I need help. I've shut myself off socially the last two years and I don't even know why anymore. I think it's social anxiety.
I think it's because I imagine myself/want to imagine myself as this cool person. I want to be this cool guy. And I can be the guy by simply getting lean and tone, tall, etc. It's actually not out of reach. But because I'm not there yet, I don't want open up yet.
But then, I imagine hat If I were to become that person, I wouldn't even be happy. I don't know what's wrong with me. I tried to tell a sibling about this yesterday, and the advice he gave me - over time- pretty much boiled down to "stop complaining - there's no reason why you can't talk to other people or go to dances, you're just making stupid, random, obscure excuses".
And over time, I've come to realize that I don't even think I have a good reason to not talk. To socialize. I don't get it. I hate how anti-social I've become. Is this even "depression"? "Social anxiety"? Is it? Or am I just complaining and being selfish.
This is just incredible right now.Why don't I stop being shy, huh? Why don't I want to make friends with people? Just last school year, you had friends that came up to me and were outgoing as hell. Yet, I wanted to shy away. At least for some of them. I think it was like that when it came to the more outgoing, lively, talkative people. I didn't want that. Whenever we talked I always had this thought in my head like "shut up, shut up, just shut up" - at least from what I remember. I don't recall if it was exactly that, but it was probably similar to that.
What do I do, ya'know? What's actually wrong with me. There's like, internal screaming in my mind.
Is it really just as simple as "achieving my goal"? (That is, getting in better shape to feel more confident about myself -__-….) Or, is it something more than that, and I actually need a lot of therapy to fix?
Do I just prefer friends that are more quiet and chill and calm, and hipster, compared to before?
(-What I mean is that, do I prefer friends that can talk about things in a less energetic way? - like, they share interested, but they speak in a more normal, lower tone, they're not always trying to smile/laugh/joke when talking?
It's funny that I ask for that, considering that's what I used to be, and that's what I am at home –- but not outside.)
I don't relate to the super outgoing guys anymore, so the only people I can make friends with are just those types of people? Will that help me out?
Either way, it won't help me get in a relationship though. (What am I saying though? I don't even know anything about that yet. But still, it's probably true.)
Or is it that I should accomplish the goal, and make the friends that I can relate to? (The friends I'm talking about are the ones that are just more chill).
Or is it neither.
At this point in time though, I don't even know what I'm concerned about. It feels like more than just making friends. In fact it's more than that.
For instance, I don't like how I look. But I can change that. Will that help automatically though? Of course it can. But will it?
Some months ago, I'd like to believe that I was smarter/more wise/intellectual than others my age. But recently, within the last few months, I'm starting to think that I am really just selfish and complaining and over-exaggerating and "normal". Am I just complaining too much?
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