table. Roberts looks. Vizzini swaps the goblets]
Man in Black: What? Where? I don't see anything.
Vizzini: Well, I- I could have sworn I saw something. No matter.First, let's drink. Me from my glass, and you from yours.
Man in Black, Vizzini: [they drink ]
Man in Black: You guessed wrong.
Vizzini: You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned! Ha ha! You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly less well-known is this: never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha…
Vizzini: [Vizzini stops suddenly, and falls dead to the right]
Buttercup: And to think, all that time it was your cup that was poisoned.
Man in Black: They were both poisoned. I spent the last few years building up an immunity to iocane powder.Inigo Montoya: Hello there. Slow going?
Man in Black: Look, I don't mean to be rude but this is not as easy as it looks, so I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't distract me.
Inigo Montoya: [apologetic] Sorry.
Man in Black: Thank you.
Inigo Montoya: I donna suppose you could speed things up?
Westley: If you're in such a hurry, you could lower a rope or a tree branch or find something useful to do.
Inigo Montoya: I could do that. I have some rope up here, but I do not think you would accept my help, since I am only waiting around to kill you.
Westley: That does put a damper on our relationship.
Inigo Montoya: But, I promise I will not kill you until you reach the top.
Man in Black: That's VERY comforting, but I'm afraid you'll just have to wait.
Inigo Montoya: I hate waiting. I could give you my word as a Spaniard.
Man in Black: No good. I've known too many Spaniards.
Inigo Montoya: Isn't there any way you trust me?
Man in Black: Nothing comes to mind.
Inigo Montoya: I swear on the soul of my father, Domingo Montoya, you will reach the top alive.
Man in Black: Throw me the rope.
Inigo: You are ready, then?
Man in Black: Whether I am or not, you've been more than fair.
Inigo: You seem a decent fellow. I hate to kill you.
Man in Black: You seem a decent fellow. I hate to die.
Inigo: Begin!
You win just for posting that. Love Princess Bride.
Chasing Amy
Banky: Alright, now see this? This is a four-way road, OK? And dead in the center is a crisp, new, hundred dollar bill. Now, at the end of each of these streets are four people, OK? Are you following?
Holden: Yeah.
Banky: Good. Over here, we have a male-affectionate, easy to get along with, non-political agenda lesbian. Down here, we have a man-hating, angry as fuck, agenda of rage, bitter dyke. Over here, we got Santa Claus, and up here the Easter Bunny. Which one is going to get to the hundred dollar bill first?
Holden: What is this supposed to prove?
Banky: No, I'm serious. This is a serious exercise. It's like an SAT question. Which one is going to get to the hundred dollar bill first? The male-friendly lesbian, the man-hating dyke, Santa Claus, or the Easter bunny?
Holden: The man-hating dyke.
Banky: Good. Why?
Holden: I don't know.
Banky: Because the other three are figments of your fucking imagination!
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
Raul Duke: How long can we maintain I wonder? How long before one of us starts raving and jabbering at this boy? What will he think then? This same lonely desert was the last known home of the Manson family, would he make that grim connection when my attorney starts raving about bats and huge manta rays coming down on the car? If so, well we'll just have to cut his head off and bury him some where. Cause it goes without saying we can't turn him loose. He'd report us at once to some kind of crazy-outback-nazi-law enforcement agency and they'll run us down like dogs. Jesus, did I just say that? Or just think it? Was I talking? Did they hear me?!
Animal Crackers
Raveli: All you have to do is open the door, step outside and there you are.
Spalding: There you are?
Raveli: Yeah
Spalding: There you are where?
Raveli: Outside.
Spalding: Well suppose you want to get back in again?
Raveli: You had no right to go out.
Spalding: Well don't do anything till I hear from you.
Fatal Glass of Beer (W.C. Fields Short)
Fields: Well he can't have Balto my lead dog.
Wife: Why not?
Fields: Cause I ate'em.
Wife: You ate him?!
Fields: He was mighty good with mustard.
12 oz. Mouse
Shark: Ok that works. So how about now?
Fitz: Yes, how about now?
Shark: Yeah, nows good. Before would've been better but, befores over.
INT: VIDEO STORE. DAY
RANDAL reads a newspaper. An INDECISIVE CUSTOMER studies the
two rental choices she holds. She looks from one movie to
the other repeatedly.
