I like being naked and get naked every chance i can… and my partner doesn't mind
I'm forced to say that I would most certainly hope not.
I like being naked and get naked every chance i can… and my partner doesn't mind
I'm forced to say that I would most certainly hope not.
Is it wrong to be hung up on the idea of actively pursuing a relationship? I mean, I've always just tried letting these things fall in my lap but that doesn't exactly work out well. I also worry about coming on too strong. Don't wanna look desperate or anything, after all.
I feel a little too old to be seriously entering the dating world. Why didn't I have this "you can find love, I believe in you, me" conversation with myself back when I was young and dumb and had room for mistakes? ._.
Maybe i'm actually Taytay's split personality doing her best Panda impression and while supporting this Shipmate-is-Panda conspiracy theory as a diversion
I'm you baby you can't deny it
Or maybe i'm just myself
Next time you'd say i'm actually Wolfwood
I like the cut of this guy's jib. He has that unearthly way of bending the words to his will.
The warmth, humor and charm just seeps through each sentance
No way you're new.
Just the sound of you, from the very beginning. Your word choices. Not new.
I knew that you would suggest this.
You've been here long enough and you're familiar enough with us to convincingly imitate Wolfwoof throughout your post.
This calls for a mafia stakeout style board with all the ranking capos and associates.
Well, this was the first time I've been nude in the company of someone I'm romantically involved with, so it wasn't entirely like that. But I can't say I wasn't surprised, either. That's just how hot I am haha
To quote the famed song poet Akon. "Damn that's a sexy bitch untz untz untz"
Is it just me or is Casy in the shower with a dude absolutley ripe with musical references?
I like the cut of this guy's jib. He has that unearthly way of bending the words to his will.
The warmth, humor and charm just seeps through each sentance
Wait, is Shipmate a guy? All this time I thought he was just a nice lady. :wassat:
Or is Shipmate a nice lady? :blink:
Who is the second member?
Is it wrong to be hung up on the idea of actively pursuing a relationship? I mean, I've always just tried letting these things fall in my lap but that doesn't exactly work out well. I also worry about coming on too strong. Don't wanna look desperate or anything, after all.
I feel a little too old to be seriously entering the dating world. Why didn't I have this "you can find love, I believe in you, me" conversation with myself back when I was young and dumb and had room for mistakes? ._.
There's nothing wrong with it, depending on your approach. The desperately seeking someone bit usually doesn't work, but if you put yourself out there with just the desire to meet people and have a good time, then I don't see why there'd be anything wrong with that.
It's just that I'm very interested in figuring out exactly what's wrong with me and why.
I don't know. Somebody recently told me that I could very well have bipolar disorder, though obviously they couldn't diagnose me and they advised me to see a professional. The truth is, I really don't want to have BP, mostly because I already have so many problems. I'm already fucked up in so many ways, that this would just be overkill.
To be "diagnosed" with BP would mean going to a psychiatrist (that's how I got diagnosed with clinical depression), but if you just want to get help figuring things out then you could go to a psychologist or a counselor. (Yes, psychiatrist vs. psychologist, the fun-ness of behavioral health!)
Is it wrong to be hung up on the idea of actively pursuing a relationship? I mean, I've always just tried letting these things fall in my lap but that doesn't exactly work out well. I also worry about coming on too strong. Don't wanna look desperate or anything, after all.
I feel a little too old to be seriously entering the dating world. Why didn't I have this "you can find love, I believe in you, me" conversation with myself back when I was young and dumb and had room for mistakes? ._.
I doubt anybody ever gets too old to make mistakes or to take chances.
Me i don't plan on stopping anytime soon. I've got plenty of fuck up's still to pull.
But i think i'm having a hard time processing what pursuing a relationship means in this case? I mean you can't force anybodies hand, so essentially all you can do is put your cards on the table and ask to see what she's holding. And if two people click there should, atleast in my mind, not be any need for some kind of a pepe le-pew chase where you push the issue. So i figure coming on too strong should only ever be an issue in scenarios where you are pursuing someone who's reluctant at best or not interested at worst. And well if you are looking for true love both of those are kind of dead ends.
But i digress, and Noq already gave out the generally good advice there is to this subject.
I hate myself so god-dang much.
@mary:
you are not the only one.
Something wrong?
Something wrong?
kinda. I hate my personality. sometimes I think it's something unchangeable.
