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Thread: Confession Session II

  1. #2081

    Default Re: Confession Session II

    I'm very worried about my future in regards to driving.

    I took Drivers Ed when I was in high school and I have my learner's permit. I've also taken driving lessons outside of school, both official and with family. My results are consistently below subpar.

    In the Drivers Ed class I took, the instructor sometimes took 2-3 students out with him for test drives, and because our performance on the road mattered to our grade just like our performance on the written tests. After a couple drives, the instructor told me in private that he didn't think I was ready to drive, and so he took me out in a golf cart instead of a car, and we went around the high school's parking lot, not on any roads.

    To my knowledge, I was the only student in the class who was like that. It's possible I'm wrong, because the reason the instructor told me in private after everyone left class that day is because he didn't want to hurt my feelings by making it public. It's possible there are others who were in my situation too, and I just didn't know because he gave them the same courtesy he gave me.

    Then after I passed the course (I did well enough on the written tests and if I remember right I got a B in the course) I went to get my learner's permit from the DMV but my eyesight wasn't good enough. So my parents took me to the eye doctor to get a note or updated prescription or I can't remember exactly what from him, then I went back and got the permit. That makes me question the validity of my permit. Maybe I'm misunderstanding how the process is supposed to work, but my eyesight didn't improve, I just got documentation or an update from the eye doctor. If my eyesight was enough of an issue to keep me from getting a permit, and if that didn't get better, isn't it still dangerous for me and others to have me on the road?

    Then driving tests with my dad. I somehow managed to swerve off the road and come extremely close to hitting a mailbox.

    Then three driving lessons last year with someone from an official company. An issue was that I was almost always too slow, and when told I was going too slow, when I tried to speed up I ended up going too fast instead. I wasn't balanced and I didn't know how to be. I completely lost composure when got out of the neighborhood onto actual roads. I'm not sure if the reason I wasn't contacted again after the third lesson was because that was the max number of lessons allowed or because the instructor was scared to be in the car with me.

    Other issues: my reflexes, reaction time, motor skills, lack of ability to multitask, maladaptive daydreaming, unsure how to control attention span.

    And there's so much else to learn or relearn, even not counting the act of driving itself. I'm not sure if I remember all the rules of the road, or what buttons on the car do what, or how to fix anything. I know if you get in a car accident there's an exchange of insurance information, but I don't even know what insurance is. I wouldn't have even known leaving your car on while pumping gas could cause the car to blow up if my mom didn't casually mention one day while filling up her car's gas tank. It's an overwhelming amount to learn, and the fact that it's not something I'm interested in hinders my motivation. When I say interested I mean like passionate on a personal level. It's something I'll likely need to be able to do one day, but it doesn't spark joy, or wonder, or aspiration, or any of those feelings. It's just something I'm doing because I have to, and that's never been a strong enough motivator to impact my performance in a significantly positive way even though logically it should be because it's about survival.

    There are some places in the world where public transport is so prominent that you don't even need to own a car. But Florida isn't one of those places.
    I accept Jesus Burgess as my Lord and Savior

  2. #2082

    Default Re: Confession Session II

    Anticipation of that whole stressful shebang is why I'm almost 28 years old and I've never once entertained the thought of driving.
    I have zero motivation for it, I would totally be the type to freeze up or swerve for every little thing. And like you said, all the technical crap to keep track of is intimidating.

    I'm fortunate enough to live in a countryside village that falls on a crossing of two major bus routes.
    When I want to go somehere I just hop on the bus.

    But as you say, not all of us are lucky enough to have prominent public transport.
    You have my sincere sympathies.

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  3. #2083

    Default Re: Confession Session II

    I was crazy worried too when i started driving, since i was an inner city kid i didn't bother with my license til i was 25. But what i would recommend is that you drive as much as you can with a parent or some other qualified driver who doesn't stress you out in residential streets or on backroads. Once you've done that enough and made the basics a second nature then go out on the bigger streets and you will probably feel less stressed about juggling both the how do i do this again fundamentals and the important details like even speed or road placement.

  4. #2084
    The Moustache Bandit Nolus's Avatar
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    Default Re: Confession Session II

    Rant incoming:

    I'm in a pretty good place emotionally, mentally and physically. Aside from the near constant barrage of weather fronts, I have no real source of stress and anxiety currently.

