Confession Session II

Carmilla

yeah I know a lot of people laugh like my friends do. But I don't feel like I could have sex with a stranger or someone I don't have a connection with. I've passed on a few chances due to be really apathetic and not wanting to have sex with someone I don't know.

THIS. This is so me. I don't think we are majority but there is nothing really wrong with that either. I can only get really attracted to someone I love or close friends only. Maybe I could have a sex with a stranger woman, but a guy? no way. I mean many people prefer to do it with someone they love (and I think so too when I choose to do it with someone I love instead of a close friend), but I'd probably be disgusted with a stranger.
I don't think it really has anything to do with apathy either though, have you heard about demisexualism? (I don't identify as one but it might interest you)

NER

First day of Ramadan, my faith (whats left of it) is all over the place, and I want out of Saudi.

I cant take this country anymore, its killing me. I feel like my life was wasted. :(
I am graduating next year and I'll try to find a job outside of Saudi as soon as I do. Honestly almost anywhere is fine. It doesn't even have to be very far from Saudi. I am fine with Bahrain or UAE.

I feel so tortured and I am a male. I would have probably committed suicide if I was born a female in this bitch of a country.

Monkey King

@taboo:

Just remember that lesbians have sex all the time and they experience on average more orgasms than hetero couples

I feel like that's probably because you have to get a little more detailed and work at it. Really hands on, and matters of precision. Also understanding the female body better to begin with lol.
"Art from adversity" sort of.

Probably lots of dudes just sort of begin and end on "DICK IN, BACK AND FORTH, COMPLETE". And never even get around to exploring the finer points of anything much else.
I mean all those jokes and comments about foreplay being a chore are coming from somebody, thats gotta be these sorry saps.

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@NER:

First day of Ramadan, my faith (whats left of it) is all over the place, and I want out of Saudi.

I cant take this country anymore, its killing me. I feel like my life was wasted. :(
I am graduating next year and I'll try to find a job outside of Saudi as soon as I do. Honestly almost anywhere is fine. It doesn't even have to be very far from Saudi. I am fine with Bahrain or UAE.

I feel so tortured and I am a male. I would have probably committed suicide if I was born a female in this bitch of a country.

Oman seems kinda chill. How about there.
Also they're the Switzerland of the region, so if all hell breaks lose things will probably be ok there maybe.

Femme

@NER:

First day of Ramadan, my faith (whats left of it) is all over the place, and I want out of Saudi.

I cant take this country anymore, its killing me. I feel like my life was wasted. :(
I am graduating next year and I'll try to find a job outside of Saudi as soon as I do. Honestly almost anywhere is fine. It doesn't even have to be very far from Saudi. I am fine with Bahrain or UAE.

I feel so tortured and I am a male. I would have probably committed suicide if I was born a female in this bitch of a country.

Sounds like you're having a really rough time :( I'm sorry to hear that. Moving out of Saudi is entirely possible, so I hope that year goes by quick and good things come to you soon.

Angelos17

@Nolus:

I need help. Let me explain.

Lately, as you might already have read it in this thread, I've been having problems with my self-image, and I feel like my world is slowly coming apart and going upside-down.
For those who are unfamiliar with me,