INDECISIVE CUSTOMER
(attempting a solicit help)
They say so much, but they never
tell you if it's any good.
RANDAL hardly stirs and continues to read his paper. The
INDECISIVE CUSTOMER half turns to see if her comment was
even heard. She tries again, but this time with a different
approach.
INDECISIVE CUSTOMER
Are either of these any good?
RANDAL continues to read. The INDECISIVE CUSTOMER tries
harder, then louder and more direct:
INDECISIVE CUSTOMER
Sir!
RANDAL continues to read.
RANDAL
(flatly)
What.
The INDECISIVE CUSTOMER holds up her rental choices.
INDECISIVE CUSTOMER
(politely)
Are either of these any good?
RANDAL, as always, reads on.
RANDAL
(again, flatly)
I don't watch movies.
The INDECISIVE CUSTOMER is a tad flabbergasted, but not put
off.
INDECISIVE CUSTOMER
Well, have you heard anything about
either of them?
RANDAL does his level best to not get involved.
RANDAL
(reading)
No.
The INDECISIVE CUSTOMER challenges him.
INDECISIVE CUSTOMER
(in disbelief)
You've never heard anybody say
anything about either movie?
RANDAL (O.C.)
I find it's best to stay out of
other people's affairs.
INDECISIVE CUSTOMER
(with a new determination)
Well, how about these two movies?
(holds up the same two)
RANDAL continues to read his paper, not looking up.
RANDAL
They suck.
The INDECISIVE CUSTOMER smirks smugly at RANDAL and his
paper. She has caught him.
INDECISIVE CUSTOMER
I just held up the same two movies.
You're not even paying attention.
RANDAL
No, I wasn't.
INDECISIVE CUSTOMER
I don't think your manager would
appreciate…
RANDAL
(turning the page)
I don't appreciate your ruse, ma'am.
INDECISIVE CUSTOMER
I beg your pardon!
RANDAL
(reading on)
Your ruse. Your cunning attempt to
trick me.
INDECISIVE CUSTOMER
(defending herself)
I only pointed out that you weren't
paying any attention to what I was
saying.
RANDAL
(turning page and reading)
I hope it feels good.
INDECISIVE CUSTOMER
You hope what feels good?
RANDAL
I hope it feels so good to be right.
There is nothing more exhilarating
than pointing out the shortcomings
of others, is there?
The INDECISIVE CUSTOMER wears a face that belies utter
disbelief in the audacity of this most lackadaisical video
clerk. The unmoving newspaper illustrates the total
disinterest of the news-hungry RANDAL. The INDECISIVE
CUSTOMER shakes her head in disgust and throws the movies
back onto the wall.
INDECISIVE CUSTOMER
(in a huff)
Well this is the last time I ever
rent here...
RANDAL
You'll be missed.
INDECISIVE CUSTOMER
(losing it altogether)
Screw you!
She storms out. RANDAL is offended. He hops over the counter
and whips the door open.
RANDAL
(calling after her)
You're not allowed to rent here
anymore!
NARRATOR:
The Tale of Sir Robin. So, each of the knights went their separate ways. Sir Robin rode north, through the dark forest of Ewing, accompanied by his favourite minstrels.
MINSTREL: [singing]
Bravely bold Sir Robin rode forth from Camelot.
He was not afraid to die, O brave Sir Robin.
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways,
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin!
He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp,
Or to have his eyes gouged out and his elbows broken,
To have his kneecaps split and his body burned away
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin!
His head smashed in and his heart cut out
And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged
And his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off
And his pen–
SIR ROBIN:
That's-- that's, uh-- that's enough music for now, lads. Heh. Looks like there's dirty work afoot.
DENNIS:
Anarcho-syndicalism is a way of preserving freedom.
WOMAN:
Oh, Dennis, forget about freedom. We haven't got enough mud.
ALL HEADS:
Halt! Who art thou?
MINSTREL: [singing]
He is brave Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin, who–
ROBIN:
Shut up! Um, n-- n-- n-- nobody, really. I'm j-- j-- j-- ju-- just, um-- just passing through.
ALL HEADS:
What do you want?
MINSTREL: [singing]
To fight and–
ROBIN:
Shut up! Um, oo, a-- nothing. Nothing, really. I, uh-- j-- j-- just-- just to, um-- just to p-- pass through, good Sir Knight.
ALL HEADS:
I'm afraid not!