@mary:
kinda. I hate my personality. sometimes I think it's something unchangeable.
Yeah… Same here... I hate the person who I happen to be.
You're still young though, you got time.
Yeah… Same here... I hate the person who I happen to be.
You're still young though, you got time.
time, so? when I'll change, I won't hate myself anymore. but I do right now.
@mary:
time, so? when I'll change, I won't hate myself anymore. but I do right now.
I just noticed that your signature pretty much sums up my situation, LOL.
I just noticed that your signature pretty much sums up my situation, LOL.
yeah mine too
it is lyrics from one song, which I found recently
Is it wrong to be hung up on the idea of actively pursuing a relationship? I mean, I've always just tried letting these things fall in my lap but that doesn't exactly work out well.
Admittedly some people are lucky enough to live in an environment that allows them to shed the task of actively looking for a partner, merely due to the lifestyle or work that they undertake, that is orientated around the gender they seek. basically resulting in more chances or opportunities to act or remain an open catch.
If you don't have that kind of luck, then you will have to really change your approach. And by change 'm referring to not letting fate be the decider on your relationship status.
I also worry about coming on too strong. Don't wanna look desperate or anything, after all.
Most people will actually appreciate seeing somebody chase them, or show some degree of commitment to a possible relationship. It takes a lot of guts/courage to make the first move, and even more to pursue it after any form of rejection or negative outcome.
As shocking as this may seem, most people are pretty awful at reading body language or understanding the difference between a subtle hint and just casual friendship.
A lot of people also believe in something called a 'friendzone'. People worth chasing won't conform to this idea, or judge someone using superficial points. If you are good enough to be a true friend, then why not boy/girlfriend?
I'd like to point out that desperation and dedication, are on the most part only separated by the person assessing your actions.
example - Walking several blocks in the rain to make a small, but kind gesture to somebody you like could be seen either way. Maturity plays a big hand in deciphering the two.
I feel a little too old to be seriously entering the dating world. Why didn't I have this "you can find love, I believe in you, me" conversation with myself back when I was young and dumb and had room for mistakes? ._.
You have to remove this image in your mind that allows age to dictate what you can and can't do. This is just another defense mechanism you have incorporated that removes your feeling of responsibility from actively trying.
Their is no age limit or barrier that should stop you from finding happiness.
@wolfwood:
I doubt anybody ever gets too old to make mistakes or to take chances.
Exactly.
Me i don't plan on stopping anytime soon. I've got plenty of fuck up's still to pull.
A 'fuck up' in one persons eyes is just a lesson to another after all.
But i think i'm having a hard time processing what pursuing a relationship means in this case? I mean you can't force anybodies hand, so essentially all you can do is put your cards on the table and ask to see what she's holding. And if two people click there should, atleast in my mind, not be any need for some kind of a pepe le-pew chase where you push the issue.
Well this is applicable with some, but certainly not all.
Some people are very shy, fragile or have so much self doubt that they either don't believe the writing on the wall, or are too afraid to accept it, and more so act on it. Sometimes you need to bold, but also learn to know when to push and when to accept that trust or other factors need to be adhered to before it can progress into the dream scenario you both seek.
So i figure coming on too strong should only ever be an issue in scenarios where you are pursuing someone who's reluctant at best or not interested at worst. And well if you are looking for true love both of those are kind of dead ends.
Unfortunately it isn't that easy either. (as shown above)
I hate myself so god-dang much.
Why? Have you ever considered that trying to address all of your issues at once is just too hard? Sometimes its best to sit down and write out each and everything you don't like, and take it one step at a time.
If you really doubt yourself, or don't like what you see in the mirror, then think about who you used to be, how much you have changed for the better, and then image just how much you could actively improve over the next few years with the same progress. It is easy to let time dictate your views. Remove that aspect of the equation and you will realize that nothing is impossible, and that given time and a little bit of effort (plus support) you will evolve into the being you want to be.
But I understand that this also means you have to look inward. This is heavily dependent on your own mental image of yourself, and can often be relieved with the help of others. So before you give up on change, ask your friends how much they value you, your pros and cons, and act on it.
And if this doesn't help then get back to me and i will send you some inspirational links that will show you how much you control your own fate, and how you are essentially limitless you possibilities.
@mary:
kinda. I hate my personality. sometimes I think it's something unchangeable.
Accepting your faults and actively looking to change, or even just voice your thoughts is the first step to change. In truth that sentence is somewhat of an oxymoron.