! I'm a woman, who almost from birth liked the boys stuff, simply put. I liked boys clothes, my hair was almost always short-cut, I liked getting messy, and I absolutely despised dolls. Or more like I could do nothing with them. Cars and action figures however, they were fun. Because of my appearance I was often mistaken for a boy (or rather got the "is this a boy or a girl" question, which was quite annoying). Funny story, I was once kicked out of the girls bathroom, because they thought I was a boy. Funnier still, this happened to my mom as well when she was little. Must be a family thing.
! Later on, at around age 16-17 I started to become girly, grew out my hair, got some girl-clothes, even skirts (oh my god, what happened to me then), and got earrings. It was…. fun for a while. Like dressing up for halloween. It just wasn't the real me. Starting university, I slowly but surely slid back to my roots, my hair got shorter and shorter (to the sadness of my mom and my hairdresser-they really adored my long curly hair, and it truly was spectacular when it came to looking at it-not much when it came to maintaining it). I gave away my girly clothing, and bought more guyish ones.
! Now I'm at a point, where I almost refuse to wear any clothing labelled as girls, and go out my way to have men's clothing on me at all times. I started wearing boxers, my brother gave me some of his shirts and even a jacket he used to wear, and even if I have to go to the end of the world, I only buy myself men's pants (which is quite difficult, as I'm rather little). Even my socks are men's socks which as little as it matters in the big picture, still makes me feel better.
! As for friendships and such, even if I tried hanging out with the girls from time to time, I always found and still find guys company better. I can't really connect to people of my own gender. I swear I tried many times but it just doesn't work for me.
! Maybe my development so far can be best described with the state of my hair during the years: starting out with short and simple, then experimenting with longer and curlier frisures and slowly cutting it shorter and shorter, then ironing it (making it straight. Is that the correct word?) and finally, cutting it short and sort of punky.
Problem is that…
I feel incomplete still. I want to push myself further, but I can't anymore. This is as much as I can do. By now you probably now where this is going.
I've begun imagining myself as a boy, and it feels right somehow. I've asked my friends to think of me as a boy instead, and they agreed and are really doing it. I've became another guy, and it feels great when they jokingly call me "sir" instead of "madam".
When I look into the mirror, I see a quite good body, but it doesn't feel like mine. I've felt this for a long time, but I always assumed it can be helped by a new haircut, new clothes and such. And so I did. I cut my hair, bought clothes, and started to work out to gain some muscle. It helped, but I still can't get away from the feeling that it's not enough.

If someone of you knows of places on the web where I can further discuss this with other people or get information about transsexuality/transgenderism, I would be grateful. I've been searching on my own, but I'm kind of afraid to enter a community just like that.

Can you PM me? Wanna have a private talk with you if u r cool with that sir

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@Carmilla:

I honestly don't know what's 13+ and what's not anymore, or what kind of talk is allowed here, so I'll just spoiler this.

! I am a virgin girl, but I still wanted to comment on this. It's such a common stereotype.
And female orgasm is such a complicated and individual thing, there's no guarantee that your shape or size would please someone. Knowing how to treat a particular woman, what she likes the most, what exactly makes her feel the best and learning these kind of stuff is the key to her getting pleased. It's an action you learn, not a predetermined thing you can't do anything about.
And also, as a response to the talk above, at this point I can't really imagine what more potential could vaginal sex have that clitoris can't achieve.
Oh and also, hopefully this gives you a perspective from a girl, I don't really think size is important and all that matter to me would be for them to love me and for them to be willing to take my needs into account. And it's not just naive thinking, my sexual arousal feeds a lot on emotions and connections.

Camilla for the win

Carmilla

@NER:

First day of Ramadan, my faith (whats left of it) is all over the place, and I want out of Saudi.

I cant take this country anymore, its killing me. I feel like my life was wasted. :(
I am graduating next year and I'll try to find a job outside of Saudi as soon as I do. Honestly almost anywhere is fine. It doesn't even have to be very far from Saudi. I am fine with Bahrain or UAE.

I feel so tortured and I am a male. I would have probably committed suicide if I was born a female in this bitch of a country.

Awww NER, sucks you are having that much trouble. Hopefully things will be alright and you'll end up successful in leaving and feel better wherever you go to live.

@Angelos17:

Camilla for the win

It's Carmilla I mean, what?

Chrissie

@Monkey:

If your dick fell off tomorrow, all you'd still need to get a girl crazy would be your hands and mouth. Just sayin'.

@Monkey:

Maybe I'm weird, but foreplay is more fun.

That neck spot man.

C_uggs

Since the death of my mother, things are weird or..how can I say, a "Do something or die" situation. My father, unfortunately gave up on our country and dreams that I get a new job in another country, to have a "better life". I still love my country and I wont give it up this easily, but, it is worth the sacrifice ? Sure, have a better life and a decent job are great, but I would feel awful if I betrayed something I have proud.

Besides that, my sadness is getting worst, and now I know I don't have all the time I thought I had, my parents are dying and I still lack motivation to change, to do new stuff.