ROBIN:
Ah. W-- well, actually I-- I am a Knight of the Round Table.
ALL HEADS:
You're a Knight of the Round Table?
ROBIN:
I am.
LEFT HEAD:
In that case, I shall have to kill you.
MIDDLE HEAD:
Shall I?
RIGHT HEAD:
Oh, I don't think so.
MIDDLE HEAD:
Well, what do I think?
LEFT HEAD:
I think kill him.
RIGHT HEAD:
Oh, let's be nice to him.
LEFT HEAD:
Oh, shut up.
ROBIN:
Perhaps I could--
LEFT HEAD:
And you. Oh, quick! Get the sword out. I want to cut his head off!
RIGHT HEAD:
Oh, cut your own head off!
MIDDLE HEAD:
Yes, do us all a favour!
LEFT HEAD:
What?
RIGHT HEAD:
Yapping on all the time.
MIDDLE HEAD:
You're lucky. You're not next to him.
LEFT HEAD:
What do you mean?
MIDDLE HEAD:
You snore!
LEFT HEAD:
Oh, I don't. Anyway, you've got bad breath.
MIDDLE HEAD:
Well, it's only because you don't brush my teeth.
RIGHT HEAD:
Oh, stop bitching and let's go have tea.
LEFT HEAD:
Oh, all right. All right. All right. We'll kill him first and then have tea and biscuits.
MIDDLE HEAD:
Yes.
RIGHT HEAD:
Oh, not biscuits.
LEFT HEAD:
All right. All right, not biscuits, but let's kill him anyway.
ALL HEADS:
Right!
MIDDLE HEAD:
He buggered off.
RIGHT HEAD:
So he has. He's scarpered.
MINSTREL: [singing]
Brave Sir Robin ran away,
ROBIN:
No!
MINSTREL: [singing]
Bravely ran away, away.
ROBIN:
I didn't!
MINSTREL: [singing]
When danger reared its ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled.
ROBIN:
No!
MINSTREL: [singing]
Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about
ROBIN:
I didn't!
MINSTREL: [singing]
And gallantly, he chickened out. Bravely taking to his feet,
ROBIN:
I never did!
MINSTREL: [singing]
He beat a very brave retreat,
ROBIN:
All lies!
MINSTREL: [singing]
Bravest of the brave, Sir Robin.
ROBIN:
I never!
The only one that comes to mind at the moment is-
Street Fighter II (Live Action)
Guile/Van Damme: "We urr gunna gou hum"….or something like that :P
Ok this is a long one, but it's worth it. :D
Bridge-Keeper: What is your name?
Lancelot: Sir Lancelot of Camelot.
Bridge-Keeper: What is your quest?
Lancelot: To seek the holy grail.
Bridge-Keeper: What is your favorite color?
Lancelot: Blue.
Bridge-Keeper: Right off you go.
Bridge-Keeper: What is your name?
Robin: Sir Robin of Camelot.
Bridge-Keeper: What is your quest?
Robin: To seek the holy grail.
Bridge-Keeper: What is the capital of Astoria?
Robin:… I don't know that. YEEEEAAAARRRGGH!!! (falls to his death)
Bridge-Keeper: What is your name?
Galahad: Sir Galahad of Camelot.
Bridge-Keeper: What is your quest?
Galahad: To seek the holy grail.
Bridge-Keeper: What is your favorite color?
Galahad: Blue. No, YEEEEAAAARRRGGH!!! (falls to his death)
Bridge-Keeper: What is your name?
Arthur: Sir Arthur, King of the Britain's.
Bridge-Keeper: What is your quest?
Arthur: To seek the holy grail.
Bridge-Keeper: What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
Arthur:... What do you mean? African or European swallow?
Bridge-Keeper: I-I don't know that. YEEEEAAAARRRGGH!!! (falls to his death)
Anything said by Rodney Dangerfeild or John Candy.
Nuff said. But Taleran wins with Princess Bride.
Vizzini: Inconceivable!
Indigo Montoya: I dont think you know what that means.
Not the exact quote but close enough.
Sig made by AngelzRfalling.
Gary "Iceman" Martin. RIP.
@Anime:
Vizzini: Inconceivable!
Inigo Montoya: You keep using that word, I do not think it means what you think it means.
Fixed for Great Justice.
Thank you Mr. Prince.
King Roland: The code is 1.