Yeah… Same here... I hate the person who I happen to be.
Is the first thing you should consider before you make your new years resolution. You could look back at this in a year and laugh, so don't ever give into the idea that your habits are unbreakable.
Judging by the way people converse with you both, I would assume that a lot of people here and in real life don't share the same negative outlooks on your personality.
You're still young though, you got time.
Stop using age as an excuse. It has no place in this topic. You can be whoever you want to be. It might be hard, and sometimes the road long, but for every one of us is a place that we can find happiness in. Even if that place is just your own inward perception.
Don't make me quote your post history to prove my point.
I've been working at this research assistant job for about 4 months now, and some of our colleagues are still calling us interns by mistake… They usually correct themselves after that and I try to let it roll off my shoulders but it gets kind of uncomfortable after a while; as great as internships are, they're mostly meant for undergraduates or polytechnic students and I wish we could give a more "permanent", mainstay impression. We are on contract but the contracted period is for the same length of time that most of the present permanent staff have been here for.
At least we have a good amount of time to change their perceptions, I guess.
This isn't uncommon.
Some jobs have a very quick turnaround of employees that can effect people (long term) enough to send out the wrong message. You have to accept that time is a benefactor in this, and will change. If you want to improve your presence, aside from providing flawless work, perhaps you should try to approach people during break. Sometimes you have to take the work out of the equation and be something more than employee 198 (random faceless person)
But from what you've mentioned it looks like you have made great progress, so just have patience and a little bit of faith in yourself and maybe even the people you feel judged by.
Cookies and brownies have helped a little so far :P
I wouldn't recommend bribing your way into this BUT! coffee works too depending on where you are located.
Is there any way to become a willing case study and/or test subject for scientists.
Aside from universities, you could browse adverts online. You could even consider a medical trial in exchange for money that will also address yourself in many ways. But what is this for may I ask? why not see a doctor and get an opinion, or maybe even second opinion if you have been knocked back by a first try.
You have many options available to you. This can sometimes be as simple as finding a site that covers the topics you feel apply to yourself, with good feedback and support from its regular users.
I'll admit that my first response to any issue I have with myself is often solved online, or allows me a better insight into the issue, and how best approach it, as well as the options I have at my disposal.
I don't know. Somebody recently told me that I could very well have bipolar disorder, though obviously they couldn't diagnose me and they advised me to see a professional.
Good advice.
The truth is, I really don't want to have BP, mostly because I already have so many problems. I'm already fucked up in so many ways, that this would just be overkill.
But the alternative of never knowing for sure can be much more painful. From my experience most people are afraid of the unknown, but find relief from both having something in black and white, and seeing that it can be helped/solved.
A while ago somebody posted about their own disorder, and the relief they felt from discovering the truth. It lifted a buden that they had carried for years, and from what I gathered was only mentioned in a positive light. I'm sorry for not being able to link you to this post. Tis but a maze in these parts.
Bipolar disorder isn't some incurable disease to be feared.
Is the first thing you should consider before you make your new years resolution. You could look back at this in a year and laugh, so don't ever give into the idea that your habits are unbreakable.
Judging by the way people converse with you both, I would assume that a lot of people here and in real life don't share the same negative outlooks on your personality.
I wouldn't be sure about this and myself. Everyone would agree about my negative aspects, but some of them just can endure my personality. It doesn't mean that they like it. It's more of getting used to it.
Thanks for the words, everybody. Maybe to clarify, I'm not actually looking for true love, at least not yet. Mostly 'cause everytime I think I've found it, I make the dumbass mistakes I should've made with somebody else. I really want to at least prove that I can try, that if I just be myself, someone's going to like me enough to want to at least go for coffee. Best case scenario, I get a relationship out of it. Worst case, they don't like me or just would rather be friends. I can handle both, really. But at least I can say I tried.
I'm just tired of waiting on somebody else because when someone I do really like comes along, I keep waiting. And waiting won't get me anywhere.
Thanks for the words, everybody. Maybe to clarify, I'm not actually looking for true love, at least not yet. Mostly 'cause everytime I think I've found it, I make the dumbass mistakes I should've made with somebody else. I really want to at least prove that I can try, that if I just be myself, someone's going to like me enough to want to at least go for coffee. Best case scenario, I get a relationship out of it. Worst case, they don't like me or just would rather be friends. I can handle both, really. But at least I can say I tried.