Chrissie

My condolences on losing your mother Captain :( The death of a parent, especially before their time, leaves the worst of unrest behind… It's been almost 6 months and I still choke up with tears everyday about my dad.. You just need to give yourself time. The sadness won't go away, but you will learn to live with it :< Take it one day at the time. It's the best you can do... hugs

You know, I love my country. Cyprus is gorgeous and feels like home in a way the USA might never feel. The sea is different, the people are different, the very air is different. I just feel lighter when I am there. But I don't regret moving away from Cyprus, though I wish it was closer and easier to get to (miss mah family man). I don't regret it because it made me realize that the world IS actually at my feet and I am only restrained by what limits I myself set down. And it also made me realize that not all people are blessed with this kind of freedom and that I should be more thankful for it. So whilst I love my country and I am proud of it, I don't feel like I've betrayed or given up on it just because I moved away. I am a resident of Earth first and that is what I should take care of and protect, no matter which country's borders I am surrounded with. So don't feel bad considering moving! You can still be active on your country's matters even if you move. And your dad of course wants the best for you and what is best for you, is what will make you happy. :)

C_uggs

What a good response !! Thanks for the hugs, Chrissie.
I still have to grasp the idea of "freedom", right now is overwhelming, but I think I can face it in the future.

Carmilla

@Chrissie:

I am a resident of Earth first and that is what I should take care of and protect, no matter which country's borders I am surrounded with.

THIS. This is so me.
Chrissie said it so well, I don't know if I'll add anything new or special to it, but I want to comment about this so much.

@Captain:

My father, unfortunately gave up on our country and dreams that I get a new job in another country, to have a "better life". I still love my country and I wont give it up this easily, but, it is worth the sacrifice ? Sure, have a better life and a decent job are great, but I would feel awful if I betrayed something I have proud.

A country might not give you the sufficient opportunities in life to develop as a person, to do what you desire. You might not fit in its culture, tradition, people. A country might slow you down. And even so, you'll love your country and it's how it should be. A country we are born is so much more than all that, it's our home, and whether we want it, it's what makes us who we are.
I love Georgia. And I will always love it. I will love it for turning me into who I am. I will always want the best for it. It has many troubles, I don't feel as much belonged or fit in, there are other countries that I love so much, but my own will always be irreplaceable. Besides it has SO SO many good things as well. I'd break down crying the moment I'd move away.
Speaking of that, moving away is not giving up on your country. It is just seeking personal development and growth. And no that's not selfish, because no matter where you are, you will always be Brazilian and you'll always represent your country. And I am sure you'd think about it and do something for it all the time. Or you could just go away, see things, grow and come back and help your own country with it. But remember, personal growth of every citizen is the growth of the country as well. I wish many understood that over here, I wish many were smarter or more knowledgeable than they are.
I do consider myself a citizen of Earth as well. I want to understand different aspects of it so much, different countries, people, cultures. I want to help out the whole planet, and my country will always be my favourite part of it, but not the only one I want to be seeing or understanding.

Long story short, I myself want to move out of my country, I'd probably feel more fit in somewhere else, but no way I'd ever give up on it, no way I'd ever stop loving it or being subjectively positive about it.

Maybe not right now, but think about all this sometime, you have enough on your plate now anyway. But something like this is always worth considering and worth thought about a lot.

Angelos17

@Carmilla:

Awww NER, sucks you are having that much trouble. Hopefully things will be alright and you'll end up successful in leaving and feel better wherever you go to live.

It's Carmilla I mean, what?

Here, have the 'r'. Lol. Soz tho

–- Update From New Post Merge ---

@Captain:

Since the death of my mother, things are weird or..how can I say, a "Do something or die" situation. My father, unfortunately gave up on our country and dreams that I get a new job in another country, to have a "better life". I still love my country and I wont give it up this easily, but, it is worth the sacrifice ? Sure, have a better life and a decent job are great, but I would feel awful if I betrayed something I have proud.

Besides that, my sadness is getting worst, and now I know I don't have all the time I thought I had, my parents are dying and I still lack motivation to change, to do new stuff.

Here, were with you. Anyways, what is your work expertise? And are you in the US?