Dark Helmet: 1!
Sandurz: 1!
King Roland: The code is 1.
Dark Helmet: 1!
Sandurz: 1!
King Roland: 2.
Dark Helmet: 2!
Sandurz: 2!
King Roland: 3.
Dark Helmet: 3!
Sandurz: 3!
King Roland: 4.
Dark Helmet: 4!
Sandurz: 4!
King Roland: 5.
Dark Helmet: 5!
Sandurz: 5!
Dark Helmet: So the combination is 12345….That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard in my life! The kind of thing an idiot would have on his luggage!
Dark Helmet: WHAT?!?!?! YOU WENT OVER MY HELMET!?!
[[I]Colonel Sandurz, Dark Helmet and the Video Operator are watching Spaceballs (1987), the movie]
Colonel Sandurz: That's much too early. Prepare to fast-forward!
Video Operator: Preparing to fast-forward!
Colonel Sandurz: Fast-forward!
Video Operator: Fast-forwarding, sir!
Dark Helmet: What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the movie?
Colonel Sandurz: Now. You're looking at now sir. Everything that happens now, is happening now.
Dark Helmet: What happened to then?
Colonel Sandurz: We passed then.
Dark Helmet: When?
Colonel Sandurz: Just now. We're at now, now.
Dark Helmet: Go back to then!
Colonel Sandurz: When?
Dark Helmet: Now.
Colonel Sandurz: Now?
Dark Helmet: Now!
Colonel Sandurz: I can't.
Dark Helmet: Why?
Colonel Sandurz: We missed it.
Dark Helmet: When?
Colonel Sandurz: Just now.
Dark Helmet: When will then be now?
Colonel Sandurz: Soon.
Dark Helmet: How soon?
Video Operator: Sir!
Dark Helmet: What?
Video Operator: We've identified their location.
Dark Helmet: Where?
Video Operator: It's the moon of Vega.
Colonel Sandurz: Good work. Set a course and prepare for our arrival.
Dark Helmet: When?
Video Operator: At 1900 hours, sir.
Colonel Sandurz: By high noon tomorrow they will be our prisoners.
Dark Helmet: Who?
Randomness:
Shooter McGavin: I eat pieces of st like you for breakfast!
Happy Gilmore: You eat pieces of st for breakfast!?
Bill: Be excellent to each other!
Ted: Party on, dudes!
Elwood: It's 106 miles to Chicago, we've got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark and we're wearing sunglasses.
Jake: Hit it.
Blazing Saddles
Bart: What's your name?
Jim: Well my name is Jim but, most people just call me….. Jim.
Bart: Well Jim, since you are my guest and I am your host what do you like to do?
Jim: Dunno. Play chess... screw.
Bart: Well lets play chess.
Robin Hood: Men in Tights
Prince John: And why should the good people listen to you?
Ronbin: Because, unlike other Robin Hoods I can speak with an English accent.
(Crowd proceeds to ooh and aw)
and now some short but sweet ones from a little classic…
Airplane
Striker: Shirley you can't be serious?!
Doc: I am serious and don't call me Shirley.
Striker: I can't fly a plane like this, it's an entirely different kind of flying all together.
Doc and Stewardess: It's an entirely different kind of flying.
Airplane 2
McCroskey: I need to know everything that happened up till now.
Johnny: Well lets see. First the earth cooled and then the dinosaurs came. But they got too big and fat, so they all turned into oil. And then the Arabs came and bought Mercedes Benzes… (trails off)
Dark Helmet: Careful you idiot. I said across her nose, not up it!
Laser Gunner: Sorry sir. Doing my best.
Dark Helmet: Who made that man a gunner?
Major Asshole: I did sir. He's my cousin.
Dark Helmet: Who is he?
Colonel Sandurz: He's an asshole sir.
Dark Helmet: I know that!….What's his name?
Colonel Sandurz: That is his name sir, Major Asshole
Dark Helmet: and his cousin?
Colonel Sandurz: He's an asshole too sir: Gunner's mate, first class, Philip Asshole
Dark Helmet: How many assholes we got on this ship anyhow?
The Crew: YO!!!!
Dark Helmet: I knew it, I'm surrounded by assholes
[Dark Helmet pulls his mask down]
Dark Helmet: Keep firing assholes!!
Dark Helmet: [mask down] Not so fast, Lone Starr.