    But dating, oh boy. I wouldn't even call it dating, because I can't seem to be able to call anyone on a date and it's not for the lack of trying either.
    It's all so frustrating and I suspect it slowly takes a toll on me mentally. I get matches on Tinder, guys message me first on Gayromeo, but more often than not, they end up ghosting me. It really is the ghosting that gets to me. Someone says I'm not their type? It's okay, I do that too, thanks for telling me, I can easily move on. But ghosting? Screw that, I have to take extra effort to "get a closure" and I can't believe people my age don't have a spine firm enough to just text (it's not even in real life) "sry, no".
    The other big issue I have is with people who just exist on these apps without any reason or aim. And those who immediately write how busy they are right now. I can somewhat understand these too, I've been there myself (although to be fair, I usually just delete/deactivate my profile when I get to that point). It's okay to not have time to meet new people and date, but why not take a break from the apps themselves too?

    As for meeting people in real life, my options are still limited, but I'm trying to use the opportunities coming my way. There was this one guy at the board game night who joined me, when I started heading home. He even befriended me on Facebook, so I thought, hey, he might be interested in me. I suggested grabbing a coffee or something but nope, but nope, I guess I misunderstood.

    I tried OkCupid too, but it's a barren wasteland in my country for some reason.

    I'm also irrationally afraid of ending up with someone I don't love and don't like even though I'm not as emotionally vulnerable as I was before.

    End rant.


  5. #2085

    Default Re: Confession Session II

    If it makes you feel better, I am way worse than you in the dating aspect.

  6. #2086

    Default Re: Confession Session II

    You are really brave Nolus, and Im really sorry to hear you going through this! I really feel for you, and support you a 255%!

  7. #2087
    Loli Lover Stranger's Avatar
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    Default Re: Confession Session II

    Quote Originally Posted by Nolus View Post
    I'm in a pretty good place emotionally, mentally and physically. Aside from the near constant barrage of weather fronts, I have no real source of stress and anxiety currently.
    Yay! That's great to hear!

    [QUOTE]But dating, oh boy. I wouldn't even call it dating, because I can't seem to be able to call anyone on a date and it's not for the lack of trying either.
    It's all so frustrating and I suspect it slowly takes a toll on me mentally. I get matches on Tinder, guys message me first on Gayromeo, but more often than not, they end up ghosting me. It really is the ghosting that gets to me. Someone says I'm not their type? It's okay, I do that too, thanks for telling me, I can easily move on. But ghosting? Screw that, I have to take extra effort to "get a closure" and I can't believe people my age don't have a spine firm enough to just text (it's not even in real life) "sry, no"[QUOTE]
    Yes, it's really annoying that people that ghost you for no reason without telling you why.

    The other big issue I have is with people who just exist on these apps without any reason or aim. And those who immediately write how busy they are right now. I can somewhat understand these too, I've been there myself (although to be fair, I usually just delete/deactivate my profile when I get to that point). It's okay to not have time to meet new people and date, but why not take a break from the apps themselves too?
    Yeah, that sounds a bit silly in why they are on the app, but not using it at all. I am on a dating site too, and with matches... like they matched me but they don't reply to me. I always send an intro message to start, but then others don't really reply back.

    As for meeting people in real life, my options are still limited, but I'm trying to use the opportunities coming my way. There was this one guy at the board game night who joined me, when I started heading home. He even befriended me on Facebook, so I thought, hey, he might be interested in me. I suggested grabbing a coffee or something but nope, but nope, I guess I misunderstood.
    Yeah, I can barely make friends in real life, I only made a few because I'm in college, as well as going to clubs. I don't even know how to meet people besides that. Though in person, I really never had any luck, and when I do get "crushes" on friends, well usually they have someone or not interested. So, I just have to change my feelings many times to keep the friendship.

    I tried OkCupid too, but it's a barren wasteland in my country for some reason.
    That really sucks :/

    I'm also irrationally afraid of ending up with someone I don't love and don't like even though I'm not as emotionally vulnerable as I was before.
    Yeah... I had that happen to me when I was younger, just go into a relationship but just to be in one, yay for desperation!

    But I think you be good. Just takes time and patience, so don't give up in the dating scene! You will find someone! You are a nice individual despite us not talking a lot. I'm here for ya if you ever need someone to talk with about life.