I'm just tired of waiting on somebody else because when someone I do really like comes along, I keep waiting. And waiting won't get me anywhere.
I'm kinda in the same boat as you. Well, I'm not quite sure how old you are, but I'm 21 going on 22 in february, so I'm not really sure where you are saying you're too old for things. But at least for me, in college, after a bitter breakup where my ex cheated on me and broke my fondest memories of the relationship, I was very defensive about things I think. My friends would probably also call me a bit of an old soul, too, so I don't tend to move quickly. Although, when I do really like a girl, I do fall head over heels for them haha.
In college, I never took too many risks, and because my goal in the end was to be a doctor, I didn't want to enter anything that I really thought wouldn't last past college. Among other things though, after that breakup, I thought something inside me changed so that I was more levelheaded when I liked a girl, so I went after people I thought were good but only felt a tinge of a feeling. But as I've found out as of late, that's not really me. And I really do want to find someone I can dedicate myself to, even with what happened in the past.
But I think everyone will make a few mistakes along the way. It's just how we pick up from them that matters, and even now I get apprehensive just figuring out what to say before a coffee date and also not trying to come off too strong. What matters at any age, though, I think is that if you find someone you really like then you should just give it a shot. For me, the best things in life a lot of times need to be fought for, so as long as it's not pushing the boundaries of being creepy, then fight for it.
See, that's another thing I'm scared of too. What if I'm with someone I only care enough about to be in a relationship with (but not really long-term), and someone I do want to be with comes along? Then what's the point of being in the original relationship in the first place if it's just a "till I find someone better" thing?
See, that's another thing I'm scared of too. What if I'm with someone I only care enough about to be in a relationship with (but not really long-term), and someone I do want to be with comes along? Then what's the point of being in the original relationship in the first place if it's just a "till I find someone better" thing?
That's the sorta thing I guess my ex was about a bit, and one of my friends has also suggested that I act more my age, but for me personally, that's not what I want. But if that's what who I'm with wants, then if really there isn't another option after some talking, then that's that. I just wish it didn't end so bitterly for my last relationship, but that's in the past.
I guess it really just depends on what you're really looking for in a relationship and where you are at life. If you want to have some fun and meet someone, then go ahead and do it. If you want someone you can really dedicate yourself to, then build a foundation. Well, if you can already imagine an expiration date on your relationship though, then that's probably not a good sign or start. If you're worried about things like how long you'll last, then I wouldn't say that's the right mentality to go into something serious like a relationship with. Granted, caution and realism are right, but excessive worrying won't do anything but lead to more headaches. I mean, you worked hard to get to where you are, right? Might as well enjoy the view instead of fretting over what will come.
I remember babysitting a floormate of mine after she got a bit too tipsy after being upset after a grade, and she among other things was talking about her relationships. She was about a month into dating this guy, but apparently she's been having some thoughts too about this one guy in the summer where they dated for a week and everything was perfect and that if there was any way possible for it to work out then she was possibly thinking about doing it even though it'd be long distance. But my perspective on it, and this goes for a lot of other people and things, is that there's a fixation not on the person and the value of that person but on the image of how the relationship with that guy could be. It's neat and kinda interesting sometimes to think about how things would work with another person, but to let that image consume your thought process makes you less appreciative of reality and what's in front of you.
Realistically, at some point, you do have to ask yourself if this is really the person you want to be with. But that comes after setting a foundation. I'm not sure what other people see as what constitutes "the one" and all that, but I like to think, at the very least, that we all probably have more than a few options in this world that we're fairly compatible with, but what really solidifies someone as the person you really want to be with is the time and experience you shared. If, before then, you don't find that you really click with them, then that's that. You know, that's what the first few dates are for, to really see what that person's like and if they're on the same wavelength as you in terms of what matters. And to that end, to get the ball rolling, it can be good to trust your instincts and intuition.
@mary:
I hate myself so god-dang much.
you are not the only one.
You guys should share some of that hate around, build your confidence off the failures of others.
You guys should share some of that hate around, build your confidence off the failures of others.
I'd love to do that, but other people don't seem to fail as much as I do.
I'd love to do that, but other people don't seem to fail as much as I do.
Then I guess you're being too specific. Just look around in this thread.
I'd love to do that, but other people don't seem to fail as much as I do.
You overestimate other people.
And by that logic, they probably don't notice your "failure" as much as you think they do.