Lone Starr: Helmet. So, at last we meet for the first time for the last time. [thinks about what he said] Yeah.
Dark Helmet: Before you die, there is something you should know about us, Lone Starr.
Lone Starr: What?
Dark Helmet: I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former room-mate.
Lone Starr: What's that make us?
Dark Helmet: Absolutely nothing.
you forgot the last part of that last quote
"Which is exactally what you are about to become!"
Happy gilmore:
"Pssh and that's like saying sam adams had a beer."
"Sam adams did have a beer.
"…"
Borat:
"Look the jews have transformed their shape!"
"Does mr.Jesus love me neighbor ______"
"YES JESUS LOVES ___________"
"But, nobody loves ____________"
"My name is borat and I like sex. It's very very nice!"
A true comedy gem from Abbot and Costello. It was used in one of their movies but I can't remember what it was called. I wanted to type it up but it would take two posts to get it all in here so here is a link I found with the whole routine.
And now ladies and gentlemen without further ado… The Baseball Sketch.
Taleran, ur first movie quotes are from what movie? I laughed my ass off so hard I wanna LISTEN to that!
@Freeman-12:
Taleran, ur first movie quotes are from what movie? I laughed my ass off so hard I wanna LISTEN to that!
It's from Clerks. That movie is full of great dialogue.
Airplane I & II had so many quotes but out of both, this was my favourite part.
Witness: Striker was the squadron leader. He brought us in real low. But he couldn't handle it.
Prosecutor: Buddy couldn't handle it? Was Buddy one of your crew?
Witness: Right. Buddy was the bombardier. But it was Striker who couldn't handle it, and he went to pieces.
Prosecutor: Andy went to pieces?
Witness: No. Andy was the navigator. He was all right. Buddy went to pieces. It was awful how he came unglued.
Prosecutor: Howie came unglued?
Witness: Oh, no. Howie was a rock, the best tailgunner in the outfit. Buddy came unglued.
Prosecutor: And he bailed out?
Witness: No. Andy hung tough. Buddy bailed out. How he survived, it was a miracle.
Prosecutor: Then Howie survived?
Witness: No, 'fraid not. We lost Howie the next day.Prosecutor: Over Macho Grande?
Witness: No. I don't think I'll ever get over Macho Grande.
I dunno about line, but one of the funniest scenes in a film I've EVER seen was Night at the Museum.
The scene itself was a regular 'hah funny' but the situation I saw it in just made it legendary.
It was the scene were Ben Stiller goes all Freudian on Khan. I was in a HUUUUUUUUGE packed theater in Japan and the subtitles of the film read word for word what he was actually saying but no one got that it was completely absurd because of the way he was saying it in English and the fact that it's Ben Stiller.
As soon as I realized why I was the only one laughing in the entire theater it just multiplied that fucker by a factor of 9999 and I was practically on the floor while the people in the theater were totally clueless and feeling awkward.
Oh man, that was fantastic.
@Talern- The Princess Bride? Gonna per-order it along with Oscar (Silvester Stallone), that part with the cup of tea was hilarious.
no its Dogma
then The Princess Bride
then Clerks
then Holy Grail
Wasn't he referring to the line about video rentals? Maybe I misread….
Monty Python and the Holy Grail:
! Arthur and the Knights arrive at a castle.] King Arthur: Hello? [long silence] Hello! [A guard appears. He speaks with a French accent.] Frenchman: 'Allo! Whoo ez eet? King Arthur: It is King Arthur, and these are my Knights of the Round Table. Whose castle is this? Frenchman: Zis is the castle of my master, Guy de Loembard. King Arthur: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for this night, he can join us in our Quest for the Holy Grail. Frenchman: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't zink he'll be very keen… Uh, he's already got one, you see.
King Arthur: What? Sir Galahad: He says they've already got one!
King Arthur: Are you sure he's got one? Frenchman: Oh, yes, it's very nice-a. [[I]to other Frenchmen] I told him we already got one. [[I]they snicker in a very French manner] King Arthur: Well, uh… Can we come up and have a look?
Frenchman: Of course not! You are English types. King Arthur: Well, what are you then? Frenchman: I'm French! Why do you zink I have zis outrageous accent, you silly king?! Sir Galahad: What are you doing in England?