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  8. #2088
    Here we are, Windy summer! Oddball's Avatar
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    Default Re: Confession Session II

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    Am I a bad person for not wanting kids in the future? I never wanted kids, even when I was little. I get overwhelmed easily, probably because of my autism (I was diagnosed by several doctors at age 4). Also because of it, I don't want to have a kid knowing there's a good chance they could get it too. Autism is indeed genetic. Some have it pretty mild, others have it severely to where they're mentally retarded. It affects people differently, but I don't want to take a chance on having a low functioning autistic child.

    Actually, at one point I did want kids, but that got shot down after babysitting my friend's two kids, one having severe special needs, for three years. That was more than enough for me. I don't know how people can handle raising a non-verbal kid who doesn't always tell you what they want, needs constant supervision, the family's schedule having to completely revolve around that kid because they can't be left alone. You have to follow the kid's schedule to a T or else all hell breaks loose. They're forever mentally a child or toddler. That has to be very daunting to the parents when they compare their kids to other people's healthy kids.

    Not to mention, everything with kids in general is HARD and takes forever. They fight you over the stupidest things. They don't want to eat healthy foods, clean up after themselves, do chores, or even get ready to go somewhere. You have to tell them until you're blue in the face to stop whatever they're doing, go to the bathroom, put socks/shoes on, including coats, hats, gloves, etc. All that just to leave the house. It's incredibly stressful and it baffles me how people say having kids is rewarding. My patience with kids and even adults is just gone.

    Sadly, I feel my defected genes have to end with me. And please don't tell me that there's always adoption. Even adoption has its risks. I don't want to hear "you're not my real mom" for the next 18 years. You're not only bringing that kid into your life, but also any emotional baggage they may have. Also, I'm a career oriented person and I would hate to put my life on hold to take care of a kid, disabled or not. I'm a selfish person, I didn't get two college degrees for nothing. Parenting is not for me, maybe for some people and that's perfectly fine. I would never shame anyone who wants or has kids, they're just not my forte.


    Also, I apologize if this sounds like your run-of-the-mill Reddit confession post.
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  9. #2089
    The Moustache Bandit Nolus's Avatar
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    Default Re: Confession Session II

    Quote Originally Posted by Oddball View Post
    Hidden for length
    Hidden:
    Am I a bad person for not wanting kids in the future? I never wanted kids, even when I was little. I get overwhelmed easily, probably because of my autism (I was diagnosed by several doctors at age 4). Also because of it, I don't want to have a kid knowing there's a good chance they could get it too. Autism is indeed genetic. Some have it pretty mild, others have it severely to where they're mentally retarded. It affects people differently, but I don't want to take a chance on having a low functioning autistic child.

    Actually, at one point I did want kids, but that got shot down after babysitting my friend's two kids, one having severe special needs, for three years. That was more than enough for me. I don't know how people can handle raising a non-verbal kid who doesn't always tell you what they want, needs constant supervision, the family's schedule having to completely revolve around that kid because they can't be left alone. You have to follow the kid's schedule to a T or else all hell breaks loose. They're forever mentally a child or toddler. That has to be very daunting to the parents when they compare their kids to other people's healthy kids.

    Not to mention, everything with kids in general is HARD and takes forever. They fight you over the stupidest things. They don't want to eat healthy foods, clean up after themselves, do chores, or even get ready to go somewhere. You have to tell them until you're blue in the face to stop whatever they're doing, go to the bathroom, put socks/shoes on, including coats, hats, gloves, etc. All that just to leave the house. It's incredibly stressful and it baffles me how people say having kids is rewarding. My patience with kids and even adults is just gone.

    Sadly, I feel my defected genes have to end with me. And please don't tell me that there's always adoption. Even adoption has its risks. I don't want to hear "you're not my real mom" for the next 18 years. You're not only bringing that kid into your life, but also any emotional baggage they may have. Also, I'm a career oriented person and I would hate to put my life on hold to take care of a kid, disabled or not. I'm a selfish person, I didn't get two college degrees for nothing. Parenting is not for me, maybe for some people and that's perfectly fine. I would never shame anyone who wants or has kids, they're just not my forte.


    Also, I apologize if this sounds like your run-of-the-mill Reddit confession post.
    The short answer is, of course you aren't a bad person for that. I'd argue it's a quality deserving of praise, not having children if one doesn't feel one's ready for it.