I just discovered Otome games and I'm afraid that they will consume my life
Why curl up in bed and fantasize to myself when they make video games for that
You guys should share some of that hate around, build your confidence off the failures of others.
I know that there are people who are worse than me, and who fail more. But it doesn't make me feel better.
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http://24.media.tumblr.com/c4bedc9575ff0b2302e61703fa20bb12/tumblr_mg2or8sOGh1r4qib3o1_400.jpghttp://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_me6gl9XWzH1r4qib3o1_400.pnghttp://24.media.tumblr.com/81890b66e00284aaf751f7ee93e96741/tumblr_mg2of0cuuH1r4qib3o1_400.jpg
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dunno if it's good or funny or not that I can relate to all of these except the one about creating meme.
and my zodiac being scorpio makes it more funny to me
why the hell is "borderline scorpion" a meme?
it's not even clever, it's just needlessly random
I just discovered Otome games and I'm afraid that they will consume my life
Why curl up in bed and fantasize to myself when they make video games for that
@mary:
I know that there are people who are worse than me, and who fail more. But it doesn't make me feel better.
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@mary:
dunno if it's good or funny or not that I can relate to all of these except the one about creating meme.
and my zodiac being scorpio makes it more funny to me
why the hell is "borderline scorpion" a meme?
it's not even clever, it's just needlessly random
I hate myself so god-dang much.
@mary:
kinda. I hate my personality. sometimes I think it's something unchangeable.
Yeah… Same here... I hate the person who I happen to be.
I'm sorry you feel that way hun.
Still, I am unclear about what your self-hating is in this case. Is it just a vague general notion of spite that has formed the mental habit of self-deprecation? I cannot help you much so long as this self-hating of yours remains an abstract concept to me, and I need something more specific to work on. Vague general self-hating can be destructive and addictive, as it dissipates your energy and makes you unable to focus on fixing a specific problem through small steps, concrete actions. You can become too deeply entrenched in it to get out, or even feed on it.
And my dears, surely you have good points as well as bad points. Some of your bad points may be serious issues that need to cured, some may just be an inevitable part of being human, of being you, the singularity that you are, which you just need to accept, and some may just be random. Just a general advice won't be helpful. Mind giving us a specific list of what you dislike about yourself, so that we can give a specific solution to each problem? I understand if you don't feel comfortable about doing so.
And before that, let me say that I won't tell you anything like "Nothing is impossible", "your potential is limitless", "you can be whoever you want to be", "you have complete control over your fate". You probably ran into this kind of motivational phrases a lot in your facebook, and they were not of much help to you, were they? You sound like the type who would probably think "What a bunch of malarkeys! That only works in a shounen manga!"
Well, we human beings are fundamentally imperfect and finite. There are many things genuinely impossible for us to do. We do have limits, we just don't know them clearly yet. And many things about us are beyond our own control. Now you cannot just take off your glasses and turn into Superman, or become a Pokemon trainer, or a character in some Otome game. More realistically, you can't win two Nobel prizes in physics and literature while being the president of the United States. And you probably won't accomplish world peace in your lifetime. I think it is important to know what we can and cannot do, so that we can focus on things we can do and find the best way to culminate our strong points and push ours potentials to their very limits. If we are lucky enough, that is. Life, after all, is gamble, often not a fair one. You don't always get what you want, despite how much effort and sacrifice you put into it, but at least you can get a bit closer to your goal. Or not at all. Sometimes it is also best to settle for a small goal, like having a family and die in old age surrounded by your children and grandchildren, which is not less desirable than any.
If you are reluctant to accept advice from those with too optimistic an outlook on line, don't worry because my view on life may be even grimmer than yours. It is just that my attitude is different. No matter how grim life is, I am determined to suck the best I can out of it, for there is no use just depressing over the fact and self-deprecating. As I said to you from the beginning, "Life throws a lot of shit at us, bad shit, good shit, horrible shit, wonderful shit, or just random shit, but it is up to us to make the best of whatever thrown at us." If anything, you can be assured that I won't give you false hope built on a flimsy foundation that will only be destroyed later, but I will cheer for you the best I can, in my own way. <3
Seeking professional helps is a good choice. But don't depend too much on them. Since professional knowledge about human psyches and behaviors are still flawed and incomplete. And many of those professionals have the damned habit of pathologizing everything, LOL.