Frenchman: Mind your own business! King Arthur: [sternly] If you do not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle by force!Frenchman: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person! I blow my nose at you, so-called Ah-thoor Keeng, you and all your silly English K-nnnnnnnniggits! [makes taunting gestures at them] Sir Galahad: What a strange person. King Arthur: Now look here, my good man — Frenchman: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries![pause] Sir Galahad: Is there someone else up there we could talk to? Frenchman: A-no! Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time-a![slight pause] King Arthur: Now this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable… Frenchman: [speaks in French to another Frenchman] Fetchez la vache. 2nd Frenchman: Quoi? Frenchman: Fetchez la vache![Yet another Frenchman is seen preparing a cow for something. Arthur is still speaking outside.] King Arthur: If you do not agree with my commands, then I shall —[The cow whizzes through the air with a loud BOING!] King Arthur: JESUS CHRIST![The cow squashes one of the "horses".] King Arthur: Right! [draws sword] CHARGE!!![The Knights charge at the French castle. The French drop more animals on them, and a battle begins.] Frenchman: Yeah, this one is for your mother! There you go! And this one's for your dad![The Knights quickly lose courage.] King Arthur: Run away!
Knights: Run away! Run away!…[Arthur and the Knights retreat and hide behind a ridge of land near the woods. The French jeer after them.]
This is Spinal Tap:
! Nigel Tufnel plays the piano) Marty DiBergi: It's pretty. Nigel Tufnel: Yeah, I like it. I've been fooling around with it for a few months now. Very delicate. Marty DiBergi: It's a bit of a departure from what you normally play. Nigel Tufnel: Yeah, well, it's part of a trilogy, a musical trilogy that I'm doing in D [pause] minor, which, I always find is really the saddest of all keys, really, I don't know why; it makes people weep instantly to play (Nigel plays, and sings) Nigel Tufnel: It's a horn part. Marty DiBergi: It's very pretty. Nigel Tufnel: You know, just simple lines intertwining, you know, very much like - I'm really influenced by Mozart and Bach, and it's sort of in between those, really. It's like a Mach piece, really. It's sort of… Marty DiBergi: What do you call this? Nigel Tufnel: Well, this piece is called "Lick My Love Pump".
Office Space:
Peter Gibbons: Lumbergh's gonna have me work on Saturday. I can tell already. I'm gonna end up doin' it, because, uh… because I'm a big pussy... which is why I work at Initech to begin with.
It would be this mat that you would put on the floor and would have different CONCLUSIONS written on it that you could JUMP TO.
Elwood: It's 106 miles to Chicago, we've got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark and we're wearing sunglasses.
Jake: Hit it.
Dammit, I was gonna put that. The Blues Brothers is my favorite movie of all time. Eh…
Elwood: Our lady of blessed acceleration, don't fail me now!
Ron: Boy, that escalated quickly... I mean, that really got out of hand fast.
Champ: It jumped up a notch.
Ron: It did, didn't it?
Brick: Yeah, I stabbed a man in the heart.
Ron: I saw that. Brick killed a guy. Did you throw a trident?
Brick: Yeah, there were horses, and a man on fire, and I killed a guy with a trident.
Ron: Brick, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. You should find yourself a safehouse or a relative close by. Lay low for a while, because you're probably wanted for murder.
Brick: I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE'RE YELLING ABOUT!!
Uh Generic, your sig isn't based on a character that Vinnie Jones played in a Japanese flick is it?
No, the guy in my sig is Soda Popinski/Vodka Drunkinski, a character from the NES game Punchout!!. The pic was something I got form a website that involved him making chocolate spaghetti.
SPACEBALLS
Dark Helmet: We were told to comb the desert so we're combing it.
[to two white henchmen with a giant comb]
Dark Helmet: Found anything yet?
Henchmen: Nothing sir!
[to two more white henchmen with a giant comb]
Dark Helmet: How bout you?
Henchmen: Not a thing sir!
[to two black henchmen with a giant pick]
Dark Helmet: What about you guys?
Henchmen: WE AIN'T FOUND SHIT!
Dark Helmet: What's the matter with this thing? What's with all that churning and bubbling? You call that a Radar Screen?
[[I]Sandurz points to the sign on the machine]
Sandurz: No sir, we call it Mr. Coffee. Care for some?
Dark Helmet: YES! I always have coffee when I watch radar, you know that!
Sandurz: Of course I do, sir.
Dark Helmet: Everybody knows that!