C_uggs

@Carmilla:

A country might not give you the sufficient opportunities in life to develop as a person, to do what you desire. You might not fit in its culture, tradition, people. A country might slow you down. And even so, you'll love your country and it's how it should be. A country we are born is so much more than all that, it's our home, and whether we want it, it's what makes us who we are.
I love Georgia. And I will always love it. I will love it for turning me into who I am. I will always want the best for it. It has many troubles, I don't feel as much belonged or fit in, there are other countries that I love so much, but my own will always be irreplaceable. Besides it has SO SO many good things as well. I'd break down crying the moment I'd move away.
Speaking of that, moving away is not giving up on your country. It is just seeking personal development and growth. And no that's not selfish, because no matter where you are, you will always be Brazilian and you'll always represent your country. And I am sure you'd think about it and do something for it all the time. Or you could just go away, see things, grow and come back and help your own country with it. But remember, personal growth of every citizen is the growth of the country as well. I wish many understood that over here, I wish many were smarter or more knowledgeable than they are.
I do consider myself a citizen of Earth as well. I want to understand different aspects of it so much, different countries, people, cultures. I want to help out the whole planet, and my country will always be my favourite part of it, but not the only one I want to be seeing or understanding.

Long story short, I myself want to move out of my country, I'd probably feel more fit in somewhere else, but no way I'd ever give up on it, no way I'd ever stop loving it or being subjectively positive about it.

Maybe not right now, but think about all this sometime, you have enough on your plate now anyway. But something like this is always worth considering and worth thought about a lot.

I understand I am lucky to have this opportunity, but I don't know if moving to another country will make me happy, for me is just a shot in the dark. I was thinking, maybe I should change/do small things for now, like loose some weight, get a new tattoo, stop wearing glasses, make new friends… Small things I am sure that will make me happy.

About Brazil, I always felt like I didn't fit in, I still have proud being born here, even with all the bad things happening in the past and right now. I will think about moving to another country in the future, also, I like to go to new places, learn new things. (who doesn't).

@Angelos17:

Here, were with you. Anyways, what is your work expertise? And are you in the US?

As Carmila said, I am from Brazil.

And to your question, I am a librarian.

Angelos17

@Captain:

I understand I am lucky to have this opportunity, but I don't know if moving to another country will make me happy, for me is just a shot in the dark. I was thinking, maybe I should change/do small things for now, like loose some weight, get a new tattoo, stop wearing glasses, make new friends… Small things I am sure that will make me happy.

About Brazil, I always felt like I didn't fit in, I still have proud being born here, even with all the bad things happening in the past and right now. I will think about moving to another country in the future, also, I like to go to new places, learn new things. (who doesn't).

As Carmila said, I am from Brazil.

And to your question, I am a librarian.

Ok, can you kindly let me know the five countries you wouldn't mind being in to work? Maybe in a order of preference.

And if you could take your dad or after taking care of him.

Carmilla

@Captain:

I understand I am lucky to have this opportunity, but I don't know if moving to another country will make me happy, for me is just a shot in the dark. I was thinking, maybe I should change/do small things for now, like loose some weight, get a new tattoo, stop wearing glasses, make new friends… Small things I am sure that will make me happy.

About Brazil, I always felt like I didn't fit in, I still have proud being born here, even with all the bad things happening in the past and right now. I will think about moving to another country in the future, also, I like to go to new places, learn new things. (who doesn't).

That's the right approach, I think~ stay DETERMINED and keep fighting in life :3

wait what

stop wearing glasses

why would anyone want to stop wearing glasses :blink:

C_uggs

@Angelos17:

Ok, can you kindly let me know the five countries you wouldn't mind being in to work? Maybe in a order of preference.

And if you could take your dad or after taking care of him.

It is too early to make a list, right now, any country with opportunity would be perfect. And don't worry, my father has trusty people here that can take care of him when he is older.
@Carmilla:

That's the right approach, I think~ stay DETERMINED and keep fighting in life :3
wait what
why would anyone want to stop wearing glasses :blink:

It hides my glamorous beauty.:ninja:

Carmilla

@Captain:

It hides my glamorous beauty.:ninja:

No, glasses enhance people's beauty and sexiness :ninja: glasses ftw.

C_uggs

@Carmilla:

No, glasses enhance people's beauty and sexiness :ninja: glasses ftw.

My beauty and sexiness don't need any form of enhancement.:ninja:

But yeah, thanks for the support. ;)

Angelos17

@Captain:

It is too early to make a list, right now, any country with opportunity would be perfect. And don't worry, my father has trusty people here that can take care of him when he is older.

It hides my glamorous beauty.:ninja:

Ok. I'm gonna try and help. Will PM you duly about it.

C_uggs

@Captain:

My beauty and sexiness don't need any form of enhancement.:ninja:

But yeah, thanks for the support. ;)

AHAH, if only I were this confident IRL, maybe I should change my forum name to a more "up beat" name, like Captain Handsome. :v

JK.