    Thing is, throughout the existence of humankind, society placed significant value on procreation. It's only logical, how does a species survive without offspring after all? Children are our future, is a statement that a lot of people would probably agree with.

    Thing is, there's inherently a lot more to raising children than birthing them. The obvious roles are those of teachers for example, who work with children every day and take significant part in molding these children into the adults they will eventually become. Healthcare providers are there to provide healing and prevention. I do think, however, that it doesn't stop there. You can influence the coming generations even if your work doesn't involve children in any capacity. Just be existing in the same world as them makes your actions reflect upon them in some small way. Maybe it's barely noticeable.

    By living your best life, maybe you become an example to the future generations.

    Furthermore, we as a civilization has come to a point where it's not an absolute necessity for every capable person to make a child in order to live on.

    These are just my two cents, as the saying goes. As someone who became sterile on my own volition, I've thought about feeling shame for "throwing away" this possibility that's very much treasured by other people. Thing is, I can't even be 100% sure that I could have had children anyway. And can doesn't mean should, nor does it mean must.


  10. #2090
    The Moustache Bandit Nolus's Avatar
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    Default Re: Confession Session II

    My grandfather died recently, and I'm having a wave of different emotions for all the wrong reasons.

    Spoiler:
    To start with, I wasn't close to him in any part of my life. He was the kind of person that was a nice colleague, an excellent worker and a good acquinantance. He was even a nice brother as far as I was told. As a grandfather he's best described by a blank page. As a father, he was terrible, and it's painful to see my mom struggle with her own emotions right now.

    So I don't really feel like someone should feel when one of their grandparents die. Don't get me wrong, it's a sad occassion with some absolutely frustrating circumstances concerning his death, but my feelings are unable to go further than being sorry a human being had to die the way he died. Other than that, it's all blank.

    The burial was two days ago, and while I was positively certain it would at least help me get over this feeling blankness, it seemed to have opened a very old and persistent can of worms.
    First of all, I felt like a complete stranger, even though I'm arguably part of the family, at least biologically. I thought it was strange that people offered their condolences to me, when I had less of a relationship with my grandfather than people he worked with. Combine that with the clumsily pieced together funeral speech (with sentences like "he will always be remembered as a dear grandfather by all of his grandchildren) and it all felt disingenous and plain wrong.

    This is not all.

    So this "being a stranger in my own family" thing goes further when I think about my brother. He's my mom's first child, and is 5 years my senior. Add to that that shortly after our parents separated, he went to live with our dad, further increasing the divide inside the family. Our grandparent's on my father's side loved him dearly, so much more than me, even if they wouldn't admit it even now. They still do love him way more than me and it's so apparent, my mom's friend couldn't help but notice it even at the funeral. I guess I'm so accostumed to it it didn't even register.
    What about my other set of grandparents? Well, my brother worked in my grandfather's company for 5 years(in fact he's only recently switched jobs), so he had a "deeper" relationship with him than me. I put deeper in quotation marks because as I mentioned, my grandfather was pretty lousy when it came to children and grandchildren. Still, it was a bit more than I had. When we visited him at the hospital, he even joked with my brother a little, showing a tiny hint of grandfatherly affection.

    To go even further, there's the case with our great-grandparents. On father's side, I understandably had lesser contact and a more struggling relationship with my great-grandmother (we never really knew her husband, he went his own way when my grandfather was little); my brother even recalls a comment from her calling me a "stupid little kid" behind my back when I was maybe 6 or 7. During my teenage years, I always felt sort of uncomfortable around her. She lived with my grandparents. One time I went on a vacation to their weekend-house where they lived during the summers, and it was kind of awful. My grandfather was shouting at my grandma and he was treating her like a wet rag, my great-grandma was no better, I got my period, and I wanted to go home. So I told them I might go home a few days earlier (I didn't list the reasons) to which my great-grandma said: "Are you running away?" From what she meant, I don't know, but it wasn't helping in any way and I can still sort of hear the condescening tone of her voice. She was also constantly nagging me to contact my father even though I wanted nothing to do with him at that point, and even then, it wasn't my responsibility to fix our relationship when my father put zero effort into the whole thing. Keep in mind I was still a child back then. 14 years old, tops. So understandably, my brother had a better relationship with that side of the family, and spent way more time with them than I ever could.

