Oh man now I feel so guilty about coming in here, whoops.
Trigger warning inside, if you feel like you'd be trigger at all by anything don't bother:
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I cut myself for the first time but I don't think I could do it again. That really didn't make me feel better and now my arm just burns. Pfffft.
What I really want to do is just get in the car and drive until I run out of gas and just stop wherever I get to and start over. I'm going to case the entire area tomorrow and see if there are any job leads. Hopefully I can find a place that is open for me to come in ASAP because I'm not giving my current job any notice whatsoever.
I stopped giving a shit, I just went along and got through work because I knew that if I got through the rest of this month I was going to have extra money in my paycheck again and I was going to get to see my friends for 3 conventions and get back into cosplay and get my bills paid and go back to school and finally get to move up North and then they decided to slash our hours to the point I lost all of my extra money AND food money.
No one can really explain why I'm like this because I'm not diabetic, but I get really really sick when my blood sugar gets too low. My head is spinning, I get dizzy, weak, can't talk or think clearly, and get highly irritable.. it takes a lot of the energy I don't have to not snap at people when I'm like this. But now I'm at the point where I'm like this all day everyday and I'm so lethargic I can't get out of bed.
It would be a giant text wall if I had to explain how insane my boss was, and honestly when I think about it I couldn't imagine that someone like this even exists. It sounds so fucking fake when I start complaining about what he does that I feel like I'm gonna have a hard time why I will justify quitting without notice. The reason our hours are gone is because someone cannot do the budget correctly and thinks we have more than the amount of people we have to do the kind of work we do… when we are actually horrifically understaffed we can't even begin to get on top of the workload we have without busting our asses to insane heights. Of course that's the theme of corporate America: Less is More in our own pockets.
My boss is batshit insane and makes impossible demands, stuff that defies the laws of physics pretty much its so ridiculous. Yes I can be in 2 places at once, talking to 3 lines at once while talking in person to 4 people at once while I dance an Irish gig on a plate being held up by a stick kind of stupid shit. He tells me to stop helping customers in the middle of helping them when no one else is available to help, kind of stupid. We really do not have the work force to stop and solve every single little problem that EVERYONE seems to have. I had people tonight cussing out this poor, older disabled lady because I had to work out an issue with her stuff in the drive thru. We have a lot of despicable customers and it's sad that we cannot give the best service to the ones that are amazing and patient. Thank god my boss had already left otherwise he would've sent this lady away with nothing.
I'm done. I'm really really done. So now I have to cancel almost all of my plans minus the con coming up in a couple of weeks because I've been saving for that. I have barely gotten to do things with folks since I got back home because having weekends off is a "problem" even though I work the late shift every night and get screwed to death because everyone else leaves their shit unfinished and goes home. I was finally going to have money to do cosplay again and pay off my bills and even have extra money to enjoy stuff and now it's all been taken away. Even my food and money for medications. My mom has her own bill to pay in the next couple of months and can't afford to be paying mine. I don't want to work somewhere where I'm being treated like shit and not paid enough to pay my bills and I spend the extra time sitting at home by myself alone, doing absolutely nothing because I can't afford to go anywhere.
I'm miserable and alone and wish I had a gun to have off'ed myself already. I've been rejected for jobs right and left and tomorrow I'm gonna get up early and try to make one more sweep around and try to find SOMETHING. Anything that will give me full time hours and get me through until school starts. I planned to have a fun summer because I'll have absolutely no free time once school starts with having to work and do school work plus I'll be spending more on gas. Now I've probably shot myself in the foot with that because I really can't afford the gas I use as-is anymore.
Why have hope when you are alone with nothing to live for? If I could pay off my bills I could get out of here but now I can't even do that. I'd just rather die at this point, but I probably should do my family a favor and do it out in the middle of nowhere where no one can ever find me and I'll just be missing forever. I may ruin my risk for another job being so unstable anyway.
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