Angelos17

@Captain:

AHAH, if only I were this confident IRL, maybe I should change my forum name to a more "up beat" name, like Captain Handsome. :v

JK.

Believe me, some hot lady somewhere has been looking for you all her life

C_uggs

Thanks !! Surprisingly enough, my self esteem is getting better and better.

Arei

Here I come to randomly revive the thread (and probably vanish) again.

@Captain:

Since the death of my mother, things are weird or..how can I say, a "Do something or die" situation. My father, unfortunately gave up on our country and dreams that I get a new job in another country, to have a "better life". I still love my country and I wont give it up this easily, but, it is worth the sacrifice ? Sure, have a better life and a decent job are great, but I would feel awful if I betrayed something I have proud.

Besides that, my sadness is getting worst, and now I know I don't have all the time I thought I had, my parents are dying and I still lack motivation to change, to do new stuff.

D: omg Captain many many hugs You have my condolences ;;

I've been still somewhat stuck in that kind of funk since my grandma died, and it's been 6 years. I feel like I should've been to another stage of life at this point. I have a lot of desire, but zero motivation. I'm gonna try to force myself to take care of my body better, since having more energy would probably help me a lot. It's been a year since I had surgery and physically I'm doing a lot better, but I basically live on coffee and junk food. I got SUPER LUCKY this surgery cured my awful pain, I need to take care of my body better.

I agree with what Chrissie said, leaving your country to pursue a career and a new life doesn't have to mean that you're giving up or disrespecting where you came from. Hell, I wanna leave Texas, but it doesn't mean I'm ever gonna give up on it/not care about my home when I finally leave it. You should do what's best for you and what makes you happy, and a lot of people aren't happy staying where they came from.

I wish I could offer better advice but like I said :V I'm still wallowing in my own funk that I haven't fully come out of yet. Though I think also in my case (aside from the bipolar) I lost a lot of my childhood and having to go into the adult world like that and immediately after losing someone so important to me was a recipe for disaster. Only I can fix myself and get myself going, but I don't feel like a responsible adult, at all. And I don't know how to make myself feel that way, tell myself to save money instead of spend it and MEAN it… I'm struggling. An increase in my meds is helping me a lot, so hopefully with more time I'll get better, finally. For the first time in forever (like really, ever) I find myself being able to calm down and feel zen most of the time... I've never ever EVER felt like that. Just this week there's been a lot of shit that would make me furious happen at work and I've stayed calm and collected. That's really huge for me.

I just gotta figure out how to adult. Adulting is more than taxes and keeping steady employment. I just wish my motivation and drive and love for life would come back to me. They've been gone for way too long.

C_uggs

Wow…That came out of nowhere..Thanks Arei !~

When I go outside and see a mother with their children...it hurts so much......

On the other side,I am taking care of my body (no soda/junk food and hour long walks are my routine nowadays) and doing pretty much what I like, even if I think those things are silly or a small feature.

Carmilla

Yaay Arei posted~

I am much younger than you guys but I am already stuck in that stage where I feel like I am stagnated and not moving forward and that I need to start living like an adult, emotionally.
I have got a lot of motivation. But sometimes I just can't do anything physically because I lack energy, I am too tired, tc. So you should DEFINITELY take care of your body, it'll make things better.

And aww Uggs. It'll always hurt probably, but some time will make you deal with it better. Keep on staying strong :3

C_uggs

Yeah, I am living one day at a time… And suddenly, two months already passed, the first year will be hard, but I have to be strong and keep doing things I like and love.

Thanks for all the support guys.

Arei

@Carmilla:

Yaay Arei posted~I am much younger than you guys but I am already stuck in that stage where I feel like I am stagnated and not moving forward and that I need to start living like an adult, emotionally.I have got a lot of motivation. But sometimes I just can't do anything physically because I lack energy, I am too tired, tc. So you should DEFINITELY take care of your body, it'll make things better.And aww Uggs. It'll always hurt probably, but some time will make you deal with it better. Keep on staying strong :3

I'm gonna try and break the stagnant cycle by trying new things and taking classes and see what clicks. I'm tired of living aimlessly, and pharmacy is not something I'm very attached to.. my sanity is fading lol. Life is too short to not do something you're passionate about.@Captain:

Yeah, I am living one day at a time… And suddenly, two months already passed, the first year will be hard, but I have to be strong and keep doing things I like and love.Thanks for all the support guys.