Just for fun:
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Also, I would say that age matters a lot, albeit not absolutely. Knowing the pros and cons of each stage of life can help. Sometime happiness requires a certain set of skills and experiences to deal with certain situations that life throws at us, and it takes time to gain and master such skills and experiences. On the other hand, a young person has much more energy and is much more susceptible to change, to new ideas, much more willing to take risks, as they have not much to lose, and haven't settled with yet anything. It will be much harder to change for old person who is too deeply entrenched in his habits, with consolidated neural pathways and considerable loss of brain cells. The older you are, the harder it is to start all over again, to to risk destroying what you have built throughout your life. And as your body loses its vigor and stops listening to you, your memory and mental capacity decline, your immune system deteriorates, a bunch of illnesses will also attack you and weaken you will, which makes it all the more difficult for challenging tasks. Sometimes we hear a motivational story about an old person who finally completes university or body-builds, but let face it, they would have achieved much more if they were in the condition to do so when they were young. And sometimes we hear a heart-warming story about an old man finding genuine love, but it is also heart-breaking when we think about how the young bride will soon become a widow, separated from her beloved, and may not even have a child to keep her memory of him alive. The sex won't be all that fun either. Not saying that the old should not make effort to change, but I can sympathize with how hard it is for them to do so.
Both of you are still young and have a life ahead of you. It is important that you make use of this golden gift of youth and not let it pass away in waste and in depression. If you really want to pursue your dreams, that is. ^___^
Both of you are still young and have a life ahead of you. It is important that you make use of this golden gift of youth and not let it pass away in waste and in depression. ^___^
I don't know about all that, doesn't seem good to force it. If they want to wallow in their fortress of introspection, why not let them?
They're the only ones who can decide if their being has any value or not, who are we to say otherwise?
I don't know about all that, doesn't seem good to force it. If they want to wallow in their fortress of introspection, why not let them?
They're the only ones who can decide if their being has any value or not, who are we to say otherwise?
If being depressed and self-hating are truly what they want and won't regret it later in life, I would have no problem with it. ^^
But it seems to me that they also want to get out of their situations and gain more confidence and achieve. In that case, I will try my best to lend a hand. ^___^
If I was assuming too much here, let me apologize. ^.^
..
seriously, who are you? :blink: you are too smart for being new member
Sometimes it is also best to settle for a small goal, like having a family and die in old age surrounded by your children and grandchildren, which is not less desirable than any.
i don't think this is small goal, to be someone, who can have proper family. when i think about it, for someone like me, it's lot more hard than being successful in some kind of career i'll chose.
so, i'll try to explain my self-hate.
! of course there are things that i like about myself, for example my looks, it isn't the best, but i like it.
but it's about whats important to me. i don't consider how someone looks as something important. also i'm smart. not knowledgeable, but smart + great memory.
but also, that's what i got when i was born, not something done by me.
and how do i use that gift? i'm lazy as hell. not only about studying, but about almost everything. only thing i don't feel lazy about is breathing. if i were to not care only about studying and have fun in other ways, i wouldn't consider it as something special. but i spend time in doing nothing. i am completely wasting time, always.
! And here is what i hate about myself the most: my personality.
i always act towards people the way they don't deserve it, and make them feel the way i don't want them to feel.
i know understanding this is good as well. but the problem is that i can rarely express what i feel. and when i try to correct something, i make it worse.
also i'm too selfish, it's something i'm used to since i was born, because i'm only child, and i was always spoiled, getting the most of everything we had, always getting what i asked for.
sometimes i say and act the way, that makes me feel awful about myself later. i can ask someone to do something without thinking abut their situation. even when i know their situation, i still only think about myself, then about others.
also my lack of courage makes me completely boring person. and it also makes me seem colder, because i hate expressing what i feel, like i said.
also the fact that i'm emotional/depressed quite often makes communicating with me less fun to most of the people, but i don't want to change that, i just wanna be able to hide it sometimes. also sometimes i'm quite annoying.
and this is also quite important thing: i can't hide something and keep it to myself, i don't mean secrets or things like that, but my own thoughts. and when there is the time i can't tell something to anyone, i become completely hopeless idiot. and i am too dependent on people, psychologically. and what i mean by it? not the fact that i can't take being alone. no one likes it. but for example, when i didn't talk to my friend for few days, because he was busy, i felt sad and unmotivated in everything.
another bad thing about me. i'm possessive. i want for everyone who is close to me to belong me, to always care about me and think about me. and i'm quite jealous too.