All henchmen in the room: Of course we do, sir!
Dark Helmet: Now that I have my coffee I'm ready to watch radar. Where is it?
Sandurz: Right here, sir.
[[I]Sandurz points to the sign on the radar screen that says Mr. Radar]
(Lone Starr shows Yogurt his pendent)
Lone Starr: The wisest men in the universe can't even tell me what it means.
Yogurt: Wise guys you mean. Here let ma take a look.
Yogurt: Hooarch-hooarch-muddigh Muaacch Muuach.
Lone Starr: You can read it?
Yogurt: Nah, I was just clearing my throat.
Self-Destruct-Voice: Ten… nine... eight... six...
Skroob: Six? What happened to seven?
Self-Destruct-Voice: Just kidding! Seven... six... five... four... three... two... one... have a nice day.
Skroob, Sandurz, Dark Helmet: Thank you.
Dr Strangelove:
Dr. Strangelove: Sir! I have a plan. Heh. [He realizes he is standing up] Mein Führer! I can walk! Colonel "Bat" Guano: That's private property…OK, I'm gonna get your money for you. But if you don't get the President of the United States on that phone, you know what's gonna happen to you?...You're gonna have to answer to the Coca-Cola Company.
General Jack D. Ripper: A foreign substance is introduced into our precious bodily fluids without the knowledge of the individual, and certainly without any choice. That's the way your hard-core Commie works. I first became aware of it, Mandrake, during the physical act of love…Yes, a profound sense of fatigue, a feeling of emptiness followed. Luckily I-I was able to interpret these feelings correctly. Loss of essence. I can assure you it has not recurred, Mandrake. Women, er, women sense my power, and they seek the life essence. I do not avoid women, Mandrake...but I do deny them my essence.
"You just got knock da fuck out" -Chris Tucker, Friday
"No wonder you mad!" -Chris Tucker, Rush Hour 2
"I am the team of me!" Martin Lawrence, Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins
"You wanna talk about mothers!" Shawn and Marlon Wayans, White Chicks
Let me tell you somethin about the word "good" brotha! Good is an acient anglo-saxion word or good meaning, absence of color i.e. its all good or "good will huntin" meaning, IM HUNTIN NIGGAS! So if your sayin Good Morning to me the only thing your sayin is "Im gonna kill yo blackass first thing in the mornin!" -(Conspiracy Brother) Dave Chapelle, Undercover Brother
Monty Python and the Holy Grail:
! Sir Bedevere: What makes you think she's a witch?
Peasant 3: Well, she turned me into a newt!
Sir Bedevere: A newt?
Peasant 3: [[I]meekly after a long pause] … I got better.
Crowd: [[I]shouts] Burn her anyway!
! The Dead Collector: Bring out yer dead.
[[I]a man puts a body on the cart]
Large Man with Dead Body: Here's one.
The Dead Collector: That'll be ninepence.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I'm not dead.
The Dead Collector: What?
Large Man with Dead Body: Nothing. There's your ninepence.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I'm not dead.
The Dead Collector: 'Ere, he says he's not dead.
Large Man with Dead Body: Yes he is.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I'm not.
The Dead Collector: He isn't.
Large Man with Dead Body: Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I'm getting better.
Large Man with Dead Body: No you're not, you'll be stone dead in a moment.
The Dead Collector: Well, I can't take him like that. It's against regulations.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I don't want to go on the cart.
Large Man with Dead Body: Oh, don't be such a baby.
The Dead Collector: I can't take him.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I feel fine.
Large Man with Dead Body: Oh, do me a favor.
The Dead Collector: I can't.
Large Man with Dead Body: Well, can you hang around for a couple of minutes? He won't be long.
The Dead Collector: I promised I'd be at the Robinsons'. They've lost nine today.
Large Man with Dead Body: Well, when's your next round?
The Dead Collector: Thursday.
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I think I'll go for a walk.
Large Man with Dead Body: You're not fooling anyone, you know. Isn't there anything you could do?
The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't: I feel happy. I feel happy.
[[I]the Dead Collector glances up and down the street furtively, then silences the Body with his a whack of his club]
Large Man with Dead Body: Ah, thank you very much.
The Dead Collector: Not at all. See you on Thursday.
Large Man with Dead Body: Right.
! Pineapple Express:
! Saul: Alright man, let's go! I'm done with the woods!