I don't think it ever stops being hard, you just learn to cope a little better over time. many hugs

dirt monkey AL

I threw away the shrooms when I saw how much you were tripping out.

And hell, no, I'm not paying you back for that shit. I was 12, damn it.

taboo

I really kinda hate my life right now

I think I'm getting depressed again… I just sort of feel stressed about some things and trapped but I can't find the energy to clean or work on stuff. No money and my sleep schedule is fucked.

Angelos17

@taboo:

I really kinda hate my life right now

I think I'm getting depressed again… I just sort of feel stressed about some things and trapped but I can't find the energy to clean or work on stuff. No money and my sleep schedule is fucked.

Hey Taboo, hang in there, will you? You know you're gifted in some ways. And truly, its darkest right before dawn, hang in there. You will surprised at how quickly things will turn around and then you'll confess to us how your are living your desires and dreams.

If you're at rock bottom, the only way to go is up. Plot twist coming up dear

C_uggs

My mother left several medicine she took, most boxes are closed and within the expiration date. Among those there are medicines with black stripe and ones with red stripe in the boxes, that within the regulation of therapeutic goods in Brazil, means:

Black Stripe Medicines - Includes sedatives (benzodiazepines), some anorexic inducers and other habit-inducing controlled medicines.

Red Stripe Psychoactive Medicines - Drugs include anti-depressants, anti-convulsants, some sleep aids, anti-psychotics and other non-habit-inducing controlled medicines.

I can't just throw them away, I fear some homeless person would eat those medicines from the trash can, what should I do ?

Arei

@Captain:

My mother left several medicine she took, most boxes are closed and within the expiration date. Among those there are medicines with black stripe and ones with red stripe in the boxes, that within the regulation of therapeutic goods in Brazil, means:Black Stripe Medicines - Includes sedatives (benzodiazepines), some anorexic inducers and other habit-inducing controlled medicines.Red Stripe Psychoactive Medicines - Drugs include anti-depressants, anti-convulsants, some sleep aids, anti-psychotics and other non-habit-inducing controlled medicines.I can't just throw them away, I fear some homeless person would eat those medicines from the trash can, what should I do ?

Around here there's usually a community drop-off for unwanted medication twice a year. IDK how it is for Brazil, but you might can ask the pharmacy or a hospital if they will take leftover medication and dispose of it (here they don't). But even if they don't they should know what you can do. Before you just throw them out or flush them, make sure that's legal where you're at. I know some people will smash tablets and mix them in a baggy full of coffee grounds then throw it in the trash like that.

anhem12

This post is deleted!

Nolus

I'm seriously contemplating suicide again. [hide]I just can't take it anymore, and never will be able to heal. Not even so I can at least function at a low level. I seriously just want to end it all.[/hide]

Vectorkov

@Nolus:

I'm seriously contemplating suicide again. [hide]I just can't take it anymore, and never will be able to heal. Not even so I can at least function at a low level. I seriously just want to end it all.[/hide]

Femme

@Nolus:

I'm seriously contemplating suicide again. [hide]I just can't take it anymore, and never will be able to heal. Not even so I can at least function at a low level. I seriously just want to end it all.[/hide]

Nolus, please talk to someone. You are dearly loved both here and by your friends and family. Please call the hotline if you aren't comfortable sharing your feelings with someone you know.

Hanz

just think of how devastated your friends and relatives would be if you kill yourself. your boyfriend, you said he was also going through rough times aswell. your suicide would make things much worse for him.

just see someone you can talk to. please don't end your life.

Carmilla

Please stay safe, Nolus. I think quite highly of you and your courage about many things. Stay strong :(

Arei

@Nolus:

I'm seriously contemplating suicide again. [hide]I just can't take it anymore, and never will be able to heal. Not even so I can at least function at a low level. I seriously just want to end it all.[/hide]

Life is so ridiculously tough: But look how much you've survived. You've been through a lot of shit and you're still here. You're strong and kind, you can get through this. Sometimes it take a shitload of near endless suffering before the good times roll in. You've been through so much, I know you've got the strength to carry on. Be safe Nolus, and know we care about you here.