    So what about the other side? Unfortunately, my great-grandfather on my mother's side died when I was 5 years old, and aside from some blurry memories and the recollections of other family members, I never was able to fully know him. Which is a shame, because anyone I ask tells me he was a great person, and a great father and a great husband and a great grandfather and a great great-grandfather. So an overall awesome person. My mom told me he loved me and my brother equally and I chose to believe that, because at least then I might be on equal footing with my brother. As for my great-grandmother, I have many fond memories of her, and I cherish the time we could spend together. But... and it's painful to admit, my brother seemed to have been closer to her. He had five years on me for starters and he also spent more time with her to be away from our father (who, surprise-surprise, was awful, despite my grandmothers insistence that my brother will have a better time with him then our mom). So it was a sort of refuge for him, and my great-grandma was more than happy to take care of him. Fast-forward a few years, when my brother decided to get back to our mom, she could only find place for him with our great-grandma. So they lived together for a couple of years, my great-grandma had a companion and a helper, and my brother had an infinitely better place to stay than with our father. Logically, this meant that my great-grandma's relationship with him was deeper than with me.

    All this makes me feel like a second-class citizen compared to my brother, at least when it comes to my family. On one side, I feel like I missed out by being born later and having different circumstances; on the other, I feel betrayed and a victim to a war I had zero say in.
    There's maybe three people in the whole family that treats us equally: my mom, and my great-aunt and her husband. I remember one time when I was visiting them with my mom, my mom told them how different my grandparents on my father's side were treating me compared to my brother. My great-aunt lovingly said I was like a black-sheep and I can't help feeling that way right now. I feel as though the only thing I can do is appreciate the love these three people give me, even after I came out to them as transgender. I was so surprised to recieve so much love from them, you know, the kind of unconditional, familial love. As a child, I got so used to trying to win the love of those around me, I never could realize that I wasn't about what I did or what I was.

    I try not to hold it against my brother. Despite all this, his childhood was destroyed as well as mine, and I guess we both will struggle for years to come to try and build our relationship after those around us destroyed any chance we had. He's not at fault here, I am not at fault here, yet it falls on our shoulders to do damage control and rebuild from the rubble.


    Everytime I talk about my family, I feel like I should make a chart because with all the remarriages and early deaths, it's hard to keep track who's who.


  11. #2091

    Default Re: Confession Session II

    God that's heartbreaking Nolus. We are all here for you.

  12. #2092
    The Moustache Bandit Nolus's Avatar
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    Default Re: Confession Session II

    Quote Originally Posted by Captain Krupp View Post
    God that's heartbreaking Nolus. We are all here for you.
    Thank you.

    Incidentally, all these recollections made me realize one more thing.

    Spoiler:
    I'm sure I'm not alone in always hearing "oh how different being a kid was in my time" from the older generations. You know, the "we didn't have computers, we had plenty of fun outside, playing in the sun/snow/etc.". Growing up, I chalked it up strictly as a generational difference, and me being a shy kid with almost no real friends in my teenage years.
    Now I'm pretty sure there's more to it than that. You see, I recognized a pattern in these stories, a fundamental element that I was missing most of my childhood. Namely siblings and cousins, aunts and uncles.
    After the funeral, my great-aunt and her cousins told us some fun little stories from their childhood. How they traveled over the border to visit each other in the summers, how they had big family family vacations and so on.
    My family was never this together, even before I was born. My mom's mother died when she was around 8, her dad (my grandfather who died recently), remarried to a woman who already had two other children, but the two families never quite fused. Not like with my great-grandparents' anyway. This resulted in me technically having, like, 3 cousins (with zero blood relation as far as I can tell) and almost zero contact outside of the Christmas parties my grandfather held every year. I didn't even like the one cousin that was basically my age; she made me feel so inferior (intentionally or not), and I was once again ranked lower in that imaginary ladder.
    As for my brother, you already know the story.

    I'm positive all this made a huge contribution in me being unable to make friends in high-school and mostly preferring to be alone and play games on my pc. At least there I was able to be the hero, the number 1. Also lurking and posting here, on these forums. This was the first place someone told me not to worry about having a sucky high-school experience for example.

    I never felt comfortable when older people took out the "when I was a kid..." card, but I'm positively angry now, because I feel I never had a chance to have those "better" kind of childhood experiences.


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