Dale Denton: [[I]sarcastically] Oh, okay! Let's go. Oh wait. No. The battery's dead.
Saul: Wait…what do you mean the battery's dead?
Dale Denton: … I mean the battery is dead. The car needs a battery to start, Saul.
Saul: No no… What do you mean, the battery is dead?
Dale Denton: …How else can I explain this to you? The battery died. It has ceased to live.
Saul: Fuck, man! We had on the fucking talk radio all night. So boring! The car just committed suicide.
! Blazing Saddles:
! Jim: Uh-oh, Bart. I think Mongo here's taken a liking to you.
Mongo: Huh-huh, naw, Mongo straight.
! Hedley Lamarr: Qualifications?
Applicant: Rape, murder, arson, and rape.
Hedley Lamarr: You said rape twice.
Applicant: I like rape.
Burger boy: So um, Do you wanna dimpi-size your meal for a quarter more?
Farva: Want me to punch-a-size your face, for free?
(Later…)
Farva: Now don't give me any lip.
Burger boy: It's just a quarter, and look how much more you get.
Farva: I said no.
Burger boy: It's just 25 cents.
Ramathorn: Hey listen, guy, he doesn't want it.
Farva: I can handle this, Ramathorn. I DON'T WANT IT.
Burger boy: Right, beverage?
Farva: Give me a uh, a liter of cola.
Burger boy: A what?
Farva: A liter of cola.
Burger boy: (To the intercom)Liter cola. Do we make liter cola?
Ramathorn: Will you just order a large, Farva.
Farva: I don't wanna large Farva. I want a goddamn liter of cola.
Burger boy: I don't know what that is.
Farva: Liter is french, for "give me some fucking cola before I break VOUS FUCKIN' LIP!
oh yeah Norbit
"WHO ATE THE TURKEY ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" -Raspushia (?)
The Italian Job (1969) Charile: You're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!
Mr. Bridger: We've come here to pay our respects to Great Aunt Nellie. She brought us up properly and taught us loyalty. Now I want you to remember that during these next few days. I also want you to remember that if you don't come back with the goods, Nellie here will turn in her grave, and, likely as not, jump right out of it and kick your teeth in.
Tailor: We haven't seen you for a while sir.
Charlie: No, I've been away.
Tailor: Well, I'm glad you're out, er, back.
Monty Python and the Holy Grail Narrator: And now on to Scene 24, a smashing scene with some lovely acting…
Brother Maynard: Armaments, chapter two, verses nine through twenty-one.
Cleric: [[I]reading] And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, "O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy." And the Lord did grin. And the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths, and carp and anchovies, and orangutans and breakfast cereals, and fruit-bats and large chu…
Brother Maynard: Skip a bit, Brother…
Cleric: And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.
Brother Maynard: Amen.
All: Amen.
~Stargazer~, ~Distance~ original stories.
3DS Friend Code: 2234-8294-8917
I'm Gonna Get You Sucka
Flyguy: My b*tch better have my money/Through rain, sleet, or snow/My Ho better have my money/Not half, not some, but all my cash/'Cause if she don't,/I'm gonna put my foot dead in her ass.
Don't Be A Menace To South Central
Officer Self Hatred(Black guy who hates black people): You ain't so tough now, little n–--. I hate your black bastards, you stink! I hate your black skin. I hate your black pants. I hate black pepper. I hate black keys on a piano. I hate my gums, because they're black. I hate Whoopi Goldberg's lips. I hate the back of Forrest Whittaker's neck. Huh? Most of all, I hate that black-ass Wesley Snipes.
Dr. Strangelove
President Merkin Muffley: Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the war room!
Some Like it Hot
[Jerry has been pretending to be a woman and has become engaged to a man named Osgood and he now desperately tries to break off the marriage without revealing he is a man]
Jerry: Osgood, I'm gonna level with you. We can't get married at all.
Osgood: Why not?
Jerry: Well, in the first place, I'm not a natural blonde.
Osgood: Doesn't matter
Jerry: I smoke! I smoke all the time!
Osgood: I don't care
Jerry: Well, I have a terrible past. For three years now I've been living with a saxophone player.
Osgood: I forgive you
Jerry: [Tragically] I can never have children!
Osgood: We can adopt some
Jerry: But you don't understand, Osgood! [Concedes and reveals his true gender] Uhh, I'm a man!
Osgood: Well, nobody's perfect