! also: i always complain, complain a lot. and do nothing. think a lot, but don't act. when i'm depressed about myself, i decide to change it, but then i think that i have to think more, then something good happens, and i forget about how i felt. i postpone 'change' and actually i postpone everything in my life, that's how i live, and have still succeed a lot more than i deserved, and i took everything for granted.
! so basically like square said, i kinda want to feel this way for awhile, until my resolution of change becomes so strong, that i will really try to change. i want to get out of the situation, but not the same i was before. and what i'm doing even now? nothing, just wasting time.
! what did cause my depression lately? my best friend. who was my friend for more than one year, and became really close later, and he knew the most about me. and my relationship with him became awful, however i swear if this hadn't happened, i would have never realised how awful i acted quite often. he kinda woke me up. however it was hard to take, i've never had suicidal thoughts, not that i haven't thought about death, i just haven't thought about suicide. but during these days, there were moments when i just wanted for the air to stop being around me. now i feel better, because i talked to him, and this was the first time i didn't want to prove myself right, and i would give up without fight in an argument. another bad habit of mine, however it might be useful in some situations.
….
thank you very much for writing such a long reply~
by the way i think crystal's situation is different, though i don't know much about it
why the hell is "borderline scorpion" a meme?
it's not even clever, it's just needlessly random
Really? My friend and I, and even my mom, thought it was hilarious how it described me perfectly.
Even if it's not funny, how is it random? The scorpion part?
Really? My friend and I, and even my mom, thought it was hilarious how it described me perfectly.
Even if it's not funny, how is it random? The scorpion part?
yeah its pretty funny. in a bitter way
even this was funny, laugh of bitterness.
@mary:
! of course there are things that i like about myself, for example my looks, it isn't the best, but i like it.
but it's about whats important to me. i don't consider how someone looks as something important. also i'm smart. not knowledgeable, but smart + great memory.
but also, that's what i got when i was born, not something done by me.
and how do i use that gift? i'm lazy as hell. not only about studying, but about almost everything. only thing i don't feel lazy about is breathing. if i were to not care only about studying and have fun in other ways, i wouldn't consider it as something special. but i spend time in doing nothing. i am completely wasting time, always.
! And here is what i hate about myself the most: my personality.
i always act towards people the way they don't deserve it, and make them feel the way i don't want them to feel.
i know understanding this is good as well. but the problem is that i can rarely express what i feel. and when i try to correct something, i make it worse.
sometimes i say and act the way, that makes me feel awful about myself later. i can ask someone to do something without thinking abut their situation. even when i know their situation, i still only think about myself, then about others.
also my lack of courage makes me completely boring person. and it also makes me seem colder, because i hate expressing what i feel, like i said.
also the fact that i'm emotional/depressed quite often makes communicating with me less fun to most of the people, but i don't want to change that, i just wanna be able to hide it sometimes. also sometimes i'm quite annoying.
and this is also quite important thing: i can't hide something and keep it to myself, i don't mean secrets or things like that, but my own thoughts. and when there is the time i can't tell something to anyone, i become completely hopeless idiot. and i am too dependent on people, psychologically. and what i mean by it? not the fact that i can't take being alone. no one likes it. but for example, when i didn't talk to my friend for few days, because he was busy, i felt sad and unmotivated in everything.
another bad thing about me. i'm possessive. i want for everyone who is close to me to belong me, to always care about me and think about me. and i'm quite jealous too.
! also: i always complain, complain a lot. and do nothing. think a lot, but don't act. when i'm depressed about myself, i decide to change it, but then i think that i have to think more, then something good happens, and i forget about how i felt. i postpone 'change' and actually i postpone everything in my life, that's how i live, and have still succeed a lot more than i deserved, and i took everything for granted.
I can relate to everything that I kept in the spoiler.
I live for those few moments when I don't feel like a bad person, when I feel like a good girl. I felt that way at one of the youth shelters where I stayed, they gave me food and a place to sleep and talked to me about my life for a long time and told me that I was strong and that somebody would love me someday. I live for those few moments when I feel completely harmless, like I couldn't possibly hurt anyone. Completely innocent.
Just for fun:
How can you get through college, especially medical school, without acting this way?
In fact, I'd say that a girlfriend is probably a bit much if you really want to succeed.
This….thought has been occupying my mind for a while now, especially as I wrapped up my first semester of college.