Nolus

@Vectorkov:
@Femme:

Nolus, please talk to someone. You are dearly loved both here and by your friends and family. Please call the hotline if you aren't comfortable sharing your feelings with someone you know.

@Hanz:

just think of how devastated your friends and relatives would be if you kill yourself. your boyfriend, you said he was also going through rough times aswell. your suicide would make things much worse for him. just see someone you can talk to. please don't end your life.

@Carmilla:

Please stay safe, Nolus. I think quite highly of you and your courage about many things. Stay strong :(

@Arei:

Life is so ridiculously tough: But look how much you've survived. You've been through a lot of shit and you're still here. You're strong and kind, you can get through this. Sometimes it take a shitload of near endless suffering before the good times roll in. You've been through so much, I know you've got the strength to carry on. Be safe Nolus, and know we care about you here.

Thank you guys for the kind words and the encouragement. I'm terribly sorry that I freaked you out by my post and not writing for days. I worked on Saturday and Monday, in fact, this is one of the reasons of me reaching a new low. I overworked myself. There wasn't one week-end in the past 4 or so weeks that I didn't work or wasn't somewhere, and it took it's toll it seems. I haven't had a good night's sleep in this month yet. I don't think I've mentioned it before, but I got another job (so I have 2 now) and that's more of a challenge than my first one. It's in a cinema, and there's so much I had to learn including getting to communicate people and going about as if I knew something of the place. There were 2 blackouts on Saturday, and since it was raining outside, a lot of people decided to go watch a movie. Then the lights went out and oh god, we had to make sure everyone was okay and that they are properly informed. While we didn't know shit. It went better than expected, no one really jumped at me for the whole thing, someone even said it's not my fault and they don't want to blame me or anything. I guess I did good since people seemed understanding and I even got a few laughs out of them with my awkwardness (when there's a blackout, the theater switches on some emergency lights and so people don't have to sit in complete darkness. Then, when electricity comes back, the lights go out, but the movie still doesn't restart, so it's sort of pitch black. "When it happened I said: Oh good, this means we're on track" meaning we have power again, but of course the movie-goers laughed at first and even said, oh nice, stand-up comedy. It was awkward but funny as well. However, it was still stressful, and I can't forgive myself for making mistakes despite trying so hard to be outstanding and perfect. I know everyone screws up once in a while and I shouldn't be so depressed over it… The other thing is, this is a new workplace, with new people, new expectations, and once again, I feel trapped in my female body. Fortunately I don't have to wear skirts or anything like that, but I still have to use my real name, and can't go by my preferred one(s). It's hard. And another thing is that I think I was sick this past week. I have an aphtae (whoever you spell it) in my mouth which isn't just annoying, it's downright painful, and it caused me headaches, and even fever. And of course I went to work that way. I guess I brought it upon myself. I'm still seeing my psychiatrist, and taking my med, so I'm trying to stay in line. I'm going to work tomorrow, but it won't be so stressful (hopefully) and then I'm off till Sunday at least of the cinema-job. The other one isn't that tiring and I don't even have to work 7, 8 or 11 hours.

ShinigamiKing

The only thing I know how to do is work. When I have free time, I never use it well. I have a compulsive reaction to go to internet forums. I can't do anything. I'm not productive enough. It's ridiculous and I'm tired of it. If I'm not doing work or homework, I don't' know what to do.

C_uggs

I was very shaken by this.

[Hide] I was with my friend in a metal concert, in the end, he said that he would go out with my old friend the next day and asked if I wanted to go too. I thought in the case and asked how my old friend was currently feeling, because his father committed suicide earlier this year. I know that the two never got along, but in this case I thought a little support would be great, and also I could help because I know very well how it is to lose someone dear. My friend who was on the concert said that my old friend was very happy with his father's death, he called him worthless, useless and weak.

I was bewildered, I asked if what he said was true, he said yes and I refused the invitation he made.[/Hide]

Johnny B. Decent

I wanted to ask about this odd….well, I'm not sure if it's even a condition, really. At certain times, I have these "visions" of sorts. Like, say I'm walking down the stairs, I suddenly envision myself falling down them, or driving a car, that an accident might happen before my eyes. But it also works as in when I'm talking to someone, I imagine saying something bad or the like. Or even, suddenly me attacking them or them on me. And occasionally, I remember things I don't really want to, out of the blue. It's like some sort of weird-ass Spidey sense. I never heard of anyone else having such odd visions, so I wanted to ask if someone's ever heard of such a thing.