! It's the future, it scares me. I'm the type that always worries about every possible negative outcome, and it's sort of impossible for me to be all laizz-faire about things. To be exact, it's the financial stretch of things, like what if I'm unable to find a job post graduation or worse flunk out and can't find a job? Then I'll be thousands of dollars in debt. Which I'll drown in for over 20 years. Which may involve living with my parents for much longer and/or selling things
! Then, when (or rather, if) I have kids, they'll be unable to get prime loans because of their washout father's abysmal credit score, and have to go a college where they didn't originally want to go, or just be unable to get a post-secondary education because they need to get a job to help out the family.
! Then the cycle will just continue and continue, until one of us finally gives up and….offs themselves.
! Dark? Yes. Am I being a little too paranoid and possibly underestimating my ambition? ….Maybe. Maybe I should try to be optimistic.
That's the worst thing about college, a single mistake, even if it's completely outside of your control and has nothing to do with your actual intelligence or academic prowess, can ruin your entire life. And the lives of your descendants. Fuck school.
This….thought has been occupying my mind for a while now, especially as I wrapped up my first semester of college.
! It's the future, it scares me. I'm the type that always worries about every possible negative outcome, and it's sort of impossible for me to be all laizz-faire about things. To be exact, it's the financial stretch of things, like what if I'm unable to find a job post graduation or worse flunk out and can't find a job? Then I'll be thousands of dollars in debt. Which I'll drown in for over 20 years. Which may involve living with my parents for much longer and/or selling things
! Then, when (or rather, if) I have kids, they'll be unable to get prime loans because of their washout father's abysmal credit score, and have to go a college where they didn't originally want to go, or just be unable to get a post-secondary education because they need to get a job to help out the family.
! Then the cycle will just continue and continue, until one of us finally gives up and….offs themselves.
! Dark? Yes. Am I being a little too paranoid and possibly underestimating my ambition? ….Maybe. Maybe I should try to be optimistic.
You gotta have more self confidence. We all know you're very intelligent and capable. No need to be so pessimistic !
No need to worry that much about life, the worst thing that can happen is that you die by suicide. If you think about it, it is actually a liberating thought imo.
How can you get through college, especially medical school, without acting this way?
In fact, I'd say that a girlfriend is probably a bit much if you really want to succeed.
Depends on how you go. Quite a few med schools are pass/fail. (In fact, I'm not actually aware of which schools aren't pass/fail). The main thing to kick your ass over is the US Medical Licensing Exam (USMLE). But the lab stuff? If you're really working to a Ph. D, sure. Maybe lectures are even recorded for later. Having spoken with some med students, while some of them are definitely gunners, a lot of them are actually pretty chill people. That isn't to say they don't work hard, but they definitely carve out some time to keep their sanity.
That said, there's a lot of stuff to do, interviewing courses, clinic work, etc, so yeah, it's a lot of work of course. But a girlfriend isn't out of the question by any means. College, though? That's when you gotta sharpen your stuff so that you can actually get into med school lol
College always seemed to me like that episode of Paranoia Agent where all of the anime production staff start killing themselves and each other.
You should take a break.
Take a break.
Take a break.
Take a break.
Take a break.
Take a break.
Take a break.
Take a break.
Take a break.
College can be a stressful time for some, for others, it was just a time to party and do whatever. Of course, for the students in the first category, it's often because college is a competition to get to the next stage in life, be it grad school or a job. Or other, where it's just stressful and it doesn't jive well. I think if you don't really find someone to support you, or worse, make the experience destructive, then really it sucks the life out of you. At my college, doing stuff premedical related was a huge chore because the majority of the premeds around me were just focused on grades and stuff and drowning themselves in it, and worse, the premedical advisor was a POS. Discouraged a ton of students by saying things like "You got one C, med schools won't accept you now" or "If you don't study abroad (my school's "study abroad" program's more like a co-op program than studying), then you won't get into med school" or "if you No Record a class, then you won't get into med school (even though med schools won't see it at all)." She was brought on because they wanted someone to be completely dedicated to help boost the med school acceptances, but so far, people have been deterred from medical school or they find her advice useless. Which makes things pretty difficult and depressing sometimes.
Support really needs to be there sometimes to keep the flame going. I was really glad to have my faculty advisor and am really grateful for the time he spent talking to me. Actually really chill dude, during the biochem lab course, he and I would chat about video games like Zelda, so when I graduated I got him the Hyrule Historia.