Noqanky

@S.C.:

I wanted to ask about this odd….well, I'm not sure if it's even a condition, really. At certain times, I have these "visions" of sorts. Like, say I'm walking down the stairs, I suddenly envision myself falling down them, or driving a car, that an accident might happen before my eyes. But it also works as in when I'm talking to someone, I imagine saying something bad or the like. Or even, suddenly me attacking them. And occasionally, I remember things I don't really want to, out of the blue. It's like some sort of weird-ass Spidey sense. I never heard of anyone else having such odd visions, so I wanted to ask if someone's ever heard of such a thing.

They're impulses. So pretty much what's been known to happen is that there's a part of the brain that's considering/imagining potential outcomes but normally there's enough filters that only really relevant information is actually processed as thought. However, when the thought does come up, then cognitive dissonance comes into play. Basically, the thought happens, and because of the thought happening the mind has the train of thought of "wait, if I'm thinking of this, maybe it's because it IS what I want/what is happening." One of the most common case of this is when people look down at an abyss or a huge fall and get the sensation of wanting to jump.
Same with memories. Something triggers the memory and you don't want to trigger the memory so you aim to push it down, but trying not to think of it makes you think of it more which makes your brain think it DOES want to think of it, so on and so forth.

From my understanding (hard to say since I don't know how other people think), I think it's a normal thing but if it happens to the degree where it interferes with life by paralyzing thought/action, producing anxiety, or causing you to actually follow those impulses… then that's the point where you would want to talk about it with a professional.

Johnny B. Decent

@Noqanky:

They're impulses. So pretty much what's been known to happen is that there's a part of the brain that's considering/imagining potential outcomes but normally there's enough filters that only really relevant information is actually processed as thought. However, when the thought does come up, then cognitive dissonance comes into play. Basically, the thought happens, and because of the thought happening the mind has the train of thought of "wait, if I'm thinking of this, maybe it's because it IS what I want/what is happening." One of the most common case of this is when people look down at an abyss or a huge fall and get the sensation of wanting to jump. Same with memories. Something triggers the memory and you don't want to trigger the memory so you aim to push it down, but trying not to think of it makes you think of it more which makes your brain think it DOES want to think of it, so on and so forth. From my understanding (hard to say since I don't know how other people think), I think it's a normal thing but if it happens to the degree where it interferes with life by paralyzing thought/action, producing anxiety, or causing you to actually follow those impulses… then that's the point where you would want to talk about it with a professional.

Interesting. But I don't want to fall down any stairs. Could it be some sort of hypervigilance? My father was a very cautious, perhaps even paranoid, man.

Warp Predator

@S.C.:

Interesting. But I don't want to fall down any stairs. Could it be some sort of hypervigilance? My father was a very cautious, perhaps even paranoid, man.

Hanz

@ShinigamiKing:

The only thing I know how to do is work. When I have free time, I never use it well. I have a compulsive reaction to go to internet forums. I can't do anything. I'm not productive enough. It's ridiculous and I'm tired of it. If I'm not doing work or homework, I don't' know what to do.

this describes me as well, only im into games, movies and tv shows. i deal with it by giving one or two hours of my day to whatever i want to learn, but yeah i forget it sometimes. @Captain:

.

not all fathers are the same, if yours was a good father then that just very dandy. mine for example, is a compulsive liar and a very apathetic person who couldn't give a shit about his family.
he almost ruined my future. am i a despicable person for not loving him?
judging people based on their love for their parents is a very outdated tradition that should die imo.

C_uggs

@Hanz:

Not all fathers are the same, if yours was a good father then that just very dandy. mine for example, is a compulsive liar and a very apathetic person who couldn't give a shit about his family.

he almost ruined my future. am i a despicable person for not loving him?

judging people based on their love for their parents is a very outdated tradition that should die imo.

Ever after death ? And what ? I DO judge people based on how they treat loved ones, how can you trust a person ?

Noqanky

Blood parents aren't always loved ones.

C_uggs

I said loved ones, not blood parents. Another thing, how can hate perpetuate through death ? This is just sad.

Edit: I know that every family is different from each other, just change the name "father" or "parent" for any other word that represents your unconditional love. But yeah, maybe I am just weak when it comes to this subject.